Page 38 of Sorrow & Strangers

I exhale heavily. “Thanks for being here. Thank you for loving me.” Even this brief conversation has eased my burden a little.

“Always, my sweet girl.” She pauses for a moment. “I think you should come home again in a couple of weeks. For the weekend.”

I nod. “Okay.”

“Summer? It’s all very well being there, but you need to live while you are. That’s what Connor wanted.”

I lean back against Alice while Farrah and I stay on the phone. Sometimes we’re quiet, and sometimes she tells me what’s been going on at home. In the background, I can hear her working around the house while she’s on speakerphone with me. Alice sits next to me, a silent constant at my side, and eventually I drift off.

The pain is absent, so is the damp smell, and when I blink my eyes open, I’m not met with the usual darkness of the blindfold. Instead, I’m in my bedroom, or it’s a room very similar to it. The window is not on the back wall but on the wall to my left, and standing in front of it, his back to me, is the stranger.

I sit up, the soft silk sheets pooling around my waist, and I take in the room. The decor is similar to mine but different enough that I notice.

“You dream of the forest.”

The exhaustion tugs at me, not only physically but mentally as well. “Leave.” I roll onto my side, not in the mood to fight with him, not in the mood to tap into that potent anger pooled within me.

“A forest I know you’ve never seen,” he continues as if he didn’t hear me.

Tears soak my pillow as the past few days start to hit me, and the sadness seeps in. I’m not sure why I’m not in the cave, why I am not feeling the pain I know I deserve.

“What is it?” His voice sounds closer now, and I can feel his eyes on me.

“Go away,” I whisper brokenly.

The bed shifts as he sits next to me, and I feel his fingers brush through my hair.

“Leave,” I say, swatting at him. He pulls his hand back, but he stays next to me. “I want to be alone. There is no nightmare tonight. So fuck off.” I try to put as much vitriol in my voice as I can, but my voice only sounds broken.

“You’re crying.”

“So? Get out of my dream,” I say, looking at him over my shoulder. His gaze is locked on me, just as I knew it would be.

He doesn’t say anything, just scoops me up and pulls me into his lap. His fingers tunnel into my hair, and he tucks my face against his neck. I snarl and shove away from him, falling off the bed as I lurch away.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I scream, shifting to my knees. He just watches me, his annoyance filling the room, but I don’t care. I let the anger surge inside me, eclipsing everything and burning hot and fast. “You’re a coward, and you are so fucking cruel. Get the fuck out of my life. Now.” The words spill from my lips like they’ve been held back for years, like they’ve been clawing to be free, and now they won’t stop until they’re all spoken. “I hate you.” The tears burn down my cheeks. “I will always hate you.”

I don’t even know if the words are true. I just know that there is something so freeing about throwing them at him.

He stands up, towering over me, but he doesn’t move any closer. “Hate me, then. Hate me until it burns everything inside.” He takes a step closer. “Until you think of nothing but ways to kill me, to destroy me.” Another step. “Hate me until there is nothing left of you.”

I tilt my head to look up at him, my chest heaving.

He reaches down to pinch my chin softly, and tilts my head back so I have to look at him. “Get strong enough to throw me from your dream. To obliterate me. To put your will over mine.” He trails his fingertips down my throat, and I suppress a shiver.

I’m stuck, unable to move away from him, only able to stare up at him. My body flutters in all the wrong ways, but I force myself to pull away and climb back into bed, presenting him with my back once again. I should be scared. I should fear this being at my back, but I don’t. All I feel is despair and anger.

“Why do you resist getting stronger?”

I ignore him, but his question circles my mind. The truth is, I no longer have a reason to get strong, but he has no right to that knowledge.

His warmth seeps into me as he grabs my arm and pulls me onto my back, forcing me to look at him again. “Don’t you want to make them all pay? Make me pay?”

“Get out,” I snarl, and for the second time today, my power roils inside me. Instead of reining it in, instead of cementing that adamantium wall, I unleash it and shove him violently from my dream.

Everything is silent as the room slowly repairs itself. I curl into myself and start to cry again.

“A good start.” His voice fills the room, echoing for a moment before the silence returns and the loneliness suffocates me.