Page 49 of Sorrow & Strangers

“You sure?” Alice asks, shifting from one foot to the other, obviously very uncomfortable with the idea. “It’s an overnight,” she repeats as if she doesn’t believe I’ve taken in the information.

“It’s fine, Al.” She purses her lips. “I promise.”

Alice looks at me, then closes the distance and pulls me into a tight hug. “You’ll be here in the morning.” It’s not a question but a statement, to convince herself. My heart aches that she doesn’t trust me with this. I know the fear stems from my leaving her for Eden, though I still can’t bring myself to regret it.

Maybe I’ll call Farrah tonight.

“I’ll be here.”

Alice pulls back, and she nods before kissing my head and leaving my room. I hear the front door close a few minutes later, and I am immediately enveloped in uncomfortable silence. It had been quiet while I was reading, but somehow knowing Alice was in the house made it less stifling. When the thoughts start and the loneliness encroaches, I decide to go downstairs. I settle onto the couch and pull a blanket over me, immediately feeling better when the television flashes to life and sound fills the room.

Connor’s halo hums, and I pull my arm free from the blanket to look at it. “Hi.”

It hums again, and tears gather in my eyes, making them sting.

“What am I doing, big guy?” I ask, my voice breaking on the pet name. “Everything is a mess.”

The halo hums again, and I know he’s trying to comfort me.

“I wish you were here,” I say, closing my eyes.

The halo hums twice.

My eyes blink open, and I stare at it. I rotate it a little until I can see the single dent that mars its otherwise perfect surface.

It thrums against my wrist again, but this time it’s not just once or twice. It’s continuous, but not one long drone. Instead, it’s a mixture of short and long vibrations, the rhythm almost like a song, a familiar song. I brush my fingers over the warm metal and close my eyes. Humming along, I quickly realize it’s a tune from a movie we watched.

A tear finally escapes, tracking down my cheek, and I lay my head back against the cushion. I continue to hum along with him, letting my thoughts drift. When the halo goes quiet, I frown and open my eyes, already missing the comfort of it.

Has he gone?

The halo hums again, this time a little more insistently and only once. I sit up, somehow knowing he is pulling at me.

“What is it, Con?”

The halo hums again, tugging at me. My brows draw, but I follow his lead and get up. I will always follow him. He pulls me up the stairs, stopping when we are in front of his door. My heart still breaks when I see his name etched into the door.

“You want me to go in there?”

One hum for yes.

I take a breath and wrap my hand around the doorknob. My stomach knots as I turn it and then push the door open, a whimper leaving me as his scent hits me. It takes a few moments, but I slowly realize that the smell of clouds isn’t the only thing surrounding me. I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel his presence more than I have since he died. My cheeks grow wet with tears, and the halo hums in comfort.

“Why am I here, Con?”

Once again, the halo tugs at me, and I walk across his room to the bed and his partially open laptop.

“Your laptop?” I ask, and the halo hums once for yes.

I push the top open a bit more, and the screen illuminates, a photo of us popping up. It’s a little out of focus, but that only softens the image. It’s a selfie he took while we were at a party, and in it I’m smiling brightly as he’s kissing me. The room behind us is mostly dark, but colored lights highlight our faces. We both look settled and happy, but my stomach twists at the sight. It’s been the wallpaper on his laptop since we made it official, but looking at it now fills me with pain, knowing what I lost.

The halo hums again, and I type in his passcode.

SummermySunshine

The screen unlocks, and as the credits play, the memory washes over me.

“No matter how bad it turns out to be, this movie will always be close to my heart.”