Page 84 of The Spare

‘I did it for the power and the access,’ Athena tells me. ‘And the money. And the sex, obviously. I literally slept my way to the top. It’s by far the fastest and most efficient route.’

My brain is scrambling so hard to download and analyse this deluge of insane information that I forget to be self-conscious. Maybe it’s a ploy on their part to do exactly that—if it is, it’s effective. Athena is the most pristine, aloof individual on the surface, although there’s an undeniable warmth to her. The idea that her past is so complex is too much to absorb.

‘Mmm-hmm, I see,’ I say, as if she’s giving me some advice on how to make our agapanthus flourish.

‘The point,’ she says, ‘is that I went to this gala with Gabe one night, and he’d asked me to be the head of his family’s foundation. He’d bought me a new dress, and we were there with his whole family. And I’d never been ashamed of what I did, but I’d started to want to be better for Gabe, you know? He’s such a good man. So this was my chance to legitimise myself and have a fresh start. I’d actually allowed myself to believe that I deserved it.’

‘So what happened?’ I ask. She’s so magnetic that it’s impossible not to be drawn into her story, even if it’s equally impossible to imagine Athena as anything short of completely self-assured.

‘There was this guy at his family’s table,’ she says with a shudder. ‘He was a non-exec director of their construction business. Anyway, I’d interviewed with him in the past and walked away after the interview stage, because he was revolting. He was hammered that night, but he knew exactly who I was, and he proceeded to blow my cover in front of the whole table, including Gabe’s parents, who are super Catholic. I’ve never in my entire life felt so cheap and shitty as that slimy douche made me feel that night.’

I lean forward. Okay, that’s horrifying on a level that my situation isn’t at all. My heart breaks for her. The noise around my scandal is deafening, but this is so confronting. ‘You might win,’ I say, and she and Soph laugh. ‘But—so you managed to keep it under wraps?’

‘Gabe stood up for me and made his family appoint me as CEO, bless him,’ she says. ‘We sued the dickhead for breaking his NDA, and he settled. He was personally on the hook for several million quid, which ruined his life.’ I suck in a breath. Good. ‘And that money allowed me to start up a fintech company that matches angel investors to female entrepreneurs. It’s called karma, bitch.’

‘It’s also called fucking over the patriarchy,’ Soph supplies.

‘Exactly. So all’s well that ends well. Can you guess why I’m telling you this, Selena?’

I straighten up like a pupil who’s been called on by the teacher and can only hope she’s been paying sufficient attention. ‘Um, because you know what it’s like to be at the centre of a scandal?’ I ask tentatively.

‘Partly. Obviously, I nipped mine in the bud, so I can’t begin to conceive of what you’ve been through. The roasting the tabloids are giving you is fucking disgusting.’ She pauses to take an elegant sip of her wine. ‘It’s a bit more than that, though. I don’t know what went down between you and Ben, but I suspect you and I are quite similar, if you don’t mind my saying so.’ Mind? My ego launches into the cancan at the mere assertion. ‘I think we’re both very adept at putting on a performance, which isn’t a problem in itself. I don’t know about you, but that performance is what’s always made me feel safe, and then when it gets blown apart, you feel like you’re actually nothing underneath it—as in, you have no intrinsic value. You just feel like this hollow shell.’

Slowly, I lower my wineglass as I stare at her. Is she a hot Yoda who wears the Row? Or are my deepest insecurities tattooed across my forehead?

‘You and I are performative,’ she continues. ‘I get it. It’s a great skill and a huge curse. Our worst nightmare is being exposed, called out. Our biggest fear is that someone will find out that, beneath all the polish and bravado and designer clothes, we don’t actually have a clue who we are, or what we want, or why anyone would actually want us for us, and that’s fucking terrifying, and it’s happening to you on a scale that is so bloody unfair.’ She sits back. ‘And I’m here to tell you not only that you’ll survive it, but that it’ll be the making of you.’

CHAPTER 39

Selena

‘That sounds very optimistic,’ I say with a shaky laugh, but I don’t feel like laughing. I feel like crying. I feel flayed open, as though this woman can see into my ugly, pathetic soul.

‘It isn’t,’ she says. ‘It’s hard, and it’s painful, but no one would ever accuse me of being an optimist.’

‘Facts,’ Soph sighs from beside her. Athena ignores her.

‘You’ll come out swinging, and you know why?’ She points in the direction of the house. ‘Because that man is so in love with you he can’t see straight, and it’s only when all the bullshit gets stripped away that you’re forced to confront the truth in the mirror—and that is that he loves you and not all the fancy shit you wrapped yourself up in like armour.’

I’m so glad I’m wearing my dark glasses now, because my eyes have welled up. She’s gone straight for the bullseye, the bullseye being the secret terror I harbour that, the press having shattered my mask, Ben won’t love what he sees underneath. I suspect my big sniff gives the game away, though.

‘This is excellent motivational stuff, babes,’ Soph tells Athena as she leans forward to scoop up some hummus from the spread between us onto a slice of pita. ‘She’s right, you know,’ she says to me. ‘Do you have any idea what that would have taken for a man like Benedict to admit he was in over his head and call a woman to come and help? It’s incredible.’

‘I think he just doesn’t know what to do with me,’ I say with a shaky smile I’m sure fools no one.

‘Maybe not,’ Soph says, ‘but that doesn’t make it an act of giving up. It makes it an act of love. He’s set his ego aside and called in the big guns. It’s the sexiest thing ever.’

I cast my mind back to Ben’s saying There’s no fucking way you’re getting out of this marriage unless it’s in a body bag and allow myself a little smile.

God, I love him so much. And I hate that I’m causing him all this distress on top of everything else. ‘Maybe,’ I demur.

‘Not maybe,’ Soph says. ‘Definitely. Alpha guys like Benedict don’t admit they’re out of their depth. Take it from someone who’s married to a guy who almost blew up his own life because he was so terrified of admitting he needed help. Benedict could have bought you a nice piece of jewellery or whisked you off for a nice mini-break, because that’s what most guys do. They throw money and clichés at the problem. Distraction, right? But he didn’t do that—he called in help because he loves you more than he needs to be your hero. And that, my friend, is what we call a keeper.’

I press my lips into a line as I attempt to hold my shit together, but the tears are coming fast now. I want to believe them both so much. I want so much to be enough for Ben, to be a wife he can be proud to love and not a total basket case.

‘Oh dear,’ Soph cries, getting up and scurrying around the table. She plonks herself down next to me and gets me in a tight sideways hug. ‘Let it all out, you poor little sweetie. Athena, tell her about the safe-word stuff. Honestly, hon, if you think you’re losing the plot, Athena’s story will make you feel better.’

‘Oh, God,’ Athena says. ‘It was so horrifying. Basically, I was deep in the self-pity party after I got outed. My self-esteem was in absolute tatters. So I go into work, and I just want to die, and Gabe’s so sweet. He sits me down on the sofa in his office and he starts kissing me. And I can’t handle the kissing at all, because I feel so undeserving. And then’—she makes a face—‘I say my safe word for the first time ever right as he tells me he loves me for the first time.’