Page 52 of She’s Worth the Risk

Lonely.

I watch my brother join his friends again in the booth, that word echoing through my head. It’s not a word I would have associated with myself in the past, but then I’ve never been very good at looking inward, have I? Not only inward; I never look at myself at all. Every mirror I pass, I turn away from. It’s easier not to look. Not to let myself see, to acknowledge all the things missing from my life. To let myself feel any of it.

You feel this too. I know you do.

I slump onto the bar, remembering Zinnia in that stairwell for the thousandth time, and guilt washes through me, like the alcohol pumping in my veins. I shouldn’t have lied. How could I say that to her, tell her I felt nothing? When it comes to Zinnia, all I fucking do is feel.

I sip my whiskey pensively, glancing around the bar. The music is louder, the lights lower, and a group of young women enter and head toward a booth. My gaze follows, certain I’m seeing things. She’s all I’ve been thinking about for weeks, and after a few drinks it wouldn’t surprise me.

But I’m not.

She’s here, in this bar, with her friends.

22

ZINNIA

The waitress sets our tray of drinks on the table, and I watch as Violet reaches for her virgin cocktail.

“You doing okay?” I ask across the booth.

“I’m feeling a little better,” she says. “I think this is what I needed.”

Poppy grins, sipping from her wineglass. “You and me both.”

I exchange a knowing smile with Daisy and Iris, and we clink glasses. Turns out it’s what I needed, too. When Poppy knocked on Gran’s door last week, bringing cupcakes and an invitation to girls’ night, I didn’t realize it would come at the perfect time.

“Is Kyle still driving you nuts?” Daisy asks, and Violet releases a grim laugh.

“Yes. I love the guy, but honestly, he’s smothering me. Who knew he’d be so protective?”

Poppy touches Violet’s belly with a smile. “He just cares about the little bean.”

“He cares too much,” Violet growls around her straw.

“Is there such a thing?” Iris asks, and Violet sighs, mouth softening into a smile.

“No.” She strokes her belly. “And even though this wasn’t planned, there’s no one I’d rather do it with than Kyle.”

I smile, listening to the women talk. They ask Poppy how Rose’s sleep is progressing, Daisy how a photoshoot went last week, and Iris how her studies are going, before moving on to me.

“What about you, Zinnia? How are classes with the hot professor?”

I let out an awkward laugh, glancing at my glass. This past week was… difficult. Try as I might, I’ve been unable to stop replaying that moment on the steps at the Met. The moment Nick told me he felt nothing. Maybe I should be hurt that he lied, or angry that he left me standing out on that ledge alone, but all I feel is guilt.

An ocean of guilt.

I put him in an impossible position. There’s no doubt in my mind that he feels this, but it wasn’t fair to ask him. To expect him to admit it outright.

It doesn’t matter what I feel. You’re my student.

He’s right, and I’ve known that all along. I don’t know what came over me, cornering him in the stairwell like that. I respect Nick so much, and it’s clear he respects me too. Pressuring him to risk his job by telling me he has feelings for me was the least respectful thing I could have done.

Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed by my behavior. I’m used to living in the moment, being spontaneous, going after what I want with little regard for the consequences, mainly because I never stick around long enough to find out what they might be.

But with Nick… I don’t know. I care about how he perceives me. I care about his opinion. Maybe that’s why I tried to impress him with all that stuff about Michelangelo’s David before I even knew who he was. Why I felt the need to explain my panic during the blackout. Why I poured my heart and soul into my final assignment. Whatever it is, it’s unfamiliar.

And pretty damn unsettling.