Page 33 of Before We Burn

The cabin is completely dark, and the only thing granting me some sense of direction is the moonlight shining through the window. There’s a kitchen table scattered with papers and a stove that looks like it’s fueled by wood. That’s when I see her.

Marz and Constantine stand in front of the giant brick fireplace where a body hangs above it. Her mouth is open in a silent scream, dried blood on her lips, her eyes clouded and transparent.

I think this is the Sahara we were looking for.

The sight is unsettling, and I want to look away but can’t.

“Why did they kill her?” Constantine asks with a growl.

I take a step back, knowing I’m going to be on the revenge list for this one. Marzana turns to look at me, her eyes filled with tears and shoulders deflated. She isn’t mad, she’s distraught, and I think I prefer the anger.

“This is why you don’t get the respect you ask for.” She points to the body hanging from the fireplace. “This is why we aren’t befriending you and welcoming you with open arms. Because even though I can hear your measly thoughts, there might be something deeper I’m missing. A secret plan, an understanding with your commanding officer.”

I see the anger in her body take on its own life form. It’s like the air has gone still and the world was completely silent for a moment.

“She never killed a human, do you know that?” Her voice breaks, and the room begins to breathe again. “She was so proud of herself for being able to hold off from feeding until she came across an older vampire who was able to give her a blood bag.”

She moves closer and closer to me after the end of each sentence, her face set in a permanent scowl and her fist balled at her side. I force myself to stand my ground, letting her get her anger out.

I’ve never thought about what it would be like on the other side of this. I never thought they would be able to feel anything. I was very wrong.

“They killed her because of something she couldn’t control. Her human life was erased from her mind. One day she woke up in a different body. No understanding, no answers, just fear and adrenaline.” Her hands gesture all around, her face shifting in and out of vampiric form.

“We don’t know why we are like this! We just know we’re here, and we’re hungry. We’re scared, and we want to survive.”

She stops in front of me, our faces inches from each other, and my eyes fill with tears. I understand her—I relate to her in so many ways—but for the wrong reasons. I never thought what we were doing was malicious. We were taught from enrollment that was just what it was. This is how we survive.

“I hate you,” she grinds out brokenly. Constantine grabs her hand and pulls Marzana into her. Marz turns her face away from me, both of us staring at Sahara’s body. Petrified and tortured.

I give the women space to grieve. My presence isn’t helping anyone. I wasn’t expecting vampires to have emotions, which is a strange thing to say, but I keep thinking more and more about the fact that I never saw them as people. I saw them as this thing I needed to eradicate so I could be happy.

When you look at the complexity of our situation, it's obvious there are monsters on both sides. Humans have taken this power struggle too far, trapping witches in cages and forcing them to do their bidding or they die. Marzana is aware that not all vampires are good, some of them revelling in the pain they cause. But there is a major difference I’ve been missing this entire time.

Vampires aren’t killing for sport—at least not the ones Marzana associates with. They’re killing for a need—a food source. Would I call a lion a monster because it’s hunting a gazelle? Or a whale eating its weight in krill? I try to steady my thoughts, taking control of my emotions and tucking them away.

I walk into the living room to find Marzana sitting there with her head hung low, face stuck in a frown. I’m not good with death—never have been—but being alone seemed wrong. I sit next to her and notice the body had been removed from above the fireplace, and Constantine is nowhere to be found. She probably decided to dispose of the body so Marzana would stop staring at it.

We sit there silently. I want to reach out to her, maybe hold her hand. Grief is odd, and no one deals with it the same way. For vampires, death must feel worse in some way. You live life as an immortal, death a distant concept. When that reality hits and death greets a friend—someone you’ve spent centuries with—the realization that they will never come back settles in. Their entire existence erased, just like their lives as a human.

I can only imagine how Marzana is feeling, because if it was me, I would be afraid of what my death would look like. Would I vanish forever, or would someone remember me?

She turns to me and smiles sadly. I don’t really know what to say to her. The way I would comfort Benny might not work for her, and I’m worried she will get even more upset.

“I’m sorry,” she says, before I can come up with something.

“For what?” I ask, surprised.

She has nothing to apologize for. Her criticism was right. I wanted to be treated as an equal after I spent my entire life treating them, and anyone else that was deemed dangerous, as less than. I have to prove myself to them; I shouldn’t have expected them to just trust me.

She shrugs and looks through the window in front of us. The lights and shadows sit perfectly on her face, accentuating her high cheekbones and peaked nose. “I shouldn’t have unloaded like that. After 382 years, you’d think I’d have more self control.”

“Eh, I’m used to getting cussed out. There was never a day in the barracks I could do something without someone telling me what a dumbass I am. Of course they mean well, but they’re dicks,” I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

She looks at me for a moment, and I can tell she sees through me. “You know, I don’t drink from humans anymore.”

My smile falls and I look at her, surprised. She drained that guy at the gas station so effortlessly I thought she was just hungry. She laughs and rolls her eyes. She must’ve heard my thoughts.

“That was out of desperation.” She turns to look away from me, her eyes landing on the wall above the fireplace. “I get hungry the same way you do, and if I needed to fight, I needed to maintain my energy. That was a very sloppy kill.”