Page 108 of We Were Eternal Once

That, and the fear she’ll never master it as I have.

I step from the shadows and she smiles at me. “I’m the early one? What a change of pace.”

“It isn’t so long a walk from the cafe,” I say.

Her smile is gone, her eyes full of fury. “You said you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

“You wore a disguise,” I say, flipping her hat from her head with my finger. She grabs it before it can fall, shoving it back on.

“A disguise is when you actually try to look different. I wear hats all the time. And that’s beside the point—you promised.”

“Who is she?” I ask. I hate the desperation in my voice, I hate the way it pitches upward. It’s vulnerable and weak.

“A fucking friend, Noë. A friend! I know that’s a foreign fucking concept to you,” she spits.

“Jesus fucking Christ, do not look at me like that! Am I supposed to feel bad for hurting your feelings? As if mine mean nothing? Fuck you, Noë. I’m sick of tiptoeing around you.” She turns abruptly, marching away from me.

She returns to the beach bungalow several hours later. I wait for her apology, for the angry makeup sex.

Instead she stands in the doorway, her face resolute.

“Noë, I love you, but I cannot be with you anymore,” she says. “I’ve spoken to my therapist, and…this isn’t healthy. You need help.”

I stand and reach out for her but she jerks away. “Wait…” I start.

“No. I mean it this time.”

I try to take her hand and she steps back again.

“This! This is what I mean! You’re not listening to me!”

“We can talk about⁠—”

“No,” she interrupts. “We’re not talking about shit. I’m done.”

“I’m sorry, Skye. I just--”

“No. I’m not listening to you.”

“I’ll sleep somewhere else the next few days, and then⁠—”

“NO!” she yells, and then she shoves me. It’s barely a push, not enough to send me even a step backwards. But it is enough to give me pause.

“I am not her, okay? I will never be her! Whoever fucked you up, whoever you were with before me. Everything I do falls short of this fucking…mythical creature you were with before me. I’m sorry I’m not perfect, okay? I’m sorry I don’t speak five hundred fucking languages. I’m sorry I’ve never been to Egypt or Germany or wherever the fuck you’ve been! I am not her, I will never be her, and you will never have a normal relationship as long as you try to rebuild her! Is she dead, Noë? Is that what happened? Did your lover die and so you’re trying to turn me into her? Well, I’m my own fucking woman. I didn’t escape a religious cult and then a weird gothic cult just to end up trying to be someone I’m not!

“You will destroy every relationship you try for until you get the fuck over her. Do you hear me? You are the reason for your suffering. Not me, not some group of fucking vampires, not whoever made you, not your ex…you. Remember that.”

Then she slams the door and leaves.

For good this time.

It hurts in a way I did not expect. I met Skye with guarded disinterest, but the more she pulled away, the more I dragged her closer. I do love her—did love her—but not as I loved you.

I sit on the couch, running through her words.

She is right. No matter how many groups of vampyrs I find, no matter how many women in the sitting room of my own, no matter how far I travel, there is still you.

I will never be free while you live.