Page 90 of We Were Eternal Once

I want to sob, but my body does not respond.

The pain grows and grows until my vision is white around the edges and I am sure I will faint. Can vampyrs faint? What does it mean if we do?

When I think the pain cannot grow any more, it stops. My ears ring. I can no longer hear your words, even as I watch the woman blush and fawn over you. She laughs at something you said, her soundless mouth open in joy.

In the wake of the pain is…nothing.

Emptiness.

I am unmoored by the feeling. All I’d known for so long was rage and hatred and anger. I’d been so angry with you, pushed you away, forced a wedge between us.

Then Zora’s death and…

Zora’s dead.

You are whispering to another woman.

I stand and sway. The human’s blood sits heavy in my stomach, like it might come back up. The buzzing feeling in my veins and ears amplifies, multiplies, until my vision tunnels to what is before me.

You’ve replaced me.

You’re replacing me.

You’ve found another human you like better, one you will turn and make love to. You will bury her in our grave and worship her as you did me.

I did this. This is my fault.

I trace the gems.

One—I need to leave.

Two—I did this. It’s my fault.

Three—I want to die.

Four—What have I done? This is my fault. What have I done?

My hands shake as they reach for my necklace. I’ve only removed it to repair it, otherwise it remains around my neck always. A symbol of your hold on me, of our closeness, of what I am to you and you are to me.

I hang it on the knob to the sitting room.

And I leave.

PART FIVE

Depression – Somewhere Outside Paris

North

Ileave Paris.

I do not know where I am going. I do not know how many days it’s been.

I count the gems on my bracelet.

I walk through the city into the wilderness. Exhaustion tugs at me, but I have much farther to go. I must be free of Paris, away from the smell of the Seine or the sight of the crumbling buildings.

My emptiness unmoors me, letting me float as a ship without an anchor. I move through villages and I wonder if any of these were Zora’s village? No, she is from the east. I head north.