Page 68 of Lucky 22

The next thing I know, Christian’s leading me over to thebed to sit down.

“You know we’ve always been honest with each other, right?”

“Right.”

“And you know that I would never tell you what you can orcan’t do.”

“I know that.”

He pauses, and I’m not sure where he’s going with this.

After another moment, he lets out a long breath, taking myhand in his. “I’m not comfortable with some of the…the characters you’ve beenplaying on Workin’ for Laughs. Itfeels like they’re…they’re…” Another pause. “Okay. I’m struggling with seeingyou being objectified on national television,” he blurts out. “I know it’s justacting and it’s not real, but it’s something that’s getting harder and harderfor me to deal with.”

Oh.

Oh…

Some of the sketches I’ve been in have really pushed me outof my comfort zone, but I’m not taking into account how they make him feel.

Wow.

“I’m not saying I don’t want you acting or that you have toquit Workin’ for Laughs, I’m just sayingthere’s nothing wrong with speaking up when things don’t sit right with you.”

“It’s not that easy, Christian. Writers can be verysensitive when you mess with their work, and they don’t appreciate theactors—the ones who aren’t also writers—telling them how to do their job.”

“But you’re not…”

“Trust me. It’s how they take it.”

He caresses my hand. “Okay. Okay.”

But now he has me thinking.

“What if I speak up and they put me in fewer sketches? Whatif I end up only being the girl in the background? This was supposed to be mybig break. It was finally my turn on a major network in prime time. People aregetting to know my name.”

He doesn’t say anything, but that’s okay. I do.

“The Storyteller shows are kids’ shows. My characters arereally funny, and I get to showcase a wide range of acting—I can have fun withit and show off my acting skills. But on Workin’for Laughs, only the guys get the funny stuff. I’m only supposed to stand,pose, smile, and be cute.”

“You are far too talented to only have to pose and be cute.”He laughs softly. “Although you do it well, and I personally love looking atyou. Still, that’s not what you’ve worked so hard for. It’s not what made youmove across the country at nineteen.”

“I know. I just don’t see any scenario where this will gowell.”

We sit in companionable silence for a bit before he gives mesomething to seriously think about.

“I guess the question is, can you be happy with thingsstaying the way they are? Is it worth not making waves just to have your nameon a show?”

I want to say that it’s worth it, that this is the kind ofthing every actor dreams of. But now I’m not so sure. Is this the kind of thingthis actor is dreaming of?

Is this what I trained and sacrificed so much for?

Right now, I don’t have an answer. All I can do is finishpacking, catch my flight, and show up on set in Atlanta.

Then, it’s anyone’s guess.

Spring training is over, which means Christian isfully immersed in baseball season while I’m in Atlanta, staring at my calendarand realizing I still have a full month of filming ahead of me. Time is flyingyet somehow dragging all at once.

I’m surrounded by people every day on set—constant noise,constant movement—but I’ve never felt more alone. I’m a newlywed living out ofa suitcase in one city while my husband builds his life in another. I eattakeout more nights than not, talk to Christian through a phone screen, andfall asleep alone.