Page 4 of The Sole Love

“I know now that I was impressed by him. When I forgot his arrogance, he was a man I should have liked to know and with whom I could have had a decent conversation, not the usual meaningless chatter. But he was not ready to accept me as his equal. That made me angry and bitter. And when I am angry, I behave even worse.”

“You enjoyed his presence because he was an accomplished gentleman, but you could not accept that feeling because you considered his faults more important. And more than that, he seemed not to admire you.”

“Probably. My God, you are probably right that I became angry because I wanted him to appreciate me. We danced, and instead of enjoying it, I wanted to show him that I despised his attitude. We talked, and I took pleasure in shocking him.

“But to tell you a truth I denied even to myself at the time, I was disappointed by his departure. Not as Jane was, obviously, but I was still sad and regretful. When he arrived at Rosings, I was ready to put aside my foolishness and befriend him. That is the best description of how I felt. I did not allow myself to be pleased, but I hoped we might overcome the obstacles that had stood between us in Hertfordshire. Instead, in Kent he suddenly became a boring man who seemed to have forgotten all those interesting subjects we had discussed a few months earlier. I had a better relationship with Colonel Fitzwilliam, with whom I could talk.”

“Such a fine man and gentleman…from what I have heard.”

“Yes, so different from Mr Darcy, without his excessive sense of his own importance. He told me quite honestly that, being a second son, he would have to marry a lady with a certain fortune. This declaration did not make him a scoundrel because I am sure he will respect his wife and family and become a good husband.”

“It is strange what happens to second sons in these great families. Lord Mansfield, your uncle’s partner, is in the same position. Being a second son, he had to find an occupation like other men. But it seems Colonel Fitzwilliam is less inclined towards work if he is waiting for a wealthy heiress.”

“Please do not judge him. He is a wonderful man. It is usually a woman’s destiny to search for fortune rather than love. But in either case, for men or women, it is regrettable. A marriage without love is so often unhappy, and many times it is the woman who bears the consequences.”

“I would not say quite the same,” Mrs Gardiner said rather cautiously. “Marriages are rarely made for love, and I admire your parents for giving you the liberty to choose.”

“I tend to blame Mama for her constant advice about marriage, regardless of the feelings we might have. Still, in the end, they will let us choose our husbands even though our family’s situation is difficult.”

“And—you were talking about Colonel Fitzwilliam,” Mrs Gardiner encouraged Elizabeth to arrive at the heart of her problems.

“My stay in Kent was completely uneventful, too uneventful at times, until, exactly a week ago, Colonel Fitzwilliam told me that Mr Darcy had advised a friend not to pursue a relationship with a certain young lady to whom they had strong objections.”

Mrs Gardiner drew a deep breath. The conversation was full of surprises, most of them unpleasant.

“My goodness,” she murmured, “was he speaking of Mr Bingley and Jane?”

“Yes, but the poor man had no idea. Imagine my anger. I was determined to confront Mr Darcy on the matter, and he gave me the opportunity by arriving at the Parsonage an hour after that conversation. But before I could say a word, he began talking and told me that he was in love with me. Imagine my surprise mingled with all that previous anger, which had not had time to dissipate. But his declaration of love immediately turned into a terrible indictment as I heard him speak of his disdain for my family. Apparently, he had fought against his feelings only to lose the battle. He said I was not a suitable wife, but…he accepted that and wanted to marry me anyway!”

“Those were his words?”

Elizabeth was no longer sad but furious. “Not exactly the same words, but his meaning was profoundly offensive to my family and also to me as a woman.”

Mrs Gardiner sighed with regret but also with a trace of anger. She did not know for sure whether she was angrier with him for not finding the right words or with her niece for being so intrepid.

“And you said ‘No’ without any reflection or a pause to consider the events.”

Elizabeth nodded, her desolation plainly visible on her face.

Curious as she was, Mrs Gardiner did not press her but waited for Elizabeth to continue.

“I was so offended by his attitude. How can a man propose and say he loves a woman despite all his rational reasons against it? And then ask for her hand while scorning her family. How was I supposed to live with such a man?”

“That is true, my dear. But many husbands or wives barely tolerate their spouse’s family. It is sad indeed, but not a tragedy. In time, such feelings often evolve into indifference, whether they begin as hate or love.”

“That might be true, yet it is not something I can accept. And then there was Jane. That man dared to judge Jane, allying himself with the Bingley sisters. He knew nothing about my sister and judged her reserve as indifference and her behaviour as a plan to triumph over his friend and gain his fortune.”

“That is indeed sad and wrong. He had a terrible impression of your family…but, Elizabeth…he asked you to be his wife—”

“I know.” Elizabeth sighed. “A week after telling him how much I disdained him and that I should never in my life marry him, I realised that when I refused him, I spoke only about my family. I did not say, ‘I do not love you. I do not want you for my husband.’ I refused him because of what he had done to Jane and because of his feelings towards my family.”

They remained silent for a long time. It was a valuable conclusion.

“Would you have married him if he had proposed differently?” Mrs Gardiner finally asked.

Elizabeth did not hesitate. “No. But if he had spoken less offensively…I am not foolish enough not to see our faults. If we had discussed faults and qualities, I would have taken time to reflect before answering. But faced with his horrible words, I reacted in the worst possible way. I offended him as he had offended my family, believing that he had offended me as well.

“He is different from the people I know. Papa often jokes and teases us. We tend to be rather considerate of each other and never tell a truth that might be hurtful. It took me some time to understand that he is honest in an absolute way and prizes truth above all. I do not say it is right to be so frank, only that he considered it his duty to tell me his true feelings about my family. He thought I would take them as a reflection of his honesty and not as an insult.”