Page 31 of Heart Of A Goon II

He followed behind me, and I didn’t miss the look on his face when he entered the room. “Why don’t we never have any in here then?”

Ramelle was very much like his older cousins. He idolized them, and they taught him everything he knew. My little boy wasn’t shy or meek in his personality. If he was feeling a way, you were going to hear about it.

It was a gift and a curse, because even as his mother I wasn’t spared. “Aren’t you going over to your Granny’s house?”

“Tomorrow… she wants me to help her clean her ceiling fans and those little glasses in the China cabinet.”

“Di tings dem weh she treasure di most,” I said, mocking my mother’s voice and accent whenever she spoke about those damn glasses in that cabinet.

“Come over there with me… we can stay for the weekend. Gran gets lonely without us.”

“She has her sister,” I snapped, and pulled the covers back over me, because I was feeling cold.

The boy ruined what I was about to do, and now I had to lay here and pray Rylan didn’t bring his ass home early, so I could kill the rest of it without sharing with him.

“Ma, you always in this room sleep and sick… and we know what sick means.”

“What does sick mean, Melle? Since you so grown and know every damn thing, tell me what does sick mean?”

He waved me off and sucked his teeth. “Not even important. All you wanna do is lay in here and wait for him.”

“Him? He’s your father and you need to start showing him more respect, Melle. Do you know how disrespectful you are to him?”

“Man, we better off without him. All he does is leave when the money is gone. Notice how he leaves before the rent is due and comes back once he knows it’s paid.”

“We hold each other down.”

“What? Ma, you sound foolish.”

I pulled my hand from under the blanket and pointed it at him. “Watch your mouth, Melle. Don’t let getting some facial hair get you batted.”

He was disappointed in me, and I could always see it in his face. I wanted to be better and even tried.. Every time I found the strength to stay off, and was doing slightly better, Rylan came in and got me back right again. Pulling me back under with him and I wasn’t strong enough to resist him.

Life used to be so much brighter. I remember going out and doing things with my friends and actually having a relationship with my son. We would have fun and do things together.

Now, I was confined to this apartment. Only going between the bathroom and bedroom, never actually leaving this place.

I felt like I was being sucked into a hole, and every time I tried to climb out, I was being pulled right back in. It was like a never-ending cycle that I wanted to be out of, and couldn’t escape.

“Can I go to school from Gran’s house?”

“I thought you said you were going tomorrow?” I yawned.

He shrugged. “Kind of want to be over there right now.”

The one thing I promised myself was that I would never deny Ramelle time with his family. If he wanted to see his great-aunt, or his grandmother, I would never get in the way of that. He was old enough to make it over there without me, so I allowed him.

“Okay. You have basketball practice tonight?”

“Uh huh. I’ll see if Ken is around to drive me.”

I peeked from underneath the blanket and stared at my baby. He was no longer a baby anymore and he was becoming a young man. A responsible one who got good grades, loved basketball, and just wanted more out of this life that I had provided for him. Guilt consumed me whenever I thought about the life that I should have given him.

When I was handed gold on a platter from my cousin, I accepted shit on toilet paper from Rylan. This wasn’t the life that we were supposed to live, and I allowed a man to force this life down my throat.

Just like he told me that he wanted to make me feel good, and now I felt bad until he came around making me feel ‘good’ again.

“Be safe, Melle. love you.”