Page 35 of Heart Of A Goon II

“Her problem is that she never had anyone be honest with her. This isn’t something she should be pushing under the rug. If she doesn’t tell Corleon, then I will.”

“Not our business,” Syn reminded him.

“Raising a child while she’s in a battle with her mental is our business. Corleon doesn’t know and she doesn’t seem like she is trying to tell him.”

Skyler’s secret wasn’t mine to speak on. I could understand why Don remained quiet once he found out about my biological mother. I found myself in the same situation because I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell.

“Are you really going to tell Corleon?”

“If she doesn’t tell him then I have no other choice. She’s raising that little girl while being unstable as hell. I can’t sit here and say she wouldn’t harm her child because I don’t know, Zoya. The brain is the strongest organ in the body. I wish I was old enough to help my own sister.”

I understood where he was coming from. Skyler was playing a dangerous game, and she needed to wake up and realize that her mental disease wasn’t going to reverse. This was something that she would have to live with for the rest of her life.

Like my depression.

I would have moments where life was happier and worth living for, then it could become dark. It scared me to have those conversations with Gerald and letting him in to see the Zoya who didn’t want to shower or clean.

The woman that would lay in bed in the dark for hours because everything hurt. It hurt to speak, think, make decisions or even move a muscle. It wasn’t a physical pain either, more of a mental one.

One where I spent my life being everything to everyone, so I didn’t have any energy for myself. It was easy to hide that part of me from the people I loved because I cherished my privacy.

I didn’t run around screaming “I’m depressed bitch!” from the roof top. Being pregnant and carrying a life while having to take antidepressants scared me. I hadn’t taken my medicine since finding out that I was pregnant.

“You alright?” Syn gently touched my hand.

I snapped out the frenzy that I was sending myself into and smiled. “Yeah. Just was thinking about something.”

Syn stood up, stretched and grabbed her phone. “Well, the mood is surely ruined up in here. I’m going to bike to the beach and spend some time there.”

Syn hugged us both and then called out to Skyler before she left. I watched as Kobe turned to look at me.

“How are you really doing? Don’t give me that I’m fine bullshit, either.”

I chuckled. “Scared.”

There was no other word that best described how I felt. When I thought about my man, best friends, brothers, and the rest of the men, I felt fear. Not knowing what was going on, or if I would get a call that something happened to my brothers, or Gerald scared me the most.

Whenever I touched my stomach, I thought about my child and that caused fear, too. What if I’m not the right person for this kid? I wasn’t the most affectionate person, and I struggled with my mental health like Skyler.

“Motherhood is scary.”

“Would my own child need protection from me?” I looked over at him, as he rubbed my back.

I could tell he was confused by the question I had asked. “What do you mean?”

“I struggle with depression, Kobe. It’s not bipolar disease, but it’s not something to just push under the rug, either.”

“Have you been diagnosed or are you just saying you struggle with depression?”

“Diagnosed with depression and take medication, too.”

Kobe turned to face me fully like he was seeing me for the first time. “Are you serious? I would have never assumed you were a fellow low battery bestie.”

I laughed. “A what?”

“It’s a nickname I use when I find someone who also has depression. The stigma around depression is already fucking depressing. I know it looks and shows up differently for everyone, but I never would have guessed you dealt with it, too.”

It felt like a relief hearing Kobe bring light to something that was considered dark. Don’t get me wrong, depression was very much dark. It was something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but it was hard living with something that was taboo. People acted like you were going to jump off the bridge the moment you mentioned you were depressed. It was the reason that only Landon knew that I took medication.