Page 106 of Love’s Silver Bullet

She laid a gentle hand to his arm. “A Savior sent by a loving Father,” she whispered, “and a man named Dirk sent by God to redeem a little boy who hell tried to claim, but never could. Dirk gave up his life so you could be free, Jake, just like God’s Son did for each of us. So, please”—her tone quivered with the need to reach him—“don’t let Dirk’s death be in vain.” Her voice trailed off into a frail plea. “Nor that of God’s Son.”

He turned to search her face for the priceless treasure she was, and slowly lifting his hand, he tenderly traced the curve of her jaw. “I’m not,” he whispered, his resolve shielded by the softest of love. “Dirk laid down his life for me, Sheridan, and that’s what I intend to do for you.”

“No …” She shook her head violently, the motion splashing more tears down her cheeks. “Because if you do, Jake, you’ll be laying my life down too.”

“No, I won’t,” he whispered, scanning her face to commit it to memory because after today, he intended to keep his distance. “You’re bright, beautiful, and good, Sheridan Donovan, and someday some lucky man will sweep you away as the girl of his dreams.”

He tucked a finger to her chin with a gentle smile. “Just not before you get your degree, understood? Because I promised your uncle and brothers I would make sure no man got too close until then”—his smile faded into regret—“which is exactly why I’ve been leading you on all this time, Sheridan, which I swear I didn’t want to do. But Blaze and Dash strong-armed me over and over, every time another man even got close. Heck, even Finn got into the act after Carmody pulled that stunt about wanting to marry you.”

Leaning back, a grimace lined his lips, his manner more than a little sheepish. “In fact, it’s time that you know one of the biggest reasons I’ve shied away from you all this time, Sher, even though your uncle asked me to keep it quiet. You see, after you turned sixteen, Finn actually pulled me aside and made me swear to help keep all romance and other men away till you graduated. Something about a promise he made to your mom before she died. And since that’s only five months away now, Half-Pint, I figure I’ve done my job, and it’s safe to tell you.”

“But that’s just it, Jake,” she said with a thump of her fist on the sofa, “you didn’t do your job! You didn’t keep ‘romance’ away! You just made me fall deeper in love with you. Every smile and every kiss—”

“I know,” he said quickly, cuffing the back of his neck as blood gorged his cheeks, “and I’m sorry, darlin’, really I am, but your brothers convinced me it was for the best, and even Finn asked me to divert your attention from Carmody by flirting with you.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, wishing he’d never allowed his best friends to talk him into all of this. “But they all figured the hurt could be a whole lot worse if you’d fallen for womanizers like Morgan or Carmody, Sher, so I went along.”

Sheridan clutched his hand. “But your promise to Uncle Finn is over in five months, Jake, you said it yourself, so I don’t understand what’s stopping you now, even with the horrible past that you had.”

“Sher.” He took both of her hands in his own as he ducked to meet her distraught gaze with his own. “After Dirk”—a muscle convulsed in his throat—“died, the town of Hell Gate turned on me just like Bannock turned on my ma and me. Word got out that I was to blame, not only for my sister’s and mother’s deaths, but for Dirk’s and a half dozen other men in the posse as well. During the shoot-out, I heard Rattlesnake shout that I was Ace Conroy’s kid, and they should lynch me up just like my pa and step-pa.”

He felt his jaw turn to rock as he finished up his sad story, ignoring the stream of tears that slipped down Sheridan’s face, almost numb to it for the vile vent of emotions bottled up far too long. “When the preacher from Bannock heard about it, he rode all the way to Hell Gate to warn the town, telling them if they knew what was best, they’d banish me because I had Ace Conroy’s blood in my veins and was a demon from hell, just like my pa. He riled everyone up so much, some of the town folk even started talking about a lynching.”

He barely heard Sheridan’s groan as his gaze trailed into a distant stare over her shoulder. “I was only eleven at the time, but smart enough to know I had to leave. So, I took my shotgun and Dirk’s horse, and I didn’t stop till I got to Virginia City, miles away from any memory of Bannock or Hell Gate.”

He swallowed hard as his gaze finally met Sheridan’s soggy one. “Sister Fred took me in at the orphanage, and I saw the same love in her eyes that I’d seen in Dirk’s, so I worked myself to the bone for that woman, and I listened this time when she talked about God, like I never listened to Dirk.”

“And that’s when Blaze brought you to the ranch,” she whispered, “when I was only four.”

His smile was sad as he tenderly brushed her hair over her shoulder. “You reminded me so much of Josie,” he whispered, voice hoarse as moisture stung in his nose, “and I fell in love at first sight.”

She nodded, and the motion dislodged more tears from her eyes, her voice as soft and sweet as the first time he’d heard it so very long ago. “Me too. But I still don’t understand why we can’t be, Jake. You and I were meant for each other, and we both know it.”

Heart aching, he softly skimmed her arms with his palms, wishing more than anything that he could love her the way they both wanted. But he could never do that to her.

Or the children they might bring into this world.

“I already told you, Sheridan, I’m a damaged man, and I won’t do that to you or any children we might ever have.”

She broke free from his hold to cradle his jaw in her hands. “We’re all ‘damaged’ people, Jake, until God sets us free, and ‘if the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.’”

He stepped back, causing her arms to fall. “I wish it were that simple.”

“It is that simple!”

“Not for me,” he whispered, inching away to sit on the edge of the sofa as he faced her again, taking her hand in his. “One time when my father waled on me, he beat me unconscious. Fearing I would die, he took me and my mother to a doctor in another town. She told me later that the doctor waited until my father went to use the privy, then took her aside to ask a number of questions, finally telling her that he feared my father had a mental disorder.”

“What?” Ridges furrowed Sheridan’s brow.

“He said he’d seen cases where men were violent for no reason, showing no remorse or empathy even for family, a tendency to lie and manipulate, deceit and reckless behavior, and breaking the law. He warned her to leave, but then my pa came back, and nothing more was said.”

Entwining her fingers with his, he studied their hands together, knowing they could never be joined that way. “Later, when my ma was angry at me, she told me Pa had a disease that I obviously inherited too. Since then, I’ve read a lot and have discovered my father was more than likely a psychopath, a new term for a person with no conscience, no chance for a normal life, exhibiting all the symptoms he had. And although it appeared I also leaned that way as a youth according to my mother and the people of both Bannock and Hell Gate,” his gaze rose to connect with hers, “I have never exhibited any behavior like that since Sister Fred or your uncle took me in.”

“Of course not!” Sheridan said, gripping his hand all the tighter. “You’ve never been like that with us, Jake, never.”

“No, that’s true …” He slowly rubbed his thumb along the base of her wrist, shame flushing the back of his neck over that day at the orphanage. “Although Clay Morgan might beg to differ with you on that one, darlin’.” He slowly raised his gaze to hers, sorrow pooling in his eyes against his will. “But my children could be, Sheridan,” he whispered, “which is reason enough that we can’t be.”

“I don’t care!” she shouted, fingernails digging in to his skin. “We can handle whatever comes if we do it together with God by our side. ‘Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand because a threefold cord is not quickly broken,’” she quoted, the desperation bleeding into her voice.