Page 74 of A Whim and a Prayer

Winnie sat up straight, fingers clenched to the chain of the swing. “Oh, for pity’s sake, Campbell—what ever happened to my sweet, patient best friend?”

His mouth took a slant. “He fell in love with the friend who refuses to love him back.”

“I don’t understand—if you’re in love with me, then why can’t you respect that I don’t feel the same way?”

He leaned in, jaw sculpted in rock. “Because you do feel the same way! I know it deep down in my gut, but for some reason you have this cock-eyed idea that you’ll lose me if we get romantically involved, which is just plain stupid!”

She slammed a fist on her knee, fighting back a sting of tears. “No, it isn’t stupid! You are everything to me, Beck—the dearest friend I’ve ever had. But if we got romantically involved, it would change—I just know it! And you know it too! I’ve told you this before—don’t you remember? Every single time I’ve ever liked a guy in the past—head over heels or not—I’d start to hate him as soon as he started falling for me too, and then you would have to pick up the pieces. Can you deny it?”

Some of the stiffness left his body as he raked a hand through his hair. “No, I can’t deny it, but that wouldn’t happen to us, Winnie, because our love for each other is real and true.”

She nodded in agreement, eyes wide. “Yes, it is real and true, which is why I never want to risk losing it.” A shudder rattled her body. “I hate gambling, Beck, and I refuse to gamble on losing you.”

“You won’t—”

“I will!” she shouted, fists knotted at her sides. The fear in her voice was deafening, but the eerie silence of the snow-laden yard stifled it, making it sound almost dead and empty.

Like our friendship would be …

The very thought paralyzed her as she dropped back in the seat with a sob, shoulders bent and head in her hands.

“Oh, babe …” As always, he was there, his voice as tender as his hold while he gently rocked her in his arms. “Shhh … it’s going to be all right, Winnie, I promise. We’ll work it all out.” Pressing his head against hers, he slowly caressed her hair.

She dug her fingers into his coat, desperate to hold on with all of her might. When she finally spoke, her voice was nasal and full of grief. “Beck, don’t you understand? Something’s wrong with me inside. It’s like something you once said—that I think I’m damaged goods, not worthy of love. At least not love like you want.”

“Winnie,” he whispered with a kiss to her head, “I also told you that’s not true. It’s nothing but a lie from the pit of hell that you refuse to let go.”

She sniffed, and he immediately pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, nudging it into her hand. She dabbed at her eyes and nose. “Well, I came from the pit of hell, remember? D-Dumped on the steps of an orphanage like so much t-trash at the age of two. Kids rejecting and taunting me all of my life till you came along and even after.” She blew her nose hard and sagged against his chest. “Deep in my soul, I feel like I’m scarred from it all, Beck. An orphan who can’t seem to love anyone who tries to love her, because she ends up hating them.”

“I love you, and you don’t hate me ...” His mouth took a twist. “Yet.”

She pulled back, still fisting his jacket as if afraid to let go. “But that’s just it, Beck—you’re my friend—and always have been—not my boyfriend.”

He tucked a finger to her chin. “Your family loves you and you don’t hate them.”

She grunted. “Because it’s different with family. They have to love me—they didn’t choose to.”

“Your mother did. She chose you out of an entire orphanage of kids because she wanted you. Loved you.”

Winnie nodded. “Yes, and sometimes I think that’s exactly why I buck her so much, almost trying to hurt her for loving me. Thinking she’s not worth it because …” More tears welled in her eyes. “I’m not worth it.”

He paused, his heavy sigh feathering her skin. “God thinks you are, Winnie.”

“Ha! Sure he does, Campbell—that’s why he gave me crossed eyes and degenerate parents who threw me away like garbage.”

“No, that’s why He gave you me to watch over you from little on, your mother to rescue you from a past you didn’t deserve, and a teacher like Mrs. C who chose you—and you alone—to mentor through high school and now college.” He grazed his lips to her forehead, filling her with a peace she seldom knew. “Not to mention a family who desperately loves you, Pooh, along with a best friend who does too.”

She thrust in closer, clutching him with all her might, the comforting scent of Beck calming her spirit. “Oh, Beck, I love you—with everything in me. And maybe someday … I’ll be able to give you what you want, but for now …” She pulled back to beg him with her eyes. “can we try something new?”

Chapter Fifty

She felt his body tense. “I’m almost afraid to ask.” His jaw hardened. “What?”

“Will you give me a little more time apart to … you know … let things settle?”

His chest expanded and slowly deflated as his lips compressed. “How long?”

“Another month, then we’ll pick up our friendship where it left off—at Christmas.”