Page 37 of Ex Somnis

And that realization lands somewhere unpleasantly soft in my chest, because under all the anger, this is still the easiest conversation I’ve had in months.

I hate that a little.

“So.” Paul’s gaze finds mine over the rim of his glasses with that infuriatingly patient expression. “Wanna go first, or should I?”

I wanted this.

A chance to apologize.

“It was my fault.” I look at the plant he micromanaged because it’s easier than his face. “I know I pushed too hard.”

I built his worst nightmare inside his head.

“Using what I knew about you against you like that. It was… I had reasons. I thought it would help. I thought if I could get you to untether, you’d understand that it was possible, and we could… but that’s not the point.” I drag a hand through my hair. “The point is I should have apologized for it. I was going to. I had the whole thing worked out, what I was going to say, and then you cut me off before I got the chance to, and I was so… I was so angry that I never said it, so I’m saying it now.”

I make myself meet his gaze. “I’m sorry. For the spiders, the darkness, and for using what you told me in confidence to pin you down in your head. That was an asshole move. But you did not have to be such a complete dickhead because of it.”

“Is that the Ridge version of an apology? Meaning it completely and undermining it slightly in the same breath?”

I scoff and ignore his remark. “Just so we’re clear. You ended it and closed the door. I stood on the other side of it for five years, being furious, because that’s easier than the alternative.”

“Which is?” Paul asks.

“Missing you.” The words come out flat. “I know that’s embarrassing, so I’ll thank you not to make a thing of it.”

“I missed you too.”

Well.

That’s deeply unfortunate for my emotional stability.

“Then why did you do it?”

He straightens slightly but stays quiet.

“You could’ve yelled at me. You could’ve made me grovel properly. Honestly, I deserved that.” I lean back further into the chair. “Instead, you just disappeared.”

“If I told you there was another reason,” he says after a moment. “Would you believe me?”

“Depends on the reason.”

“This Man.”

Cold moves through me at the mention of my personal nightmare. “What about him?”

“When you made me untether, and I stepped into 5D, he saw me. He saw what we were trying to do for Tessa. And when you visited me again after that, he saw what you could do.”

“Which is?”

“Dream share.”

I scoff. “Apparently, being able to dream share is not special. Tessa can do it. So can Lennon.”

Paul’s eyes go wide behind his glasses. “Lennon can dream share?”

“She can do a lot.” I roll the lollipop to my other cheek. “I’ve never seen anyone with that kind of stability. Not even you.”

“I didn’t know she was lucid dreaming at all.”