Page 91 of Ex Somnis

The man notices when clouds move.

“Lennon.”

I stare at the opposite wall.

Six years. The celibacy thing started five years ago.

Oh.

It’s fine.

It’s an itch under my skin I can’t reach.

It’s fine.

I’m going to crawl out of my body.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

“Are you mad at me, darling?”

His fingers close gently around my chin, turning my face toward his, and suddenly all of it comes pouring out.

“She’s gorgeous, right?” I ask, leaning back from his touch.

Paul frowns at me. “Who?”

“Tessa. She’s beautiful, funny, and she’s just…” I gesture vaguely. “Her. She’s Tessa. So I understand. For the record, I completely understand. Derek understood. Obviously he understood, because that’s the whole problem. And you’ve been sitting beside her for six years, talking to her, not giving up on her, and⁠—”

“Lennon.”

“And I’m not saying you did anything wrong. I’m not accusing you of anything. I think maybe I’m a very convenient⁠—”

“Lennon.”

“—fixation while she wasn’t available, and I’m sure it felt real because I think you actually do care about me and⁠—”

“Lennon, for fuck’s sake.” Paul grabs my face in one hand to make me look at him.

He isn’t calm anymore. Not angry either.

It’s worse.

He looks hurt. Genuinely hurt. His jaw is tight, and his eyes are fixed on mine, and for the first time since I’ve met him, he looks like he has no idea what to do with me.

“A fixation?”

My stomach drops. “Paul, I didn’t mean⁠—”

“No.” His laugh is short and disbelieving. “No, I heard you.”

“Paul.”

“Do you know how many people exist in this town?”

“What?”

“How many women exist in this area, Lennon?”