Page 99 of Ex Somnis

“The kiss was the best thing to happen to me in a long time. I’m not hurt about the kiss.”

“You’re not?”

“No. I’m just… I feel like I made it harder on you. I didn’t want to do that. I feel like I make it harder on everyone.”

“You didn’t.”

“I thought I was in love with Sydney. For a long time, I thought that was the whole…” He waves a hand. “I thought that’s what I wanted, even though I always knew it wasn’t really her, and more the idea of her. And then you materialized into my life, and I got to know you. And you weren’t an idea at all. You were just… you were everything. And I’m not entirely sure when that happened.”

The tears are there before I can stop them, and I blink hard. “Nevan.”

He shrugs with one shoulder, like he didn’t just say that. “I made it harder on Sydney because I couldn’t stop mourning what I thought that could be, and now I made it harder on you because I misunderstood.”

“You didn’t misunderstand anything,” I manage, and take a step closer to him. “I’m so sorry. You should be mad at me for running away like that. I should have talked to you, but I was scared and…”

That gets a short, surprised laugh out of him. “Lemon, I’m not mad at you.” His gaze drops. “I’m mad at myself.”

“Why?”

He pauses long enough for some clouds to drift through the space between us.

“Why would you even want me?” he asks quietly, his gaze on the ground or whatever counts as the ground here.

God, Nevan.

“No.” I take another step toward him. “No, that’s not…” I shake my head. “I want you so much. That’s the whole problem.”

He looks up in surprise. “You do?”

“Yeah.” I exhale. “It scared the shit out of me. Because you’re not…” I only hesitate for a moment before I make myself say it. “You’re not the only one I want.”

“I know. Jasper told me.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, he did.”

Of course, he did, the little minx.

“And what do you think?” I ask carefully. “About all of it.”

His foot pushes off the cloud floor, and the swing sways gently under him. “I mean…” he tilts his head, “… I get why you’d want them. I understand that part.”

“But?”

“I just don’t understand why you’d need me in the mix.” He says it so plainly, not even self-pitying, but honest, which is somehow worse.

“Nevan.” I cross to him and brush my hand through his hair. “That’s like asking me why I need the sun to shine.”

His mouth curves into a soft smile. “You feel like sunshine to me too.”

I let my tears fall because Nevan deserves to see how I feel about him. To see how much I mean it, even if he’s not lucid and won’t remember.

I swipe at my nose, and his hand is already there, his thumb brushing over the bridge of it once.

“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” His fingers hook into the waistband of my skirt and tug me closer until I’m standing between his legs. “Fuck, I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve dreamed about that kiss. Can I kiss you again?”

I’m already smiling. “Please.”