Page 49 of Demon Touched

“…a good sign. It means they’ll come in soon,” she says, and I nod to show I’m listening.

“How do you sleep with them, anyway?” I ask, looking at her own wings. The thought has only occurred to me recently with the arrival of the ridges. As far as I can remember, Syrus vanished his wings the few times I slept next to him, so I have no point of reference. It’s a neat trick, but the ephilium can’t do it. “Can you just never lie on your back?”

Filippa laughs. “We have the missionary position in Aradis, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Well, I wasn’t before—but now I’m curious,” I say.

“I can think of at least one person here who might be interested in showing you how that works,” Filippa says, looking over to where Rowan is speaking with some cadets on the other side of the dining hall.

I bite my lip then shake my head a little before taking another gulp of coffee.

“Come on,” Filippa says, a touch impatient. She doesn’t get why I’m being coy about this. “You must’ve noticed he’s obsessed with you. Half the female fledglings and a fair portion of the male ones are very put out about it.”

“Obsessed with our family more like,” I say. “I think he’d marry the general if he could.”

Filippa shrugs. “Well obviously, but most people would be flattered by that. It’s a compliment to you that he thinks your family is a good one—it says a lot about how he sees you too.”

We’re both not saying the obvious thing out loud, about how it’s Filippa’s family much more than mine, and yet Rowan’s focused his attentions solely on me. I don’t get the sense Filippa particularly wants Rowan’s attention, but it’s still awkward.

“My stepmother was like that,” I say, trying to nudge the conversation in a slightly different direction. “Always thinking about status and people’s background. But there are plenty of people outside of Aradis who don’t care about any of that. They just like you for you and not where you come from.”

Sometimes they like you despite where you come from. Because Syrus getting involved with a human was complicated enough, but when it turned out I was nephilim…well, he was still willing to break all the rules for me, wasn’t he? It just wasn’t enough. I needed more.

“It really doesn’t matter to everyone?” Filippa asks, her eyes widening a little.

“Not even to most people,” I say. “So it’s hard for me to feel good about Rowan only being interested in me for my last name.”

“That’s obviously not the only reason,” Filippa says with a little eye roll and a hand wave at my face. “And he’s also not hard on the eyes. But maybe you should ignore me. I don’t know why I’m encouraging you to pair off with the nest’s golden boy and fully assimilate. I’m probably just trying to live vicariously through you, except I actually prefer you as a black sheep like me.”

“Don’t worry, Filippa, I’ll always be a freak,” I wink at her.

She laughs. “That’s a relief. Oh, and to answer your question, wings are uncomfortable to lie on when they’re still coming in, but once they’re grown, you’ll be able to tuck them back, and then…I don’t know…they just fit under you. Don’t worry. It kind of figures itself out.”

But when she goes back to her breakfast, I do worry, chewing on my lip and feeling guilty about how much attention Rowan’s been paying me. Attention I can’t reciprocate, because I’m too hung up on a demon lord and this thing we both do and don’t have.

Whatever it is, I’m left trying to clear up the shattered pieces in the messy aftermath, and there’s no space for a boyfriend while I’m doing that. I can’t consider getting too close to anyone when I have demon magic running through my veins and Cyrax on my tongue. Even when he’s not here, Syrus’s fingerprints are all over me. And the evidence of his hold on me could be dangerously detectable if I slip up or someone looks too closely.

Which means I shouldn’t keep letting Rowan think he has a chance, even if it means losing his help with the trials. It’s not fair to him and not safe for me. I finish my food about the same time as Rowan goes to leave the dining hall, so I hurry to catch up with him in a corridor not far from the nest.

“Rowan,” I call. When he turns to see me, his smile is warm and genuine, making my gut twist with guilt again.

“Hey,” he says. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“Yeah? Me too,” I say. I fall into step beside him and then, because it’s better if I get this over with, I jump right in.

“Listen, it’s been so great, the way you’ve welcomed me to the academy and helped me with training. You’ve been a good friend, and I honestly really appreciate it, but…I get the sense that maybe…”

“Maybe I think we could be more than friends?” he finishes, not sounding at all self-conscious.

“Yes,” I say, relieved that he found the words for me.

He tilts his head, looking me over with an easy smile. “Well, can’t we?”

I exhale, wondering how to handle this. Maybe it would have been smarter to come up with a plan for what to say instead of jumping right in…but I can hardly back out now. “I’m not sure we can.”

He considers this.

“There was someone else, wasn’t there?” he says after a beat, making me gape.