Page 59 of Colombian Chemistry

“Yeah,” I whispered. “Me too.”

We held each other quietly for a minute, both knowing that just because we had these feelings didn’t change the reality coming our way. In a couple hours, she’d be on a plane, and I’d never see her again.

I glanced at the digital clock on the nightstand. “We should go. Hector needs to get us to the airstrip. Knox will be there soon. We’ll just throw you in the plane, and he’ll get you to safety.”

“And you trust him?”

I snorted. “With my life. Family isn’t always blood. Those guys? Knox, Piper, and Wesley? They’re my family. And Knox is a powerhouse. Not only is he a skilled pilot, but he’s the guy you bring to finish a fight. The big guns we called him.”

“If you trust him, I trust him.”

I thought of all the times I’d be dead if it weren’t for Knox. I was now trusting him with something more important than my own life... I was trusting him with hers. “I do. He’ll make sure you’re safely away from all this shit.”

“What happened to your blood family?”

“They’re out there somewhere.”

“You don’t talk to them?”

I shook my head. “Nah. We weren’t close.”

“How were you not close with your family?”

Memories of my childhood invaded my mind, and I forced them back out where they belonged. “My dad was a Marine, and he had some serious PTSD after the war. Took to drinking to numb the pain. My mom had enough eventually, and she took off with some biker when I was three. Never saw her again. My dad raised me alone, if you can even call it that. He was too drunk and depressed to do anything other than open his next beer, and when the memories got to be too much, he took his frustration out on my face. I didn’t even say goodbye when I left for the military right after high school graduation.”

“I’m so sorry,” Irene said softly. “That’s terribly sad. PTSD is a serious issue among vets.”

“Yeah. I’ve seen a lot of it.”

“Do... do you have any?” she asked. “Shit. I probably shouldn’t have asked that. Way too personal.”

“No, it’s okay,” I answered. “I don’t really. I mean, I don’t have nightmares where I wake up choking people, if that’s what you mean. You’re safe.”

I chuckled. “Considering I’m still alive this morning, that’s a good thing.”

“I suppose we all have it in some shape or form. I guess if I’m being honest, mine is that I feel like I have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. Like I can never just settle down and be happy.”

“And do you?” She leaned up and stared at me. “Do you have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life?”

It was such an odd thing hearing the question posed out loud. After several years of living life out of the Elite Stealth Force, it hadn’t even occurred to me I didn’t have to anymore. Any of the threats that were out there, we’d extinguished. And even if I’d left anyone in my wake that wanted me dead, there’s no way they could ever figure out who I was or where I was. In reality, I supposed I did have a form of PTSD. Just not the kind that had me jumping when fireworks went off. It was the kind that forced me into a life of solitude.

“No. I guess I don’t,” I answered. “It’s just after so many years of never being able to lay down roots or sleep with both eyes closed. I guess I still live that way. Alone. Always ready to move. Always looking over my shoulder. And now that you mention it, I suppose I don’t have to anymore. It’s just so ingrained in me that I don’t know any other way.”

“I hope someday you don’t. I hope you can find peace. You deserve it.”

Her words struck harder than she’d intended, and I found myself wishing for the same thing. Peace.

“And the others? Do they have the same problem?”

“Yes and no. Piper is Piper. I don’t think anything ever gets to her. If she has it, she hides it well. She wasn’t ready to retire at all, more than the rest of us. If it wasn’t for needing to save Knox, and for their betrayal in abandoning him, Piper would have stayed so long she’d be a ninety near old assassin still out there doing what she does best.” I chuckled at the thought of her as an old lady slitting someone’s throat. “Honestly, I think she’s bored senseless being retired. Piper lived for the hunt... the thrill. I never saw her flinch once when she made a kill. And Wes is lucky. He never had boots on the ground for missions and got to do his job from the comfort of his couch. Honestly, I only ever met him in person twice. Even though he wasn’t there with us physically, he was an integral part of our team. We would be blind and deaf without him. I doubt he has any PTSD issues because he never even had to put on pants to do his part of the job. But Knox has PTSD pretty bad from being taken. Although, what else can you expect? The man was tortured for six months, trying to get him to spill out who he worked for and government secrets.”

“Six months?” she breathed. “I didn’t realize they’d had him that long.”

“Yeah. It was a fucking nightmare. They took him deep underground, and even Wesley and his ability to hack any camera or computer in the world couldn’t find him. Piper finally infiltrated a group of terrorists in Iraq that mentioned this huge American they had hostage. We knew it had to be him. We went in and got him out the next week. He went through a lot there.” I blew out a breath. “A lot.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“No. None of us can. But he stayed strong and never broke to their interrogations, and eventually, he recovered. Mostly.”