Page 129 of Split You Open

It’s not until we’ve both caught our breaths does Ledger pull out. Rather than abrupt, the motion is slow and careful. Still, I’m left feeling bereft. Ledger sits up, grabbing my legs as he does, and brings them back down to the floor to place them around his body where he kneels.

The adrenaline that has been coursing through my veins, along with the anger and hurt, fades away. With their departure comes a wave of grief and confusion. They swell up so quickly that I don't have time to process why I feel this way.

My body begins to tremble and tears sting my eyes.

I gasp for air but the motion is hollow.

Shame joins the fray as I realize I’m about to fall apart in front of the one man I never wanted to break down in front of. As Ledger tucks himself back into his pants, I throw an arm over my eyes to cover up signs of my weakness.

Not that it helps disguise anything.

Not when a weak sob breaks free or as my body trembles harder.

“Blair…”

Suddenly, I’m scooped up off the kitchen floor. My arm falls away from my face so that I can turn and hide my tears into the fabric of Ledger’s shirt as he pulls me into his chest. He carries me across the kitchen, over to the island and places me on the edge.

The minute I’m out of his arms, my hands cover my face as I openly weep.

Ledger leaves me there.

I hear him move around the kitchen, but I don’t care enough to wonder what he’s doing.

He’s back a minute later. I only know because I can feel his shadow descend over me and the scuffling of his boots. His hands land on my knees to pull them apart. A warm, wet rag is dragged through me to clean away the mess he’s made.

I flinch, aching now that we’re done.

“Blair, I… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

There’s no missing the double meaning behind his words.

When Ledger’s done, he tugs at one of my wrists so that I’m forced to face him. I let my other hand drop and make myself peer up at him. There’s no hiding from Ledger. This is me in all my glory and if it disgusts him, well… that’s that. It shouldn’t matter. Not after what he’s done to me.

So why does my shame grow more intense?

Ledger brings a glass of water up to my lips. His mouth is pressed into a tight line as he watches me take a sip.

“I gave you a home and people who now love you,” he says slowly, his voice rough and low. “It’s what you’ve always wanted and what drove you to become CeCe, right? You wanted somewhere safe to live and people who could give you the emotional stability your father never could. The problem was you sought it out in a world that could never accept the true you, Blair.”

His handsome green eyes search my face, looking for something.

I swallow, hating how raw my throat feels.

My discomfort must’ve shown on my face because Ledger brings the water back up to my lips. I take several small sips until the ache is gone then pull back. Looking away from the man in front of me, I take a moment to wipe the tears from my eyes and cheeks.

When I’m sure I can face him without any more tears, I give Ledger my attention again.

He’s watching me grimly.

“This home is a prison, Ledger,” I mutter grimly. “This feels no different than Dad hiding me in an old steamer chest, beneath the floorboards, or in a dark cellar when he wanted me safe while danger was around. The only difference is you brought the danger to me.”

Ledger winces.

I press on, ready to be done with all of this.

“And those people who love me?” I continue. “They’re out there right now putting their lives on the line for me. I could lose one or all of them—the heartache would be the same. The guilt that would consume me if that happens would eat me alive. This could all be temporary, Ledger. And if so, what then? When everyone is dead—would it all have been worth it?”

Ledger’s brows creep together in confusion. “But you wanted⁠—”