Page 108 of The Has-Been

I deserve to see them fall.

My chest expands as I pull in a deep breath. I know I should take what I can get, what little pieces she offers me when she’s ready. But I’m not okay with just a piece of Aubrey. I’ve lived off bits and memories for the last year. I want everything.

No more lies. No more secrets.

No more tomorrows.

“Stay awake for me, Aubrey. I beg you.” I plead, my words sudden—sharp.

She withdraws. And I know I’ve lost her, just as I got her back. But if I’m going to, I might as well try to find out everything I don’t know. To try to save her as she did me.

“Something happened. Something you aren’t telling me,” I whisper, trying to search through my hazy, lethargic memories.

“I—” she begins, but stops.

“You can tell me.” I nod, coaxing her to stay steady—to stay with me. “Please, please tell me. I want to know.”

My eyes settle into her, like a heavy anchor in a calm sea.

“I can handle it now—whatever it is,” I add breathlessly.

She begins shaking. Her tears that were only a steady flow now became chest-heaving sobs. I take a step forward. But she keeps walking backward, inching closer to the door, to what I know is her exit.

Running away from me once again.

“Stop running, Aubrey. Please. Just stay.” My voice cracks in time with my heart as she takes another step back, and I fucking break.

“Wake up. Please, open your eyes and stay here with me.” I swallow down my tears. “The silence will only pull you further under—I would know.” I grit through my teeth. I test her, taking another step in her direction. “Please. Please, tell me.” I beg. And God, do I sound desperate.

“I-I—” but her words never come.

Clearly, whatever it is, it’s big enough that she doesn’t want to tell me. And maybe…just maybe, it’s best we keep it that way.

Maybe I haven’t earned it—not yet.

So I give her one last truth, a final confession. Knowing I need to say it more for myself than for her.

“When hockey ended, I thought everything ended. I really believed there was nothing left worth staying for. I kept looking—but I was lost. Convincing myself I was meant to be empty, that I wanted the silence. I couldn’t see past it. I couldn’t see you. Or my friends. Or my mom—” I choke, my tears uncontrollable. “I only noticed the hurt.” I wipe my face, holding my head high, “I forgive you for leaving me. Not because it broke me, or because I’m fully healed from it—but because now I see, you had your own reasons for doing it—I wasn’t there. I had already left you.”

Aubrey refuses to look at me.

“I’m sorry.” I swallow, forcing a deep inhale. “I’m so sorry.” I shake my head, eyes darting away. “I beg you, don’t make the same mistake as I did. Don’t let the bad win. Whatever happened—let it shape you, but never let it mute you. You are meant to be seen and heard, Aubrey Vaughn. And I’ll be ready to listen when you finally want to talk.”

And because I love her, because I’m certain there is not a day I won’t, I say, “I love you. I’m not going to leave. Not again. I want you to see that I’ve changed—I want to deserve your love—to deserve you. But if you can’t tell me, if I still haven’t proven myself, then it’s going to have to be you who walks away. Because I can’t—I won’t turn my back on you again.” I point toward the door, as if showing her the options. To stay or to leave.

I sink to the floor, head hung between my knees as I wait for her to make her decision.

Then she’s going, going—until she’s gone.

Until Aubrey Vaughn has left me for good.

CHAPTER 24

CHANGE

LIAM

DECEMBER