Page 33 of The Time of My Afterlife

After I hang up the phone, I catch sight of my little candle. The one that I lit to mark the anniversary of my miscarriage last year. Days after catching Ben cheating on me, I discovered I was pregnant. Ben didn’t want anything to do with the baby or me. He’d moved on with Margo. I decided to keep our child and, with Laura’s help, planned my new life as a single mother. At fifteen weeks, I had a miscarriage.

I reflect on the past year, which at times has felt so dark and painful, but I have somehow got through it. If it wasn’t for the woman counsellor I spoke to, I’m not sure where I would be. She had a whiteboard in her office, and I would always find myself staring at her colourful doodles and mind maps. Something she used to say to me echoes in my mind – ‘You need to find happiness again, Florence.’ At the time, the thought of being happy made my neck and shoulders stiffen. How could I be happy after something so terrible?

Mum’s voice lingers in my mind – ‘Are you happy, Florence?’

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I felt happy. Sometimes in the café, I do catch myself being snappy. Maybe Mum had a point?

My whiteboard reclaims my focus and reminds me of the failed second test. I hope Clark and I pass tomorrow evening but what if we don’t?

Mum’s voice follows – ‘You’ve been a little short for a while now. Are you happy?’

That could be our last conversation. My heart lurches.

If we fail and die tomorrow, Mum will be left with that memory and no explanation. My chest tightens.

No, that’s not happening. I shove the thought to the darkest depths of my mind.

Pushing myself off the sofa, I grab a cloth and scrub the board harder than I need to. No more planning and no more doubt.

Clark and I will pass. We must.

14

CLARK

‘Clark, I was just thinking about you,’ gushes Pearl after opening her front door. ‘Are you coming in for an early morning cuppa?’

‘A tea would be nice, Pearl.’

She smiles as I step into her hallway. ‘Are you not at work?’

I shake my head. I don’t want to tell her that I phoned in sick this morning after lying awake for many hours worrying about this afterlife test. Everything felt gloomy when I woke up. To add to my woes, my old coffee machine made me a foul-tasting latte, and my cat refused to come near me. ‘Annual leave.’

She smiles. ‘You have the day off, and you want to spend it with your batty old neighbour – are you okay?’

‘Yes, of course,’ I lie.

‘Have you come up with a plan on how we can make Mary’s book a bestseller?’

An uncomfortable feeling passes over me. I only got to the third chapter last night. Gritty crime thrillers are not my preferred genre, and the amount of blood and gore in sweet old Mary’s book was a shocker. After three chapters, I had to put it down because I felt nauseous. Guilt nibbles away at me. I should have ploughed on with the book and sat up all night reading it. Instead, I re-watched a football match in bed and fell asleep, and then my alarm went off.

Florence’s face comes to mind. She is a book reviewer in her spare time, and she must know what makes a bestseller. I could ask her to help with promoting Mary’s book.

Pearl’s face is consumed by a worried frown. ‘Clark, you look terribly pale. Are you okay?’

I need to reassure Pearl. ‘I’m fine and I have many irons in the fire with Mary’s book,’ I say, injecting confidence into my voice. I will mention it to Florence if we get another chance at the test.

‘I wanted to ask you another favour while you’re here,’ says Pearl, before we reach her kitchen. ‘All I do these days is ask you for favours.’

‘Pearl, you can ask me all day long.’

She beams at me. ‘You are lovely, Clark. You and Florence will make a great couple.’

Her words make me roar with laughter. ‘I love your humour.’

‘One day you will tell me I was right all along.’

Folding my arms, I make a mock-deadpan facial expression. ‘Pearl – do you want me to do you a favour or not?’