Page 113 of The Contract Marriage

Dr. Silverman’s main office isn’t too far from mine. The interior is all creamy yellow and sage green walls, not a sign of posters warning about dire health crises to come for women. The practice is concierge-based, and the membership isn’t cheap. The doctor believes in creating a soothing environment where every patient is able to take as much time as they need to address whatever medical issue they’re concerned with. I take a seat on the ivory couch. The air feels clean, sweetened by the scent from a pot of lavender near the receptionist’s desk.

I check the time. Ten minutes early. Will Liam arrive early or show up exactly at three to hear the baby’s heartbeat and leave?

Clammy sweat coats my palms. I start to run them down my dress, then catch myself.

“Olivia, this way,” a nurse says with a friendly smile. I glance at my watch again.

3:00 p.m.

My mouth dry, I look at the entrance, willing it to open and show him on the other side. But nothing happens. Come on, come on.

“Olivia?” the nurse says again, her tone full of curiosity and concern. “Is everything all right?”

No, everything is not all right. Liam isn’t coming. He doesn’t just not want me, he doesn’t want our baby either. The realization burns my eyes. Is this how he felt when he heard me say he was a pawn to be discarded? I manage a smile, then turn to her. “Yes. I’m fine.”

She nods and takes me to the examination room. It’s done in the same soothing shades as the waiting room. Dr. Silverman is a slim woman in her late fifties. She has let her bob go gray naturally, and there’s hardly any makeup on her. She radiates warmth and energy. Her green eyes crinkle as I step inside and close the door.

“Good afternoon, Olivia. How are you? Everything good?” she asks.

“Everything’s fine,” I say, taking a seat. “The baby is great, no major morning sickness anymore.” I got Liam’s ginger back. “And some saltines are helping.” Although they’re store-bought, not the special ones from my husband.

“You seem a bit listless.”

“Just a lot of stuff at work.” Which is true enough. I’m going to have trouble replacing Simon. But I don’t regret firing him. His actions not only disappointed me but made me question my own judgment. After all, I never thought he would be so manipulative and petty. But what’s even more alarming is that I never knew.

“Well, don’t let work stress get to you. Your baby needs all your attention.”

I nod. “Of course. I’m taking all my vitamins and minerals.”

She laughs. “Good. Let’s get started.”

I lie on the table, with a sheet draped over my legs and the dress over my belly. She does the transvaginal ultrasound to show me how the baby’s doing. The screen shows nothing but white lines and dots against black. It’s unbelievable that Dr. Silverman can find my baby among those dots, but she does. I stare at the tiny little life, as though I can see its facial features already.

“Do you think the baby will look like their father?” I ask.

“Hard to say. It’s too early, but we can certainly check the heartbeat.” She taps a few buttons on the machine.

The examination room fills with a rapid whoosh, whoosh sound. My hands clench, wishing Liam were here to hold me. He’d be awestruck at the tiny life, and joy would spread over his gorgeous face. He’d look at me like he couldn’t believe it.

But I have no one to blame but myself for pushing him away. And I realize how selfish I’ve been, telling myself that I didn’t need him. But what I’ve really done is take away the love the baby is entitled to from their father. No matter what I claim, I can never make up for it because I’m not capable of giving the kind of love that Liam can.

Tears leak from the corners of my eyes. My temples grow wet.

“Aww.” Dr. Silverman plucks several Kleenex tissues and hands them to me. “Here.”

“Thank you.” I dab at my eyes. “Pregnancy hormones. I’m…I’m just very emotional right now.”

She laughs. “Completely normal for new moms, especially when they’re hearing it for the first time. Miraculous, isn’t it?” Her eyes soften, and she glances at her computer monitor.

“Yes, it is.” My voice is thick with tears. Liam deserves to be here and share this moment. I robbed him of that too, with my cowardice.

When I’m back in the lobby, she texts me a video file. “This is a recording of the baby’s heartbeat today. If you have people you want to forward this to, please go ahead.”

“Thank you,” I say shakily, running my finger over the image of the tiny dot that represents my baby.

“You’re welcome.”

I head out, clutching my phone. Once I’m in my car, I type a quick message to Liam.