Page 22 of Make it a Double

If this was real, if I was pregnant, I’d likely have to do it alone.

Just then, the alarm on my phone went off. The three minutes were up. The test was ready. Pushing onto my knees, I reached for the stick on the counter. My hands were trembling as I brought it down to eye level.

Fuck.

There it was. Two pink lines. Confirmation and damnation all wrapped up in one.

Suddenly, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. No matter how hard I tried to suck in air, nothing came. My body fell forward as the first sob left my lips. Then I clutched the stick to my chest and gave myself permission to cry.

I woke to a sharp rap of knuckles against a rattling. “Baby? You in there?”

I blinked, looking around the too-bright room to gain my bearings. It definitely hadn’t been my intention to sleep in my bathroom, but I’d cried myself into a coma of sorts. No matter how hard I tried, my body wouldn’t move. It wouldn’t stand up from the floor or clean up my mess or walk me to my bed. I just had to sit there and exist until sleep claimed me.

Which couldn’t have been more than an hour or two, given how early my grandma usually made her rounds to check on me. She’d done it ever since I could remember. Sometimes I wondered if it was because her daughter decided to leave in the middle of the night with a scribbled apology. I’d never plucked up the courage to ask.

She was probably freaking out when she didn’t find me in bed.

“Sawyer?”

“Y-Yeah, sorry, Grams. Think I caught a stomach bug, or something. I haven’t moved since I got home last night.” It wasn’t a total lie.

“Do you need me to bring you something? I think I’ve got some ginger ale in the kitchen…”

The thought made me want to gag.

“No, that’s okay!” I said, quickly, hoping she’d take the hint and leave. “I think the coast is clear now. I’m just going to shower really quick and go lie down.”

It was silent for so long, I thought she’d shuffled by, but then I heard a pat on the door. “You let me know if you need me, baby. It’ll give me an excuse to go by Harold’s trailer. He’d be happy to run to the store for us.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. The two of them had formed what my grandma liked to call an “attachment.” It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out exactly what she meant when she said it, either. Her cheeks always turned a deep scarlet, and she wiggled her brows. “Ass-crack Harold? No, thank you,” I’d said the first time she mentioned him in passing.

Grams tutted. “You young people are so narrow-minded. I can overlook a little crack for some sugar if you catch my drift.”

“Goodnight, Grams!” I said, hiding my groan. Hopefully, I could get that image out of my head before I crossed paths with our neighbor.

“Sleep tight,” she called, shuffling back down the hall to her bedroom. I waited until I heard her door close, then blew out a sigh of relief. Thank god I had enough sense to lock the door last night. I couldn’t imagine her barging in to see a solo cup full of pee on the counter and me clutching a positive pregnancy test.

It likely would’ve given her a heart attack, and then I really would’ve had a reason to feel guilty.

I rolled my neck, stretching the rest of my body as I pushed to my feet. Other than sleeping in an actual bed, what I really needed was to clean up this mess and take a shower. I turned the dial and waited for steam that never came. Our water heater wasn’t the best, and it rarely got hot enough to be satisfying.

Thankfully, my trusty orange and peach shampoo hadn’t turned my stomach yet. I poured it into my hands and rubbed it through my hair, taking the time to treat myself to a scalp massage. Figured I deserved one after the past twelve hours. I repeated the process with my conditioner and moved on to the body wash.

I ran the soapy loofah over my body, pausing as I came to rest over my stomach. Kids were never in my plan. Not really. It wasn’t that I was adamantly opposed to the idea of having them, but I could blame my hesitation on the fact that my own mother decided to give me up instead of sticking around to raise me. She never even came back to check on me. Didn’t write on holidays or my birthday.

It was like I never existed, which, I supposed, was what she wanted all along.

My feelings toward my mom were complicated, but I was grateful she gave me up. My life with Grams might have been difficult, but not as much as it would’ve been living in the shadow of someone who blamed me for ruining their life by simply existing. Grams had been the mother I needed.

I had options. I knew I did. More options than my mom ever had. If I didn’t want to be a mom or wasn’t ready to be, then I didn’t have to. It was early enough that I could seek termination, or I could look at adoption. There were plenty of couples who wanted to have kids but couldn’t, so maybe I could help give them the family they always dreamed of.

I shook my head. First things first, I needed to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Preferably out of town, since I was sure the OBGYN here delivered me. I could ask Olivia for help finding someone. She was the closest thing I had to a friend and confidant. Besides, I was going to have to tell her sooner rather than later, since she’d been right about the whole pregnancy thing. The least I could do is apologize for shutting her down so quickly.

After a quick rinse, I hopped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my middle. The pregnancy test was still sitting on the counter, so I grabbed it and the bag of other tests on the floor. I couldn’t leave it in the trash in case Grams went snooping. She didn’t do it often, but being cooped up in the house day after day made her restless. Sometimes she’d decide to reorganize cabinets just for the hell of it.

By the time I made my way to my bedroom, it was nearly five in the morning. I changed into an oversized t-shirt and shorts before collapsing onto my bed. No matter how much I wanted to sleep, I knew it was a lost cause. There was too much on my mind.

Instead, I grabbed my phone and pulled up a browser. The cursor blinked as I stared at the screen. I wanted to put Beckett’s name in, but what was I going to type? Rich guys named Beckett? Give me a break. That’d probably bring up a bunch of weird results, none of which would give me what I was looking for.