Page 50 of Make it a Double

“Me telling you my reasons won’t make you feel any better,” I said, tone flat. “It won’t change anything that’s already happened.”

“Yeah, but how the hell am I supposed to be in our baby’s life if you are already keeping things from me? Trust is a two-way street, Sawyer. We can’t do this⁠—”

“I had it in my head that you’d try to take him away from me,” I blurted out. Beckett blinked slowly, letting my words land and sink in. I used that moment to keep going. If I stopped now, I wouldn’t be able to explain my reasoning. “After I found out about the pregnancy, I looked you up. I saw the kind of life you lead, the things you have…” I shook my head. “I don’t have the same things you do, Beckett. My grandma and I live in the same trailer in the same trailer park that she’s lived in her entire life. It’s run down and smells like old cigarette smoke, even though she hasn’t smoked in years. I work way more hours than I should at Frank’s to make ends meet and save what I can for when I need to take time off after giving birth. I even considered getting a second job while I was pregnant because I was so goddamn terrified of not being able to give this baby what they deserve.” I hadn’t realized I was crying until I felt a tear drop onto my hand. “Your fancy lawyers would take one look at me, decide I was unfit, and take my entire world away.”

“Do you honestly think I would do that?” he asked, voice breaking. His hand came up, resting over his heart. “You know me, Sawyer.”

“But I don’t. I know nothing about you other than that you can sweet-talk your way into a date and are really good in bed. While those things are great, they don’t speak to your character.” I shifted my body, protectively cradling my bump. Beckett clocked the move. My fight-or-flight response was kicking in tenfold. Our conversation was delving into dangerous territory, and one of us was going to get hurt. But it was too late. The damage was already done. "It's not like this pregnancy came with a handbook for what to do when you get knocked up by your one night stand, Beckett. There's no good way to handle this. I did what I thought was best, and it was easier that way."

At least that was what I told myself, anyway, but the crestfallen look on Beckett's face told a different story. It had me second guessing every decision I made leading up to our dinner. How many nights had I spent alone in my bed, crying because I wasn't sure I could do this?

Beckett chewed on his bottom lip. “If you told me, I could’ve helped, you know. A new place to live, the best doctors, whatever you needed. I would’ve made it happen, and I hate that you felt the need to hide all of this from me.”

“I don’t need you to swoop in like a white knight, Beckett. I’ve made things work just fine without you.”

The words were out before I could stop them. Instant regret slammed into me like a truck, especially as Beckett’s shoulders drooped and he looked anywhere but at me.

“Beckett, I’m sorry,” I sighed, rubbing my temple. “I didn’t⁠—”

“Don’t lie now, Sawyer,” he said, shaking his head. “You did mean it.”

I swallowed thickly, suppressing the need to apologize for the truth as I saw it. After all, he was right. It was the same argument I used with Liv, because she’d offered me all the same things Beckett had. But I didn’t want to get used to something only to have it ripped away from me at a moment’s notice.

“I’m not good at asking for help,” I confessed. “I don’t want to become reliant on something and have it vanish.” Beckett stayed silent, tongue pressed against his cheek, a muscle fluttering in his jaw. “Realistically, what would happen? You don’t live here, and I don’t have plans to move. I can’t, actually. So, what would you do? Put us up in a house and send us money every month? Pop in for a visit every once in a while? Eventually, that generosity would run out. You’ll meet a nice girl, get married, and want to start a family. She probably wouldn’t feel great knowing you’ve got a kid out there with some girl from the trailer park.”

That muscle in his jaw ticked. “You’ve got it all figured out, huh?”

“I’ve had months to play out every scenario in my head, Beckett. And you don’t choose this baby or me in any of them. Why would you? You don’t know us. It’d be easier for you to walk away and forget we exist.”

Beckett stood abruptly, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his shirt. His mouth opened and closed several times before it finally snapped shut, the muscle in his jaw working overtime. He still refused to look at me, and I understood why. I wouldn’t have wanted to look myself in the mirror either. My truth was just that: mine. Was it fair to impart it to the seemingly sweet man in front of me? No, but he asked.

It was just one more thing I could hate myself for later.

“You can take the bed, if you want. I’ll sleep down here,” he finally muttered softly, running his hand along the back of his neck. “We can talk about this more in the morning.”

Using the armrest, I stood and folded the blanket before draping it over the back of the sofa. The last thing I wanted was to stay where I wasn’t wanted, and this was exactly that. “Don’t worry. I’ll call Liv to pick me up,” I said, reaching for my phone. My fingers hovered over the call button, waiting for him to stop me, but he didn’t.

He nodded once before quickly making his way out of the living room. I waited until his footfalls receded and I knew he was gone before I called Liv. She answered on the first ring, telling me she would throw on shoes and be there as soon as she could.

Beckett never reemerged. Not even as I called out his name and told him I was leaving. Liv greeted me with a sad, knowing smile as I stepped into her car. Neither of us spoke as she drove, which I was grateful for. I’d done enough talking to last me a lifetime.

I was proud of myself for holding it together. It would’ve been too easy to let Beckett sweep me up in some fantasy where we could live as one big happy family, but I couldn’t go there. I refused. It was going to be hard enough when he realized a bartender with a baby wasn’t what he wanted for his life. He’d leave Pinecrest, and me, behind when his work was done.

Grams was asleep by the time Liv dropped me off. I trudged into the house with heavy limbs, refusing to meet my own gaze as I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. It wasn’t until I slipped between the sheets in complete darkness that I let out a muffled, gut-wrenching sob that felt a lot like the biggest mistake of my life.

BECKETT

Date: Tuesday, March 2nd

To-Do:

- Re-stock liquor cabinet

- Call Tatum (she’ll know what to do)

It’d been days since I watched Sawyer walk out of my cabin. Days of self-isolating with my favorite bourbon while throwing the world’s saddest pity party. Every time my phone vibrated, I jumped to look at the screen. And every time, I pushed decline when it wasn’t the name I longed to see. It wasn’t until my sister threatened to call in a welfare check that I’d picked up the next time she rang. Even if I hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone, Tatum was the only person I could turn to. She might make a few jokes at my expense, but she was also my best friend. If I couldn’t talk to her, who could I?

One look at my face had been all she needed to know something was wrong.