Page 59 of Make it a Double

“Do it for the bucket list, if nothing,” I said, falling into step beside him. “We did include it, remember?”

“I do,” he murmured. “We should probably write this stuff down eventually. Wouldn’t want to forget it.”

It was silent between us, save for the distant hum of Charlie and Harper’s animated dissection of every goal she’d scored. Not uncomfortable, per se, but definitely not what I was used to. Beckett kept his hands in his pockets, walking in perfect time alongside me. His subdued attitude had me on the verge of panicking. Maybe he realized this was more than he bargained for, or that he didn’t even want to be a father. Maybe my leaving the other night was too much for him to get over, and now he wanted nothing to do with me. I wasn’t sure I blamed him either way.

“Do you need a ride?” Beckett finally asked, breaking the silence. He reached into his pocket, pulling out his keys to remotely start the vehicle. “I didn’t see your car earlier.”

“Oh, um… Duke and Olivia picked me up, so yes. That’d be great.”

Lucy’s Diner wasn’t far, but it wasn’t walking distance either. Especially not in this weather. The early February air was brisk and cutting, leaving me more than a little chilled to the bone despite my oversized hoodie.

Accepting a ride meant I didn’t have to tell him that my Gram’s car broke down. Again. Or that the mechanic told us whatever he could do would just be a temporary fix. Again. The car was so old, it was a miracle the thing had lasted as long as it had. But now I was faced with yet another problem I had no idea how to solve.

Duke and Liv had offered me a loan for a new car, but I couldn’t accept. After everything they’d already done for me, that felt like crossing a line. Saying yes felt like I was taking advantage of their generosity. It was a lot different than saying yes to a few new pairs of pants or hand-me-down baby items.

Unlike before, there was no hand on the small of my back or brush of his fingers against mine. We walked with a foot of space between us all the way to his car. At least he opened the door for me. But instead of leaving me swooning like it had before, I was left feeling a little dejected.

How had we gone from flirty and fun to this unexplained distance in a matter of hours? And how could I get back there?

Beckett walked around and got in on the driver’s side. I slid inside, feeling the warm leather through the fabric of my leggings. The seat warmers must’ve turned on when he started the car. He placed his hand on the headrest, turning to look out the back window as he carefully maneuvered the vehicle out of the spot. Duke and Olivia waited just ahead so that he could follow them.

My fingers drummed against my thighs as we drove in silence. The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Beckett kept his eyes glued to the road, his hands on ten and two.

“Okay, something’s wrong,” I said, turning to face him. It wasn’t a comfortable angle given my growing belly, but I didn’t care. “You’ve been acting weird since the game started.”

He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. “What? No I haven’t.”

“You haven’t tried to hit on me once,” I said, crossing my arms tightly over my chest.

“I told you I wouldn’t.”

“When has that ever stopped you before?” I asked. “You just can’t seem to help yourself.”

Beckett shrugged. “I’m trying to be on my best behavior.”

Best behavior? The Beckett I knew didn’t give a shit about behaving. He constantly pushed my buttons, irritating me until I finally broke down and let him in.

He sighed, running a hand along the back of his neck. “I don’t know, Sawyer. I just have a lot on my mind. I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

I was being unreasonable, I knew this. He had every right to his privacy, but I couldn’t let it go. My anxiety wouldn’t let me. “Tough shit. You’ve wanted to talk about all kinds of things, so you’re not getting out of it now.” My tone was a little harsher than intended, but the rapidly rising panic was already too high to be polite. “I’m sorry if a soccer game wasn’t what you had in mind, but⁠—”

“It wasn’t that. I had a good time,” he said, earnestly. “I was honored you chose to share that with me. You didn’t have to invite me.”

“Okay, so… What’s wrong?”

Looking dejected, he sighed. “It wasn’t even something you said or did. It was me. My own thoughts. I just…” He shook his head. “I don’t know. I realized that no matter what happens, you’ll always want to stay in Pinecrest, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I want to be a prominent part of our son’s life, I have to leave everything I know to make that happen. Then it kind of hit me that was one of the reasons you kept it from me. Because you thought I’d take him away because I could.” He blew out a sharp breath. “Honestly? It kind of fucked with my head.”

“Oh.” The single word wasn’t enough, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. His feelings were understandable, and he was right. Knowing where and how he lived was one of the many reasons I’d decided not to reach out. Since he waltzed back into my life, I hadn’t given much thought to what we would do once the baby came.

“Yeah. Oh.” His laugh was humorless, but not cruel. “I didn’t have the best childhood growing up. My dad is a horrible prick, and he made sure I learned that from an early age. When I found out that we were having a baby—” he swallowed thickly “—that we were having a boy… I don’t know. I feel like this is my chance to right the wrongs of my past. I’m terrified, of course, but also strangely excited to be a dad.” He was quiet for a moment before continuing. “I just thought I’d have more time to get my life in order. I had plans, Sawyer, so many plans to build something that could rival my father’s empire. And I’d do so while relaxing on the beach or sipping bourbon on the Upper East Side, not fighting for cell reception in a small Tennessee town.”

I appreciated his honesty more than he could ever know. It was rare to find these days. But honesty was sometimes a double edged sword. And this honesty cut too deep.

His job, his life, his family—however shitty they may have been—were all in New York. I couldn’t ask or expect him to drop everything and move to a tiny dot on the map no one had ever heard of just because we were having a baby together. But he also couldn’t ask me to do the same. In some ways, I had just as much at stake as he did. The bar, Duke and Liv, my grandmother. All of them were dependent on me. I couldn’t just leave.

Settling back into my seat, I glanced down at my hands. They trembled slightly as I fought back my rising panic. My body grew warm in the car’s rising heat, and I struggled to breathe. Was he going to try to fight me for custody so he could live out his dream of being a father? Would I have no choice but to leave everything and everyone I loved just to be a part of my child’s life? It was selfish, considering he was probably wondering the same thing I was, but this was different. He’d just found out about my pregnancy. This was new for him.

Meanwhile, I’d carried this baby for six months. My body had nurtured his own. I’d seen his face on sonograms and felt him kick at all hours of the night just because he could. I’d talked to my stomach, listened to classical music I didn’t like just because the blogs said it was good enrichment. My bedroom was stacked with baby clothes, furniture, and more diapers than made sense.