Page 64 of Make it a Double

She glanced down at her shoes. “Not to do it.”

“Correct. Now, go get in the car,” he said, ushering her toward their vehicle. “Beckett, I’ll be in touch.”

Sawyer and I watched him wrangle both girls into the backseat, smiling quietly to himself as they chatted amongst themselves. It was so simple. Like the purest form of happiness to ever exist. Duke clearly loved being a father, not only to Harper but to Charlie as well. No one had ever made fatherhood look easy, but he came damn close.

I could see the past I should have had and the future still possible right before my eyes. My childhood wasn’t ever filled with that kind of love and laughter. Neither of my parents was particularly interested in raising a kid. It was like they only had me, so they didn’t have to be alone with one another. Nannies mostly carted me around, taking me to school and any activities that I had afterward. The only time I spent with my mom and dad in the same room was at work parties and the occasional holiday dinner.

Looking back on those memories with nothing short of contempt helped me realize what I wanted from my life. To be a good man. A good partner, husband, and friend. Now, I had the chance.

I held out my hand for Sawyer, who hesitantly took it. She waved goodbye to Olivia and Duke before climbing into my SUV and buckling in. “Where am I taking you?” I asked, starting the car

For a moment, she didn’t speak. She just stared in a way that made me feel like I was flayed open. My fingers twitched with the urge to shift her focus elsewhere, but I didn't dare burst the fragile bubble encasing us. Instead, I channeled every ounce of steadfast composure I could muster. Sawyer had no reason to trust me. I was well aware of that. So, if that was what she needed in order to see I had no intention of running, so be it. I’d let her look all she wanted.

“You’ve been so honest with me today, and I feel like I need to return the favor,” she said, gaze dropping to her lap.

“What do you mean?” The last thing I wanted was for her to feel pressured to do or say something before she was ready. I was wholly aware that this whole position we’d found ourselves in was a lot to come to terms with for both of us. There were so many working parts to this machine, some of which were out of our control. “You don’t owe me anything, Sawyer. You know that right?”

“Believe me, I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t want to,” she said, wringing her hands in front of her.

I nodded, settling back in my seat and waiting patiently for her to tell me where to go.

“Home,” she said, finally. “There’s someone I want you to meet.”

SAWYER

Pulling into the trailer park in Beckett’s BMW was certainly something I never thought I’d experience. The people loitering on their lawns stopped and stared as we drove through. The moment we stopped at my house, I knew the rumors would circulate. Was it too late to turn around? Why had I let Liv convince me that this was a good idea?

Deep down, I knew why. Part of me wanted to see if he would run when he saw how I lived. I wasn’t ashamed of the way I grew up. Grams did everything she could to ensure we had a roof over our head, food in our bellies, and clothes on our backs. How could I ever fault her for that? But I needed to see if the reality of how different we were would send him running for the hills.

It was time to lay all my cards on the table. Let him see all the imperfect, broken bits of me so that he understood exactly who I was and not who I hid behind.

Beckett looked around as we drove to the back of the park as I directed him. I kept my lips firmly clasped together, trying so hard to keep myself from asking what he thought. It wasn’t until he cut the engine that I trusted myself to utter a simple, “This is me.”

“Where’s your car?” he asked, staring at the empty spot on the worn dirt path where the Toyota Camry usually sat.

“Oh, it’s in the shop,” I admitted. There was no point in lying to him. Not when I was about to show him everything. “That’s why I was with Duke and Liv today.”

“When will it be fixed?” His eyes remained locked on that spot, as though he could will it into existence by thinking about it hard enough.

“Whenever the mechanic tells me it’s done.”

“How are you going to get to work then?”

I shrugged. “Duke or Liv will pick me up.”

Beckett and I got out of the vehicle, each step toward the trailer feeling heavier than the last. We paused in front of the battered screen door, and I tried to envision it from his eyes. The faded blue siding looked worse for wear after sitting beneath the Tennessee sun for over thirty years. Parts of the underskirt had been destroyed by our neighbor’s dog, which chased a rabbit under our home and got stuck. The wooden porch was missing a section of railing from when I was hurrying out the door, and slipped on a patch of ice.

Each bit of ugly held a story. A memory near and dear to my heart in some way or another, but Beckett didn’t know that. He couldn’t possibly.

As he slid his hand along my lower back, I decided to look at him. He surveyed the yard like it was his job. I waited on bated breath for him to look at me like I was dirt beneath his shoe, but it never came. As he turned to face me, a gentle smile on his lips, all that worry vanished into thin air. I felt like an asshole for thinking the worst of him when he’d only shown me the best.

Before I lost my nerve, I grabbed his hand and tugged him forward. “Come on. Let’s go inside.” His skin was warm against my own, a relief against the chilly winter air biting at my fingers.

We slowly moved up to the porch, careful to avoid the hole in the second step. Harold had stepped clean through a few weeks ago. I just added it to the never ending list of things to ask Duke to take care of.

The moment we opened the door, we were greeted by angry shouting and the unmistakable sound of The Price is Right blaring in the background. Grams was sitting in her recliner with a bowl of popcorn, throwing pieces at the television as she berated the contestants. She wore a bright pink shirt that said, “I may be a handful, but so are my tits” written across the center, and zebra-striped pajama pants.

What was I thinking by bringing Beckett here? This was a colossal mistake. He was going to think I came from a long line of eccentrics, when in reality… Grams was an anomaly. There was no one else like her.