Page 81 of Liquids

He nods like he gets it. “Same reason I’m here. Family.” He cups my face. “You’re not leaving him behind though, babe; he’s dead. I know that sounds brutal, but …”

A spike goes through my heart. He’s still blunt with a twist.

He shakes his head. “Let’s take him with us.”

What the fuck? “He’s buried, Rig.”

“So what? Dig him up, get a decent resting place for him wherever we settle. We could find a cute coconut tree on a beach. Even better, don’t bury him, and we’ll take him with us everywhere.”

What? That’s crazy. “Do people do that?”

“Don’t fucking know. Don’t fucking care. We can look into it, but no one’s gonna stop me. I’ll dig him up myself if I wanna do it.”

I giggle at the idea of him digging up the graveyard. And he’s not wrong: Nothing is really keeping me here. Marni’s more or less moved to Chicago. Sad though it is, the old ladies will only be around for a certain amount of time, and I know what they’d say if I told them Rig was leaving and I wasn’t going with him. A sharp stab runs through my chest at the very thought.

He shifts back into his seat and stares out of the window, drumming his hand on the wheel. “You wanna stay?”

“Fuck no.”

He laughs. “Make your mind up, babe.”

“That’s always been my problem. That’s why I’m stuck. It’s so much easier in life to do nothing. Just accept the hand you’ve been dealt. I’ve never known what to do about Charlie. Every time I think about him, I’m all mixed up inside. Like I had him for far too short a time; like he was mine, but he wasn’t. I can’t stop thinking about what he’d be like now.”

“How old would he be?”

“Ten.”

“Not an easy thing to get over.” He twists in his seat and hooks me around the back of my neck, bringing his face close again. “You want to bring kids up in that town?”

“Kids?” I squeak.

“You want more of ’em?”

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I want them. That’s it, that’s it. All this time, I didn’t know where I was headed, but I want that weight on my chest like nothing else. I want. I want. I bend forward with the pain. My heart is about to seize up. Forgive me, Charlie.

It’s okay, Mom. It was always okay.

“I don’t know if I can, Rig. I don’t know if my body is still all right …”

“Well, let’s find out.” His huge hand squeezes my neck.

The ghost of his tiny body … They put him on me and he became part of me … To feel that again … I blow out a long breath. I never thought it would happen. That I’d ever find someone who …

“You want kids?” I say.

“Fair warning, it’ll be a goddamn nightmare. I’m teaching them all to fight.” He laughs. “Always thought I’d have them if I found the right woman.” He winks at me as his face straightens. “We’ll find a way: adoption, surrogates, whatever we need to do.”

I look at him in wonder. “What did I do to deserve you?”

He grins. “I think the same thing all the time.” But his face becomes serious as his eyes roam over my face. “I really fucking like you, Carl. I more than fucking like you.”

I stare at him. He growls at me. “You’re gonna make me say it?”

“Say what?”

He looks out of the window at the lights of the motel. Then his hand tightens on my neck again, pulling me toward him so that his forehead meets mine.

“That I love you, babe.”