Page 69 of Love Lessons

That’s right. Dustin. Looking entirely too sexy and caring and awake for whatever the fuck time it was.

That helped him put the pieces together, though. They’d had a fucking epic scene last night, no, two scenes, and now he was experiencing subdrop.

It was just too damn bad that knowing about it couldn’t do anything to stop it. He hadn’t felt it in a long time, not like he used to the first couple years he got involved in BDSM.

But when he got it, he always handled it on his own. He went for a walk. Did some baking. Watched rom coms or maybe went to visit his sister and nieces. Took a run and waited for it to be over.

He wasn’t used to experiencing it with a Dom there. For some reason, everyone always seemed to think it would hit right after a scene, when they applied aftercare. But if he was going to get it, it was always the next day.

Fuck. He was going to be all weepy today and this was the worst possible time.

Dustin was still standing over him, looking concerned and sweet. Like a Daddy would. He realized he could even smell… something bread-y. Bagels maybe. Because Dustin/Daddy was taking care of him.

He hadn’t even had time to process what happened last night. Recognizing himself as a middle had shaken him like an earthquake. The tremors disrupted everything around him, destroying and bringing new layers to the surface, even though the source was buried deep below.

And the sensory deprivation after that had been transcendent. It was like Dustin had been touching his soul, and he’d never expected it to feel like that.

It was all too much to take right now. He buried his head in his pillow.

Dustin stroked his cheek again, his touch almost painful in its softness.

Landon needed space. He had no idea what was going on or who he was, and having Dustin here right now just felt overwhelming. He couldn’t take those gentle caresses, or he’d end up crying all day and spilling out all sorts of emotions that he didn’t want to share.

He knew that he should probably say something about what was going on. He definitely should have mentioned it before. But it had been so long since he’d gone through subdrop, and he couldn’t really bear to explain it all now.

Maybe he could just ask Dustin to leave and then stay in bed all day. Then, they could talk when he’d figured himself out a bit more and wasn’t feeling so moody.

He finally focused on Dustin, who looked concerned. I tried to wake you up earlier, but you wouldn’t let me wake you up. It’s almost time for the munch, though, and I didn’t think you’d want to miss it.

Dammit. Landon had forgotten about the munch. He could skip it, but then Dustin would wonder why and want to stay with him. He fought through the weight of the sadness that was cloaking him. It helped to know that it was just a temporary and artificial drop in endorphins and dopamine and all that, but not much.

Landon forced a smile onto his face. If he couldn’t face things, the only way out was through. Nothing to see here, folks. Just a happy, shiny human going about his day. Thank you. There. That was functional.

Dustin was still hovering over him, and God, did Landon want to fall into his arms. He wanted to hide there and cry and let Dustin stroke his hair all day. He wanted to let Dustin feed him whatever it was that smelled so good.

And he knew that Dustin would do it, too. He probably wouldn’t even have to ask for it.

It felt too vulnerable, though. Last night was play. The morning was different. He always handled subdrop on his own, and especially after yesterday he needed space. I’m going to take a shower now.

He got up quickly, ignoring his nakedness. Dustin had seen it already, and he didn’t have the energy to care. He was feeling exposed in a way that clothing wouldn’t fix, anyway.

Dustin laid a hand on his shoulder, pulling him back. Hey, are you OK?

Yeah. Fine. Just need to take a shower and get to the munch.

Dustin squinted his eyes, looking him over. Landon tried to project the calm confidence that he usually felt.

You’re Landon now, right?

Landon couldn’t respond. The way that Dustin could see that was… fuck.

He didn’t even know how he looked or acted that differently when he was Landon or Lena, just what it felt like inside. Gender always felt like such a performance to him, but the core of who he was on any given day was just something that he felt.

He was fucking stunned that Dustin could see it. Especially since he wasn’t wearing a damn stitch of clothing.

But he didn’t want to give that away, so he just shrugged. Probably.

That was going to be confusing later, but he couldn’t handle it now. He knew that some people swam through gradients and combinations of genders or none at all, but he was always all male or all female. Nothing in between.