Page 44 of Dear Daddy, Please Want Me

He swiped up the fluid. Sent the picture, which was easier this time with the message app already open.

Daddy replied back right away. Gorgeous, baby. So good for me. I’ll be thinking about you following my instructions all day.

Another wave of desperation and desire flooded through him. He put his fingers in his mouth, sucking harder, as though by sheer will Daddy would feel his need and know how good he was sucking him.

Another drop. Another picture.

He took a note of the time. He just had to do this until… 11:35.

It was going to be a long, impossible morning.

And he was the luckiest boy in the world.

11

Saul

Saul found a parking space a few blocks from the club. How had he ever let himself get talked into dancing? Well, it had obviously been the delight in his boy’s voice that made him lose his head and promise anything.

He hated dancing. He couldn’t even remember the last time he had moved his body to music.

No, that wasn’t quite true. He actually enjoyed Simchat Torah, though even that had been years ago. Everyone’s energy raised each other up, swooping through the synagogue as they took turns carrying the heavy Torah scrolls while dancing an endless grapevine step. It was easy to get caught up in the ecstasy of the moment, when children and elders and everyone in between all joined hands and danced the same steps. No one was too fat or old or unattractive to rejoice in the Torah. That joy and the old melodies made everyone beautiful.

He should really go back to Simchat Torah again. For the first time, he wondered where Levi went to shul and if he’d like to go with him. He hadn’t been to anything except High Holiday services in almost a decade. Would Levi’s shul accept their relationship? Would there be other gay guys there? Other trans guys? Or would Levi mind if he didn’t go? He really didn’t think of himself as religious.

Ugh. Add that to the list of things to worry about later.

Right now, he was worried enough about dancing. Every club he’d ever been to had felt just like middle school all over again, but with more booze. He was still the odd one out, the one who couldn’t dance and clung awkwardly to the walls.

And tonight, it would be double the stress. He’d unwisely let Levi pick the venue, because he didn’t have a clue. The name seemed harmless enough, Swish, but he should have known by that single syllable that it was going to be full of young and trendy gay men. The online reviews said it all.

It was probably going to be noisy and sweaty. Probably full of lithe, shirtless men in tiny shorts and leather daddies with hairy chests.

And Saul would be the short one, the one who kept his shirt buttoned up all the way over the t-shirt that hid his binder. Being overheated and hardly able to breathe was just something he’d gotten used to.

He’d thought his charcoal shirt and black slacks had looked sharp when he picked them out earlier, but now he wasn’t so sure. He was even wearing a tie, a thin maroon one that caught the light. It would probably look stupid in the casual atmosphere. But he felt better when he was wearing it.

It was such a visible symbol of masculinity, a magical talisman that made people’s eyes slide over him without giving him a second or third glance.

He wanted to look good for Levi. But he also didn’t want to deal with any shit tonight.

He had to focus on Levi. That was why he was here.

If a night of uncomfortable dancing would make his boy smile, he wanted to give it to him.

Hopefully Levi would like his overdressed look and maybe even find it sexy. It wasn’t too different from what he usually wore. Or what he’d been wearing this morning during that sinful phone call when Levi had watched him with such desire and longing.

Saul hadn’t been able to watch those pictures come in while he drove to his meeting, but he’d poured over them later. There wasn’t anything too overtly sexual about them, just two outstretched fingers. A broad palm and the other two fingers gently curled. The backgrounds were blurry and forgettable.

What made them erotic was that they’d kept coming every two or three minutes for an hour, testimony to Levi’s willing torment.

A few minutes before the time was up, he’d stepped out on his friend and called Levi to praise and calm him and tell him what a marvelous, tantalizing boy he was.

Over that hour, Levi had somehow gone from desperate to floaty, his voice slurred and soft. He’d babbled quietly into the phone, happiness and dirty desires strung together like pearls with the word Daddy shimmering in every sentence.

Saul had told him to find a blanket and take a nap, then waited for him to settle in. On a yawn, Levi told him, “I knew you’d be the perfect Daddy.”

Saul had been torn between feeling prouder than he’d ever been and regretting that he couldn’t be there to watch his boy sleep.