Page 7 of Dear Daddy, Please Want Me

The more he thought about it, the more catastrophes he could imagine. Adding a D/s dynamic to a boss/employee relationship sounded sexy for a role play, but in reality it could be all too easy for him to take advantage without realizing that he was. Well, obviously, he’d keep the two strictly separate, and he got the sense that Levi was responsible and mature enough to do the same. But there was always the potential for it.

Which meant that he was off-limits.

Strictly off limits.

And if they did get together, what would ever happen if they broke up? It had disaster written all over it. He liked to think of his small company as something like friends and chosen family. They were all pretty relaxed with each other. As far as he could tell, most people liked coming to work and appreciated the opportunity to be themselves. So if there were a big office break-up and people started to take sides… Ugh. It had happened at his previous company and both employees had eventually quit, leaving chaos and frustration behind them. Of course, they’d been particularly immature about it and HR hadn’t caught up with it until long after the damage was done. But still.

Looking back, people might even question the hiring decision. Because while nothing had happened between them in the year since Levi had joined the company, Saul couldn’t deny the attraction that had raced through him every time he caught a glimpse of the man.

He’d assumed that it would go away in time. That Levi would be a perfectly competent employee, but lose his appeal once they got to know each other. Everyone had annoying habits and idiosyncrasies that got more frustrating over time. Or maybe the shine would simply wear off as Levi became an everyday fixture in the company.

Instead, the opposite had happened.

He just couldn’t deny how his heart raced every time Levi strolled into his office with a report or a question. The way that his skin tingled when Levi smiled at something he’d said during a meeting. Sometimes it was an eager smile. Sometimes Levi just looked… dreamy.

It was something that he’d learned to live with.

Also, if Saul was being strictly honest with himself, he wasn’t sure if Levi was interested. He laughed and joked with everyone, which meant that Saul wasn’t the only recipient of those flirty eyes.

There were some people who just sparkled, lighting up everyone around them. With someone like Levi, who was so completely in tune with whoever he was speaking with and genuinely excited about making a connection, he knew it would be all too easy to interpret it as something more.

Levi leveraged that skill as a project manager, too. He was competent and capable on the job, managing with a light hand while keeping everyone organized and motivated. His trust in his team showed in their efforts and high praise of his leadership.

Yet in hallway chatter or before meetings started, there was this silly side to him that poked up like a naughty boy. He’d say something funny and then look around with this little smile that said, see how cute I am? And Saul definitely did.

Sometimes he’d even turn that I’m-so-cute face on Saul and it looked like what he was really saying was don’t you want to take me home?

Saul wanted to. Every time.

But if Saul were being honest with himself, the person who got that I’m-so-cute face the most was the other dev team project manager, Christy. And he knew there wasn’t any attraction between them.

So he wouldn’t be at all surprised if his burning crush was completely one-sided.

Add to that all of Saul’s issues with his body and identity and there was no point in even considering it. Saul had put off transitioning for so long, convincing himself that he wasn’t sure or that he didn’t need it. Now he was thirty-five, and going through puberty again, with all the zits and hormones and apparent self-absorption that it entailed.

Some days Saul was excited to shave the handful of hairs on his chin and see himself looking back in the mirror. With each month on testosterone, he could almost see his jaw becoming wider and his nose becoming slimmer. Going to the gym was like a dream because he could practically watch the muscles emerge from his previously flabby arms. And damn did he have a lot of energy to burn off.

There were some days, though, when he would see his reflection in a darkened store window and think, who the fuck is that? His hips were too wide, his chin was too round, and his ass was too big. People still said, “sir… I mean ma’am… I mean…” and ruined his fucking day.

Sometimes it felt like he was dressing up like a man instead of just being one.

And Levi? He was “gay all the way.” Those were his exact words, thrown out casually in some forgotten conversation.

He probably liked men who looked like men.

Even ten months on T had shown Saul how visual attraction was for men. Before porn had been mildly interesting, mostly if it had novel kinks. Now Saul could catch sight of a muscular chest or a round ass and be instantly hard.

So he could understand someone not being attracted to his body. He didn’t even want to be in it half the time. Maybe in another year or two or three, after the testosterone had time to work its magic and he’d made some decisions about which surgeries he’d wanted to get.

For right now, he wasn’t sure he was ready for anything intimate. Sometimes just the idea of it made him freeze up.

If some hypothetical partner looked at him and laughed? Well, that was probably an exaggeration, though he heard that mocking laughter in his head sometimes. But even a respectful preference not to see or do anything with his body would slay him right now.

He already had enough of his own insecurities.

So it was really much safer not to think about anything that might potentially lead to taking off his clothes.

Especially not with a tall and lanky employee with luminous eyes and a naughty grin who could probably pick up any guy without a second thought.