Page 20 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

Chapter 4

Dustin

Dustin pulled into a parking spot just past the trim little apartment building where Landon lived. He could feel his hands shaking and willed himself to stop. After telling Zhong everything and hashing through it a dozen times, he’d mostly been alright during the afternoon. He’d distracted himself by baking, which was always his favorite way to relax, and getting some work done.

Now he was freaking out.

He liked being in control of his life. He liked knowing what was going to happen next, and how it was going to happen.

Landon was a complete unknown. A yawning abyss of possibilities, simultaneously alluring and terrifying.

Dustin sat in his car for a moment, trying to wrestle the tornado of information from all of the blogs and articles that Landon had sent him into some sort of order. He knew that Landon would be teaching him, but what if he got in over his head?

God, he hoped Landon was prepared for dealing with all of his confusion. Having a teacher, who was a confident Dom as well as a sub, wasn’t nearly as comforting as it should have been. He felt a little bit like he would be tested at the end.

Instead of looking forward to a spontaneous evening of discovering things together, he felt the same anxiety churning in his gut that he always got before a big exam.

What if Landon wanted him to tie him up? How would he know if the ropes were too tight? Could he remember how to make the knots that would release quickly? Or maybe there would be scissors. Landon would remember scissors, right?

That made him worry about Landon wanting something that he hadn’t read about. Like… he couldn’t think of anything. Peeing on him? People really did that. And were there safe and unsafe ways to do that?

Or what if Landon wanted to be hit? He mentally reviewed the maps that he’d seen online, showing the safe zones on someone’s body. Yes, he could picture them. Though it probably felt different with a real person.

But what if he did it too hard? What if he hit Landon too hard, and he used his safewords, but Dustin didn’t understand him because of his stupid brain, and then he actually hurt him?

That was his deepest fear.

He still wasn’t quite sure that all of this was real. That Landon could actually want something like that. Or that Dustin would be able to do it to him once he found out what he wanted.

He worried even more that it was all real, and that after he got a little taste of it, he’d never be able to go back to vanilla relationships again. Which he would have to if he was a crappy Dom.

He wondered if Landon would laugh at him if he saw him like this, shaking in his shoes in fear of hitting someone. It sounded bizarre when he said it that way. He could understand someone being afraid of being hit. But being afraid of hitting someone else?

His phone chimed with a text.

Landon: I forgot to tell you my apartment number LOL. It’s 4C.

Well, it looked like this was it. He reminded himself that he wanted to explore this, and that he had to start somewhere. He could only hope that he didn’t fuck it up.

Dustin: Thanks. Parking now.

Dustin looked at the muffins on the seat next to him. Should he bring them up? Was that weird? He liked baking for people he cared about, and he’d been thinking a lot about Landon while he made them. But would that be too forward? Or awkward? Was this a lesson or a date? It seemed more like a lesson.

With a sigh, Dustin picked up the plate. He should have put them in a paper bag so that he could leave them by the door and just not mention them if it seemed weird. He liked the idea of Landon eating them, though.

Dustin finally picked them up and headed into the building.

Until Landon told him differently, he would think of this as a lesson. Maybe even just talking. So that he could figure out what he liked and how to do it and then do better the next time.

Of course, Landon was so vibrant and outgoing and sexy that he’d never settle for someone like Dustin. Dustin was lucky to get a little bit of time with him now.

Dustin fidgeted with his pockets outside Landon’s door. It felt like he was in some movie, about to open a door to the unknown. Heaven. Hell. The Lady or the Tiger. The Twilight Zone. Once he entered, he’d be cast into some other dimension where all of the rules were different, and he’d become another person.

He drew in a deep breath and gave three sharp knocks even though there was a good chance Landon couldn’t hear them.

While he waited, he kept planning. He would follow Landon’s lead. Maybe sit and have something to drink. Or look around his apartment and discuss Landon’s books or DVDs or art. Surely, they would have something in common.

He didn’t want things to be awkward, so he went through conversations in his head. He could ask about organizing the munches. He could ask about Landon’s students, or the new unit he’d been planning the last time they met. Maybe the thing with Landon’s job, since that had sounded like something he might want to discuss with a friend.