Page 78 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

You’re Landon now, right?

Landon couldn’t respond. The way that Dustin could see that was… fuck.

He didn’t even know how he looked or acted that differently when he was Landon or Lena, just what it felt like inside. Gender always felt like such a performance to him, but the core of who he was on any given day was just something that he felt.

He was fucking stunned that Dustin could see it. Especially since he wasn’t wearing a damn stitch of clothing.

But he didn’t want to give that away, so he just shrugged. Probably.

That was going to be confusing later, but he couldn’t handle it now. He knew that some people swam through gradients and combinations of genders or none at all, but he was always all male or all female. Nothing in between.

And it was definitely a Landon day. A regroup and retreat day.

He walked to the bathroom and Dustin didn’t try to stop him.

He tried not to think while he was in the shower. He especially tried not to think about Dustin. But it was impossible, because Dustin, Daddy, had placed tender kisses in each of these places.

And it had been glorious. Truly, the only time he’d ever really lost himself in a scene like that. It had felt so visceral. So stupidly tender.

And then there was the earlier part of the evening. Did that mean that he was a middle? Or at least that he wanted a Daddy, even if it wasn’t for age play? And if so, how had he not figured it out in the past decade?

Dustin had seemed to figure it out right away. Or at least been interested in exploring it. Hell, maybe it had nothing to do with Landon at all. Maybe it was Dustin’s kink and Landon had just gotten to come along for the ride.

That thought froze his chest, even as he finally succumbed and let his eyes drip tears. What if Dustin was trying to figure out if he was a Daddy, but didn’t want to be Landon’s Daddy? What if all of that care and cuddling and fucking comic books was just Dustin trying to figure himself out?

God, that would fucking suck. Landon knew that Ash, though they joked about it, felt a little unmoored without a Daddy. What if he ended up getting used to Dustin, came to rely on him, and then had to go through the same thing when he moved on? Landon had treasured his independence, and if he gave it up and then had to reconstruct it all again on his own, he felt like it would destroy him.

Or maybe that was just the subdrop talking. He knew better than to take himself seriously right now. It was a terrible time to make decisions. Or even think about anything important.

He was just going to go through his morning like usual. Fake it till you make it. And then come home and crash.