Page 80 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

That was the other reason why he wasn’t really participating in the conversation. Because he was watching Landon. Needing to know where he was and what he was doing, even if he was powerless to stop it.

Landon would laugh and flirt, and then look over at Dustin and wave. But there was something sad under his eyes.

It made Dustin’s chest hurt.

It was worse when Landon finally came over to him and sat right down on his lap. Like he belonged there. Like he didn’t even need to ask.

And God, Dustin wanted that. He wanted Landon to claim him publicly like that. To be so confident in his care that he wouldn’t even have to ask.

But then, then, Landon started flirting with Marco. Right there in front of him, still sitting on his lap.

It was like poison running through his veins. Slow and inevitable. Knowing that you were dying and helpless to stop it.

A waitress came by and dropped off his food, a beautiful, golden omelet with potatoes and salad. It made his stomach turn.

Landon hopped off his lap and went to go sort out his meal since he’d ordered it from the other end of the table.

Marco gave Dustin a sad look. Like he understood, though how he possibly could was beyond Dustin’s comprehension. You should tell your boyfriend that you don’t like it when he flirts with other people, he suggested gently.

He’s not my boyfriend.

But you want him to be?

Knowing that Ash was watching all of this avidly, he answered anyway. I don’t think that’s what he wants, so it doesn’t matter.

He watches you all the time, though. I thought it was a game you two were playing at first.

Could that be a game? Maybe, if they both agreed on it. If Landon was his. But right now it was unfathomable.

He watches me?

All the time, Ash answered while Marco nodded.

It was something, but not enough. And when Landon turned back to them, holding his plate victoriously with his mouth happy and his eyes pretending not to be sad, it was too much.

I’m sorry. I have to go. Dustin didn’t say it to Landon. He didn’t really say it to anyone.

He just said it and left.

He took out his earplugs as soon as he got outside. Basically so that he could hear Landon running after him, like he’d half thought he would. Even though he didn’t stop.

“Dustin! Dustin!”

He walked faster.

But his key ring got caught on a stupid pen that he had in his pocket, and he couldn’t get the car door unlocked fast enough.

Then Landon was crashing into him, blocking the door with that goddamn adorable tremble to his lips. Why are you leaving?

Dustin stepped back, yielding access to his car to put some space between them. Landon was holding Dustin’s sweater, like he gave a shit about something so meaningless right now.

Why am I leaving? he exploded. What kind of question is that? I woke up in your bed this morning. We shared something last night that, and even if it didn’t mean shit to you because you do it all the time, it was really special to me. Like, the most magical night in my whole life.

Landon shrunk down in himself, tears dripping from his eyes like icy streams. But not the right tears. Not for the right reasons.

And this morning you acted like we barely even knew each other. You sat on my lap while you flirted with someone else. I know that you told me this was just practice. Just “lessons.” And I should have said “no.” Because I can’t do it. I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s, what do they call it? Dom frenzy? Maybe I’m confusing what we do in bed with who we are together. But I don’t think so. And I’m kind of obsessed with you.

Landon started toward him, hands outstretched, but he batted them away.

Did you know that I think about you all the time? Not just like remembering things we did or planning what to do next. Like, all the damn time. I want to know when you get home from school and what you eat for dinner and when you go to sleep. I want to know where you go on your runs and what movies you watch and when you finish your lesson plans.

Landon stepped toward him again, but he stepped back, turning in the space between the cars to put more distance between them. He knew he was saying too much. Revealing far, far too much. But he might as well say it. Get it all out and make Landon realize why he couldn’t do any more stupid little “lessons.”

Because, Landon, because I’m apparently some sort of idiot who wants to be a part of your life, even though I’ve only known you for three months. And worse, I think I want to control a lot of that for you, too. I want to make sure that you know how amazing you are. I want to make you feel safe and cherished. I want to tell you when to do your homework and when to take a break and when to relax, just for me.

And I know you don’t want that. God, you couldn’t be more clear. But that’s why I’m leaving now.

He pushed Landon roughly away from the car door and didn’t even catch him when he stumbled.

The keys, thank God, came easily to his hand this time. And then he was pulling out of the parking lot.

Landon’s damp face was branded into his brain. Beautiful and miserable and shining with tears, like the light of the world was bouncing off his cheeks.

Dustin had been right before. Hurting Landon was so much worse than when he’d inadvertently hurt Alan.

Landon was an exotic bird who needed to be free, and he’d tried to force him into a cage. Now both of them were broken and bleeding, impaled by the sharp wires.

He should have known that he was only trapping himself.