Page 82 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

Landon shook his head, the stupidity of his actions only now starting to seep in. I usually deal with it on my own, you know. Go through my day and wait for it to be over.

So you… didn’t want him to help you with it?

I just wanted… I wanted some time to figure things out, I think. And he’d apparently dealt with it the stupidest way possible.

Will you share them with me? I’m happy to listen.

And so he did. From slamming into Dustin outside the door three months ago to the explosion in the parking lot. It was like their whole relationship had happened in just twenty feet of industrialized, anonymous space. Now that it was over, there was nothing to show for it.

He was tempted to leave things out, to gloss over his stupidities and insecurities. To downplay how liberating it felt to be playfully bratty with Dustin in the kitchen and how deeply he felt Dustin’s care last night. Not to mention how much he looked forward to Dustin’s texts every day, all of the inspiring words and little check-ins about what was going on in his day.

But Ash was a good listener, and not only did they know where Landon was coming from, but they withheld judgment.

So Landon found himself spilling everything in turbulent waves and overlapping stories. He even ate an omelet, surprised by his own hunger, but things felt a bit more manageable with Ash there.

When he was done, he realized what a relief it was to leave that whole knotted tangle of emotions and moments on the scratched Formica table for Ash to sort through. He felt empty inside now, not heavy or light, just empty, like a vessel that hadn’t been filled.

Do you know what you want to do about it? Like, are you ready to move on or do you want to talk with him?

Landon shook his head. He couldn’t figure out how much of his hopelessness and exhaustion was from the subdrop and how much was from the situation. All he knew was that he felt shitty.

Alright, so friends don’t let friends go through subdrop alone. What were your plans for today?

I have a lot of work, but I probably can’t concentrate like this. And I was supposed to take my niblings to the science museum. Having a gender-neutral word for nieces and nephews was one of the things that Landon loved about ASL. I don’t know if I’ll be up for it, though.

The science museum? Ash's face glowed with wonder and Landon got a hint of what they might look like when they regressed in age play. It was kind of adorable.

Come on. Finish your omelet and then we’ll get the kids and go to the science museum. I can even corral them if they get to be too much for you. No more thinking today.

That sounded a lot better than moping around on his own all day, but… You don’t have to do that. Just listening to me was really nice, actually.

Thanks, but I think you have it backward. If you’re going to the science museum, I think you owe me a trip in return for saving you from the dementors.

Landon found himself smiling again. Not the fake grins he’d put on this morning, but actually smiling. He’d known that Ash was fun, flirty, and funny, but he hadn’t realized that they could also be considerate and caring. Or maybe he just hadn’t been looking.

In that case, I’d be happy to take you.

Being at the science museum with Lola, Matt, and Ash was just perfect for cheering him up.

Ash let him babble on about how electricity worked and how Edison had wronged Tesla even after the kids had long since lost interest in favor of hopping on the light-up squares. And all four of them had great fun in the weird mirror and maze room, chasing each other around and, occasionally, letting Landon focus them on exploring how light refraction worked.

When they got to the baby chicks, Ash wrapped a friendly arm around him, and they stood there for nearly half an hour watching one of them hatch. As it turned out, platonic cuddling was pretty nice.

When the kids were eating horrible flat pizza and pretending their yogurt tubes were lizard tongues, Ash surprised him with a question. Do you think Dustin’s a Daddy?

Landon looked around, but he and Ash were signing, and the kids were pretending that their fingers could stick to the walls. That was kind of gross as far as the walls, but at least they weren’t licking them. Much.

Since they were distracted, Landon felt like he could answer. Except that he didn’t really know how to answer. That word could mean so many things, and until last night he hadn’t thought much about it. You would know better than I would.

Ash gave him a look and he cringed. Alright, maybe he already knew the answer to the question. Can you… I think I’d like to hear what you think. I know a lot of people who identify as Daddies, but I never really paid that much attention beyond the basics to explain it to newbies. It looks much easier when people already have it figured out.

And you’re used to having the answers. Ash's eyes were compassionate.

I’m used to having the answers. But I don’t have a clue right now.

You said that he wanted to keep track of you and take care of you. It sounds like he likes the idea of at least playing with control outside of the bedroom and giving you structure, relaxation, and sex. That sounds like a Daddy, even though the sex isn’t a necessary part of it.

Landon nodded. He knew this, at least technically. It had just seemed too enormous to hold.