Page 87 of Love Lessons: Expanded Edition

Chapter 16

Dustin

Dustin plucked an aimless melody on his guitar while Zhong sat beside him and read a book, his toes tucked under Dustin’s thigh.

It was probably good that Zhong couldn’t hear him, because he wasn’t very good. But it gave him something for his fingers to do and he’d always liked playing music. The song that poured out today was melancholy and slow.

He appreciated Zhong just being there, but he’d cycled through the same thoughts so many times today that he wanted to give his best friend a rest.

His own thoughts, though, kept circling around like vultures over a wounded animal.

He’d gone over the hundreds of ways that he could have handled this morning better. And definitely all of the reasons why he shouldn’t ever be anyone’s Daddy or Dom if he couldn’t be trusted not to throw a tantrum in the parking lot or take better care of Landon.

Zhong had suggested that he either apologize to Landon and patch things up or recognize that it wouldn’t work out for them if they were looking for different things in a relationship.

It sounded so logical coming from Zhong, but he didn’t want anyone else.

He couldn’t say he was in love yet. But it felt like it could go there. He was a bit obsessed. And… smitten. Enchanted.

Heartbroken.

He just didn’t know if he could trust it. It could be Dom frenzy, and he needed to be honest about whether he was confusing kinks with love. But he’d also read that D/s relationships progressed a lot faster because you were trusting each other with your deepest vulnerabilities while vanilla couples were still talking about their favorite colors or something.

Landon had given him something. Something so special and deep and trusting.

But they’d also talked a lot. They’d gone running and made dinners and gone to a museum and watched movies. It couldn’t just be kink, right? Wasn’t that enough for it to be real?

Not that it mattered. He’d overreacted and ruined everything. Mournful notes spilled from the guitar.

At some point, Zhong got up, but Dustin didn’t pay much attention. He heard the door open and close a couple of times and ignored it.

So when he looked up and found Landon sitting across from him in the armchair, he almost didn’t believe he was real. His fingers stuttered in a discordant tangle of notes.

Play it again? Landon asked.

Dustin wanted to throw the guitar across the room and sweep Landon into his arms. He also wanted to do whatever Landon asked and not fuck this up. I’m just making it up. I don’t think I can.

Will you make something up for me, then?

Oh, God. His beautiful, dazzling boy. He’d give him anything he wanted. Anything at all. Of course.

His fingers tumbled over the strings again, without any plan but just wandering around in a key. He watched Landon closely, not sure how much he could hear even though he’d put his hearing aids in.

He finally let the melody trail off. Could you hear that?

Landon held up his thumb and finger, so close together they were almost touching. I got a few of the lower notes.

I can play the electric guitar for you sometime, he offered, hoping for a future where he could bump up the bass and at least let Landon feel the rhythm.

I’d like that.

After that, he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Why was Landon here? He had so many hopes and so many fears.

He started playing again, then gave it up. He didn’t deserve Landon, but maybe if he could do a better job, be a better person, he might be lucky enough to still spend some time with him anyway.

Starting with an apology. I’m sorry for what I said this morning. It was way out of line.

Landon gave a jerky nod. It could have come out defiant and fiery, but instead he looked small and lost. Like he needed Dustin to wrap him up and take care of him, but Dustin had given up that right, if he’d ever had it.