Page 105 of Love Limits

Ash sucked in a breath. They just had to say it.

They marched across the room, letting their frustration fuel them. No, I’m not OK. I don’t want any more dates. I don’t want anyone else. I love you. And I want you to be my Daddy. You. Just you.

Zhong looked stunned. What was he thinking? Ash felt like their whole life was balanced on a seesaw. With a few words, Ash could get everything they wanted or have all of it ripped away. They hugged their arms around their chest.

Zhong raised his hands, like he was going to answer, but no words flowed from his fingers. The seesaw started to dip.

Fuck. Ash had messed all of this up. They knew Zhong needed time to process. He liked to think things through. But if he was going to say something good, he would have said it already, right?

Ash turned away. It felt like their lungs couldn’t expand, like every inhalation was filled with shards of glass. They needed to leave, to get out of this terrible space of vulnerability and disappointment. Except of course Zhong was at their apartment.

Zhong caught their wrist. They couldn’t look up. Zhong was going to say something kind and thoughtful and friendly, and it wasn’t going to be at all what they needed.

Zhong pulled harder, tugging until they were pressed up against his side, his gloriously strong arms wrapping around them. If only it meant what they wanted it to mean.

Zhong tilted their chin up, until they had no choice but to meet his sorrowful eyes. They were too close to sign, but Zhong mouthed the words, pressing the three-fingered sign into their back at the same time. “I love you.”

Ash should have felt relieved, and maybe they would have if they didn’t know Zhong so well. The seesaw was still swaying dangerously. Zhong loved Dustin and someone named Sarah, too. Just love wasn’t enough. They wanted to be loved most of all.

Zhong pulled back just far enough to communicate, one leg still pressed against Ash’s side. I love you. He said it again. Emphatically. But… my love has limits. I… you know that I can’t give you everything that you need.

Ash shook their head. You can. You do.

Zhong reached into his back pocket and pulled out his notebook. It hadn’t been what Ash was expecting at all, but it was so perfectly Zhong at the same time.

They opened it and pointed to a page. There, in Zhong’s tiny, elegant handwriting, was a title, “Puppy Play.” I loved all of this. He pointed to a short, bulleted list. But I can’t do this part. He moved his finger to a second list inscribed in a neatly bordered box. Ash couldn’t read most of it, but the first item was “tail with a butt plug.”

OK, so it was a list of sexual items or activities. That made sense, in a very Zhong way.

Zhong flipped through the book until he found another page. Look at this one. He was flinging the book around too much to read, but it looked like the heading was “Daddy Kink.” I can do most of this. He flipped to the back of the page. But this… He finally stopped waving the book around.

I can’t do any of this, he finally concluded.

Ash had thought that their heart was breaking a few minutes ago, but Zhong looked absolutely destroyed.

Ash slipped the book from his loose fingers and skimmed the page. It read, “Ash’s Sexual Needs” in small, block letters. It would have been hilarious in any other circumstance.

The opposite page had a recipe on the top, a coupon code for the game store in the middle, and what looked like a shopping list for the hardware store at the bottom, each sectioned off in its own little space.

They turned back to their own page and started reading the bullets. “2-3x/week preferred, less often acceptable.” The word preferred was underlined. “Penetrative sex—all types.” Ash’s lips quirked. That was a graceful way of saying it. “During play and other times.” It wasn’t inaccurate, but to see it abstracted to a list was strange. Had they even said all of that?

They kept reading. “Usually submissive, non-kinky sometimes. Likes orgasm denial.” There was a star after the last one. Had Zhong been thinking about that? And if so, was it because he thought it was hot or thought it was a way that they might be compatible? Hell, maybe it just meant that he needed to do more research.

The list went on, but Ash didn’t need to read any further. Someday, they wanted to read all of those lists, and they had no doubt that there were more. But right now it didn’t matter.

They carefully closed the notebook and set it down on the desk beside him. I love you, they signed, watching Zhong’s reactions. He looked miserable and defenseless, nothing like their strong Daddy. Most of all, they added.

Zhong’s eyes lit up, but he lifted his hands at the same time. He was going to argue.

You have been my perfect Daddy since you first handed me the Scrabble box.

Zhong’s anguished face melted into a tiny smile.

Our relationship is what we make it. It’s what we agree on. And… if I have you, sex just isn’t that important.

Zhong shook his head again. That’s not fair to you. I could try…

Ash turned around, cutting off their communication. It was horribly rude, but they were going to fight for this relationship the best way that they knew how.