Page 33 of Love Limits

Dustin just gave him a look.

She did, didn’t she? Zhong deflated.

Dustin gave him a solemn nod.

After all of those late night, soul searching conversations they’d had, somehow this had never come up, or at least not in the same words. Or hell. Maybe they’d told him dozens of times and it just hadn’t meant anything until he was ready to hear it. A crush? Well, fuck.

Very little fucking, actually, Dustin returned.

Zhong smirked. Just as it should be.

Dustin typed out a quick text to Sarah while Zhong buried his head in his hands. She was three time zones away, and probably still at work, so he didn’t expect a reply. The two of them were never going to let him live this down.

OK, apparently Sarah was texting back because Dustin’s eyes were alight with laughter.

Ugh. This was so embarrassing.

Though if there was one person he could be embarrassed around, it was Dustin. As much as he might tease, Zhong was certain that he’d never hurt him. Maybe this could even help him figure some things out.

There was actually something he’d been wondering. Do you think I had a crush on you guys, too? I mean, without the attraction part. Like I… my chest would feel all warm and kind of fluttery sometimes. Is that the same?

Dustin tried to hide a smile, but he didn’t do a very good job of it. If you identify as romantic, which you say you do, then it sounds like that’s what attraction feels like for you. I kind of assumed you felt something like that. It should help you recognize what it feels like when you’re dating. I mean, you told me once that you always felt like we fit together. He held out all of the fingers on his two horizontal hands, then interwove them together to show the fit.

Dustin was right. That’s what it had always felt like for the two of them. Yeah. It was after that night when we ate all the lime Jell-O. I knew that we fit because my chest was all warm and fluttery. Is that the same as a crush?

I can’t tell you how you feel. But for me it is. That feeling when you want to spend all of your time with someone and do special things to make them smile.

OK, but that still didn’t explain everything. Zhong tried again, hoping that he wasn’t overstepping. I still feel that way about you. And Sarah. I thought crushes didn’t last a long time.

Dustin looked like he was feeling a little nervous, too. He shaped his words with unusual precision. I think that it stops being a crush when the other person is interested, too. That’s when you either start a relationship or decide it doesn’t work. I mean, I don’t really think of myself as being poly, but I still think that we’re in a relationship of some sort, even when I’m dating other people. He looked Zhong right in the eyes.

He thought they were in a relationship? What did that even mean? Because if Dustin thought they were in a relationship, and Zhong thought so too, wouldn’t that look different? His mouth felt dry and his heart was beating too fast, but not in the fluttery good way. Can you explain more? he finally asked.

In college, it felt much more like a poly relationship with you and Sarah. I mean, I was more attracted to you than her, but you were the glue between us. Like, you were maybe my primary partners and I dated other people, too. He shrugged. It’s changed a lot over the years, but yes, I still think of us as being in a relationship.

A romantic relationship? Zhong queried. Do you think of me romantically?

Hell if I know. I did at first. Now I just think of you as… Zhong. What we have works, doesn’t it? I mean, when I’m not being too distracted by someone else. Dustin searched his face, looking guilty and sad at the same time.

It seemed like this whole conversation had thrown both of them off. Dustin seemed incredulous that Zhong hadn’t known about their supposed relationship, and Zhong was just stunned.

Now he wasn’t sure what to say. How had he missed this all this time? Could he have asked for more before? Demanded more of Dustin’s time and attention? Could he still now?

Well, maybe not now. Landon would be the only thing on Dustin’s mind for a while. Zhong had seen this cycle before. When Dustin started dating someone it was always worse, but then it evened out. New Relationship Energy.

Which come to think of it, was a poly term. So… holy shit. Zhong had been in a poly relationship. Even if it didn’t have labels.

Dustin rubbed his hands over his face. I’m sorry that I never told you this. I really thought you knew.

It’s OK, Zhong replied automatically. Was it OK? He had no idea. Especially now that he was spending so much time with Ash. Was that, like, an asexual poly thing, too? He even had his own New Relationship Energy. Kind of. For board games and cuddles and Ash’s bouncy energy.

He was pretty sure, though, that even ace and poly people usually had to acknowledge that they were in a relationship and agree to it for it to count. He might have been oblivious before, but that had happened by accident.

Everything really was much easier with college roommates.

Ash had said they were in a poly relationship before, so maybe he could ask them about it sometime.

Dustin pressed his hands to Zhong’s knees and rubbed up and down his thighs. It was a soothing, caring gesture, but it looked like he was trying to sooth himself as much as Zhong. What was that? An apology? A request?