Page 153 of Pretty ’n Peak

“I’ve been thinking about doing it under a pseudonym. Or maybe not at all.”

“Are there a lot of Mateo Delgados in the world?”

“Probably hundreds. But my family has seen my art style. And so has the whole community at this point. People talk. I’m just not sure what to do”

Austin kissed him again, brushing over the bumps of his spine. “I support you either way.”

“Thank you. I think I know that. It’s just…” He sighed. “We’ve only spent three weekends together.”

Austin wasn’t sure he liked where this was going. “That’s true,” he allowed. “But I think we’ve packed more into those three weekends than a lot of people do into months of dates.”

Mateo’s voice softened. “We have, Daddy.”

Oh, that was better.

“I was just thinking about what you said last night. About your closeted ex. I guess… I can’t know if you and I will stay together.”

For a moment, Austin’s world felt like it was crashing down, and he wanted to interject with all sorts of impossible promises. But he caught himself. Mateo was going somewhere with this, even if he couldn’t follow it yet.

“Even if we break up, though… I’m still gay. Or queer, I guess, though that still sounds like a bad word to me. I’m never going to be comfortable just being male. And I’m definitely, one hundred percent, submissive.”

Austin’s heart started beating again. “You are,” he affirmed. “It’s part of why you’re so beautiful and strong.” Part of why he could fall in love with him, he privately thought. Though there were so many other reasons, too.

“I don’t feel that way right now. I feel like a coward.”

“There’s nothing cowardly about wanting to control when, how, and even if you come out.”

“Even if I never do?”

Austin dug his fingers in deep, working them into Mateo’s luscious back.

Could he really be with him if he never came out? If he was always going to be a secret, rather than a support on a journey?

He honestly didn’t think he could do it again. Even with the freedom of the entire city of Portland, with every weekend just like this.

It would be too nerve wracking, their relationship overshadowed by Mateo’s fears.

He only had to hope that Mateo didn’t truly feel that way.

He chose his words carefully, not sure if he was saying too much or too little. “If our relationship continues, I’d like to imagine a future where we live together someday. It could be in Portland or Woodburn.” And that flexible location thing with Cuffd was sounding better and better. “But I would want us to come home to each other each night. I’d want to bring you to meet my parents. I’d want to…” He cast around for examples. “I’d want to go to your niece’s piano recital and all of your gallery shows, too.”

Maybe if he made the dream enticing enough, Mateo could see it too.

“Daddy.” Mateo’s voice sounded broken. It was followed by a sniffle. Was he crying?

Austin stroked the side of his face, leaning forward to see it twisted in grief.

“I want that too.” The words were tangled in a sob.

Austin covered Mateo with his body. Getting as close as two people could get, as if he could merge them together and never let Mateo hurt again.

“It’s just–” A wet, sucking breath. “I thought this would be easier if I had a boyfriend. That I’d just be able to tell them, and if they rejected me, I’d still be okay. But it’s not. It’s not easier. And that’s not… that’s not fair to you.”

Austin kissed him. Everywhere that he could reach. His cheeks. His damp eyelids. His lips, even as Mateo’s mouth was still twisted in a sob.

He enjoyed making subs cry, sometimes, reveling in the catharsis. But not like this. Never like this.

“No, baby. That’s not how you should think about it. We’re…” He didn’t even know where to begin. “Listen. Like you said, we’ve only known each other for three weekends. We agreed to start dating last night. This isn’t something that you have to decide immediately. Let’s give it six months or a year. See where you are. See who you are. Things have been changing so fast for you recently. You don’t need to change everything else, too.”