Page 69 of The Matchmaker’s Mistake

He could not call in Gracechurch Street. He had no claim of his own to take him there. The weather had been foul of late and was likely to remain so, therefore he could not count upon Tuesday walks in Hyde Park. His mother seemed to be interested in finding a match for Miss Elizabeth, at least. But could he bear to see her only on the days when she was speaking to someone else?

He looked at himself in the dark glass. His reflection looked back. This was the man who had insulted her before all her neighbours and had yet to offer so much as an apology for it.

His mother had warned him against it, concerned, no doubt, that he not make it worse. But she was wrong.

Before he could consider approaching Miss Elizabeth for a call, he must first give her reason to forgive him.

CHAPTER 18

“Ikeep thinking of his face,” Jane said.

Elizabeth had not spoken of Mr. Bingley since Jane’s quiet acknowledgement on Wednesday that he would not be calling again, and that it was by her choice. She had then been so calm and so busy that they had all felt obliged to be calm and busy around her.

To own the truth, Elizabeth had been both shocked and a little hurt by her sister’s silence, for although she had waited patiently, Jane had not spoken to her about her intention to withdraw from Mr. Bingley before she had done it. It was an enormous decision to have made, and normally they spoke about everything. Elizabeth thought perhaps Jane had not wished to be talked out of her decision, and she knew herself well enough to admit that she might have tried. She had lain awake two nights running, listening through the wall for any sounds of distress, but there had been none.

It was now Friday at three o’clock. The children were upstairs at their lessons, Uncle Gardiner was at the warehouses, and Aunt Gardiner was out about her errands, after which she would convey her husband home in the carriage. It was at this moment, when they were alone together, that Jane was at last disposed to speak.

“He looked at me as though I had struck him,” Jane said.

Elizabeth put down her work.

“And then he thanked me, Lizzy. He thanked me for my honesty, and for the happiest weeks of his—” Her needle stopped. She looked at it for a moment, and then drew it through, and her voice was once again level. “He behaved just as I knew he would.”

“Oh, Jane,” Elizabeth said. “I should like to hear it in order, if you are willing. You never even let on that you were considering breaking with Mr. Bingley.”

“I think I knew just after New Year’s, but I could not bear to hurt him. Then I realised that I was only making it worse by not telling him.”

“So long?”

“Yes. I will tell you everything, but I fear you will think me ungrateful.”

“I think you many things, dearest, but ungrateful has never been among them.”

Jane smoothed the work in her lap. “Mr. Bingley is the kindest man I have ever known. That is not in question, so there is no need to defend him to me. He treats everyone, high or low, with the same cheerful attention, and when he and I are alone, he gives me his full attention too.” She paused. “I admire that about him. But it is also the root of my difficulty.”

“His cheerful nature?”

“I have spent several months with him now, and I have learned that Mr. Bingley is never so entirely himself as when in a crowd of twenty people.”

Elizabeth could not see the difficulty, and so she simply nodded at her sister to continue.

“I began to understand that if I married him, I should spend my life at the edge of that crowd, waiting for his notice. I would be home, and he would be at his club. Or we would be out and he would be pulled into a crowd of people he knew and I would be forgot once the introductions were complete.”

“Did Mr. Bingley ever say⁠—”

“He would love me dearly, Lizzy, and I know I should have all of him that his friends could spare.”

Elizabeth had seen it, the knot of laughing people surrounding Mr. Bingley, and Jane standing just to the side. She had been distracted by Lady Anne and the Darcy siblings, and though she had always meant to ask Jane about it, she never had.

“It seems I am more selfish than I believed,” Jane said. “I enjoy evenings out, but I would not wish to be out every night. Sometimes I will want my husband content to be at home and quiet with me, and I want to own the better part of his conversation and attention. Mr. Bingley adores society and comes alive when he is in it. He is not a man who will ever wish to stay home of an evening. He would not even know how.”

“Not even if he had a sweet, beautiful wife to return to?” Elizabeth asked. “I am sure he would be happy to compromise and be in society less once you are wed.”

“You misunderstand, Lizzy. This is not a habit that can be altered by compromise, nor a fault that can be mended.” Her voice was very even. “It is not a fault at all. It is his nature.”

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

“No.”