Page 49 of The History in Us

Levi

We wandered amongst the creatures of various shapes and sizes. Some fictionalized to extreme fantasy; others merely myths from prehistoric creatures. Neither mattered as Katie enjoyed them all.

“I think the dragons are my favorite,” she squealed like a child. “When I was a child, my cousin Gee and I would pretend to be a princess and a knight. The dragon was always coming after him, and I’d be the one to slay it. I’d dub him a knight and he’d lay down at my feet. Of course, he normally had on a tutu, as that’s all I had to dress him up in to distinguish him.” She giggled at the memory. I couldn’t help touching her as she spoke, letting my fingers drift over her neck, brushing back her hair. She turned into my touch but continued to speak.

“I always loved stories of knights and princesses. Men battling creatures to save their people. Women appearing to need saving.” She paused, but my knuckles continued to caress the coolness of her skin. “Of course, if you read into fairy tales, the princess doesn’t really need saving. She often saved the prince instead, he just didn’t know it.” Her eyes turned to me, and the blue pierced my soul like her imaginary swords. She saw into the depths of me, reading my pain, seeing my story, and it frightened me.

“Men fight battles for justice. Women fight for love,” she said.

My hand paused on her neck, cupping around to the nape. I stepped closer to her, wanting to ask her if she’d slay dragons for me, but not daring to imagine such a question. I didn’t really need Katie’s protection, and yet, in many ways I longed for it. Her confidence. Her strength. She had faith in me, and it was a heady drink. I wasn’t much for public displays of affection, but I pulled her to me, letting my mouth cover hers briefly, dragging out the sweetness of her, drawing her into me.

“You continue to surprise me,” I whispered to her lips, my gaze falling on them, wanting to take more from her but remembering where we stood.

“How so?” Her mouth curled slowly. Her eyes lowering, submissive, yet seductive.

“I don’t know how to explain it.” My fingers toyed with her hair, fisting it in my fingers. “You like all these things that seem so foreign to me, and yet I see you believe in them on a deeper level. It’s like you really think there’s a happily ever after waiting to happen.”

“I do,” she said. “I have to believe those things exist. I don’t want to ever feel settled, compromised, tied down, like my mother must have felt. I want to fall in love and believe forever lives. Slaying dragons, fighting battles is all part of the intrigue, the journey. It’s faith and loyalty that perseveres. It’s hope.”

I stared at her; her words distinctly unknown to me, but so enticing. I knew of loyalty. I’d had it with my unit, my team, my men, but I’d lost them, and in that moment, I’d lost my hope in humanity. Time rebuilt my physical strength, but I lost much of my emotional stamina. I just couldn’t invest in relationships. None of them lasted for me. With that thought, I stepped back.

“I don’t believe in love, Katie.” Her eyes closed momentarily, sucking in a breath before she steeled her resolve. Standing taller, she waited for my explanation, but decided to assess me instead.

“Yes, you do Levi. You love your child. And you believe in love of country. You fought in a war because of it.”

“I fought to get away, Katie.” The truth sounded shallow, forced out of me by her earnest belief in my goodness. “I needed to get out of that awful town. I had to get away. That’s the only reason I enlisted. College wasn’t going to happen for me. I couldn’t afford it and I wasn’t good enough at basketball for a scholarship.” I stepped back another pace, swiping my hand over my head, before resting it behind my neck. “Don’t try to glamorize me, Katie. It won’t work. I’m no hero. I’m selfish. I went to war to get away, not for something I initially believed.” I sighed heavily at the admission. It solidified my failure as a soldier.

“I don’t believe you. I bet you loved your platoon or your squad or whatever you call it.” She waved her hand at me, scanning up and down my body as if my unit were a part of me, and they had been. She was right. I had loved those men unconditionally. I’d never trusted anyone as much as I trusted them, but I’d let them all down. They had faith in me and I failed them. They gave me love and I gave them…I couldn’t let the thought take me. The memory would consume me like the heat of her mythical dragon, and I’d gladly take the fiery flames of hell, if it meant I could bring those boys back home.

“I can’t talk about this with you.” I stepped farther away from her and faced the scaly, putrid-green-colored creature. My hands gripped the cool metal of the railing separating museum visitors from the display.

“Why not? I’m a good listener. It’s all I did for years. I listened.” The hint to her toddler past did nothing to soothe me.

“It’s not a matter of hearing the words, it’s understanding them. You’d hate me if you knew the things I’ve seen and done.”

She stepped toward me, her fingers gracing the scruff on my jaw, and I found the touch strangely comforting.

“I don’t think so.” She tried to smile, her eyes gleaming with hope that I’d share my darkest secrets with her. Like her mythical creatures, Katie romanticized the unknown-to-her experiences, but there was nothing glorious about watching men die and praying for your own life.

“Can we talk about something else, please?” I begged softly, pressing off the railing.

“Fine,” she said without wincing, defiant and strong. This was not the better she deserved, and she knew it with her tone. Her enthusiasm deterred, and unfortunately, it’s where it needed to be. War wasn’t a fantasy.

* * *

Things were awkward after my outburst, as we finished walking the exhibit. Katie found a picture book in the souvenir shop and bought it for AJ. I should have thought of such a thing, but my mind was elsewhere from the moment we talked about love and my men. Not ready to let her go, especially on an uncomfortable note, I asked her to join me for dinner at my house. Takeout was my specialty, I warned, and she finally laughed a little. After feeding AJ, Katie offered to give him a bath, and I ordered pizza. The situation felt so domestic, and my gut twisted with the comfort of things. This is the way it should have been with Alicia, and yet hearing Katie’s sweet laughter while she washed AJ hinted that Alicia would never mean what Katie was becoming to me. I wanted to please her. I wanted her to believe in me. I just didn’t want her to glorify me into some hero status I couldn’t fulfill.

With AJ wrapped in a teddy-bear-eared towel, Katie pressed kisses to his cheek as she entered the living room. I took AJ from her, ready with a bottle for his sleep. Returning to the living room, I found Katie staring at something.

“You’re the guest speaker?” she questioned, holding up the cardstock invitation to the donor fundraiser. Her eyebrow rose in surprise, considering it an honor.

“I didn’t want to do it, but Wayne wants me to talk about my experience.” Instantly, I saw the wheels spinning in Katie’s eyes.