Page 19 of After Care

Masie nodded agreeing with me. “I know. I get it. I do.” She paused, brushing back her long brunette hair. “But I like him. He’s fun. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?” She wasn’t looking for me to answer, but I did.

“Of course not. In fact, I think it’s great that you and Caleb found people your own age to hang with. I didn’t expect you to hang out with your old mom the whole time.”

Masie sat up, eyes widening. “It’s not that, Mom. You know if you wanted us to spend all our time with you, we would. I mean, this is your vacation.” Panic set in her voice, and I saw the stress covering her face. The purpose of this vacation was to remind all of us to be thankful and celebrate. I wanted my kids to enjoy themselves, to be worry free.

“It’s our vacation, honey. Just keep things in check,” I said, hoping it would be enough of a hint without spelling out that I didn’t want her sleeping with him.

Hypo-meet-crite. Guilt washed over me. With each passing moment of the day, I became more and more reflective of what I’d done, and how I’d done it with a virtual stranger. A stranger who still kissed me on the beach like we were celebrating something special. Maybe not a golden anniversary like the older woman mentioned, but something momentous, at least for me.

“You know, Mom.” She hesitated. “If you met someone, and wanted to spend time with him during this vacation, that would be cool, too.” Her eyes lowered to the table and she stroked the rounded edge, nervousness filling her voice.

“Oh, honey, I don’t think that will happen for me.” Sadness filled me as I realized I didn’t have plans to see Tommy again. While his attention had been refreshing, revitalizing even, I didn’t expect to spend time with him.

“I saw the way Tommy looked at you,” Masie said, turning a sheepish smile on me. “I think he might be interested.”

“Masie,” I laughed, mock-scolding her. “I don’t think so, baby.” I patted her hand.

“Well, if he did ask you out, I think it would be cool for you to spend time with someone as well.” She lowered her brow and narrowed her eyes at me in a teasing manner. “Just keep things in check.” Her voice deepened as she teased me, and I swallowed. Too late.

We ended up having a mother-daughter movie night where I let her drink wine in the condo and we laughed at the shenanigans of Bad Moms.

“Thank goodness, you aren’t like that,” Masie said when the single man stripped the single mother on the kitchen counter. Yes, I thought, thank heavens. Being stripped and taken on the counter would be so…heavenly, but I kept my thoughts to myself.

Her phone continued to buzz and ping with messages throughout the movie, which she took on the sly, but she didn’t ask to leave and I silently thanked her for giving us this private time together.

“West says Tommy wants to know if you want to join them.” My heart skipped a beat and I found myself containing the excitement that he wanted to see me. It struck me as ironic that Tommy didn’t even have my phone number after all we’d done. I looked over at Masie, and despite her expectant look, I couldn’t leave her alone.

“Tell West thank you, but I’m good here with my girl.” Masie smiled, and relief washed over me. I’d made the better—the smarter—decision. She typed, hit send, and set the phone on the cushion once again.

“You know, I feel kind of sorry for Ivy. She doesn’t have a mother to spend time with. I don’t think she has many girlfriends, either.” Masie said, thoughtful a moment. “Probably because everyone wants to get close to her to be close to the band.”

“Is that what she said?” I questioned, feeling a pinch of sorrow for Ivy myself. After all Tommy told me, I knew Ivy missed her mother and didn’t have many female influences.

“She just told me I was lucky I still had you. She also said she was sorry that you had cancer.” She looked up at me. “I didn’t tell her, I swear, but Ivy knew. The headscarves are a giveaway.” Masie wrung her fingers together, twisting them as she spoke. Her phone pinged again but she ignored it.

“Honey, you don’t have to be ashamed to tell anyone.”

“I’m not,” she cut me off almost instantly. “It’s just, I hate how people look at you sometimes, and I want them to know you’re okay. You’re still you.” I smiled at my daughter. She was going to be a great nurse one day.

“Speaking of scarves. I lost mine today. I think it fell off when I was putting on my cover-up.”

“Yeah, Tommy took it,” Masie said, looking down at her phone again. “He was so pissed off at Gage. I can’t believe Gage wanted you to stay away from Ivy.”

I sat up a little and twisted toward Masie. “What happened?”

“I didn’t find you in the room, and I was telling Caleb when Tommy instantly jumped in. Ivy did, too. Tommy turned on Gage, asking him what he said to you, as if he knew something. Ivy started getting upset, and finally Gage admitted he asked you to stay away from her. It was so awkward for Caleb and I. Ivy immediately started apologizing for Gage and trying to assure us she wanted to spend time with us and you. Caleb was still pretty upset, though, and suggested we leave. West tried to convince him we should stay. Finally, West decided he’d leave with us.”

“Where did the three of you go?”

Masie laughed. “We went to the shuffle board court and played with an older couple.”

I couldn’t help myself. I laughed, too. Caleb could befriend anyone. The fact West tried to shield Masie moved him up a bit in my opinion. The fact he played shuffleboard with old people pushed him even higher on my ladder of approval.

+ + +

We didn’t see any of the band members the next day. Caleb explained they had practice and then some excursion on the island. Either way, I found myself poolside, but restless. Thoughts continued to wander to Tommy and what happened between us. I’d been married for twenty years and divorced for nearly three. In that time, I’d had less than a handful of dates and a heaping scoop of cancer. I had no time for relationships or even experimentation. I didn’t know how to date in the modern age, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but some nights were extremely lonely.

I did own a Mr. Bob, as Tommy referenced, but I didn’t use it often. I always felt weird using it alone, which was exactly its purpose. Unfortunately for me, I wanted actual sex. I wanted a man, and not in a take-care-of-me financial and spiritual kind of way, but more of a physical and emotional sort. I wanted to feel loved, not be told I was when I wasn’t. I wanted to have sex that meant something more than two bodies getting out a release.