Page 42 of After Care

“They can be. Gage is…needy, and it gets on Tommy’s nerves. But Gage also realizes he needs Tommy. He knows the business, the people, the perks, the pitfalls. If Gage wants Collision to be something, he needs Tommy.” Ivy spoke nonchalantly, as if she herself had a business head on her shoulders.

When we couldn’t get into any salons with five people on New Year’s Eve, we decided to shop. Ivy found me a sort of hippie-looking dress with wide sleeves and a short hem. We went into a toy store, where I bought both girls an arts and craft project, and then we found a pharmacy that sold cosmetics and bought nail polish. We ate lunch at a place specializing in fish tacos and returned to the resort. I painted Ana and Emaline’s fingers and promised them craft time after a nap. Ivy let me put them to bed with a story.

“My mom would have loved you,” she said to me as I returned from their room. “She didn’t have many girlfriends. It was hard in the business. It was either cutthroat female musicians vying for the top, or groupies throwing themselves at the guys in her band.” This comment included Tommy, and I tried not to think about it. “She found it difficult, always having to explain that Tommy was her brother, not her love interest. Eww,” Ivy said with a shiver.

“She always felt she was defending herself. Her music. Her love life. She dated, and she was involved, but she didn’t want marriage. She said she was committed to me, and she was. I think she did the best she could to try to make my life normal. She wanted me with her, but she wanted me to experience school and sports and clubs like she had as a kid. I don’t think it’s ever that easy, though, when your parents are already famous.” Ivy sighed, as I started painting her nails. “I told you I went to school for music therapy, after she died. It was her dream that I go to college, but I can see in hindsight why she wanted it for me.” She paused, watching the brush slip over her nail. “I need something to do. I can’t keep following Gage all over the country. The girls are growing. Ava starts first grade this fall. It was hard having tutors and going on tour. I don’t want that for them.”

She peeked up at me. “And what about me? Is being a mom all I’m going to do while he sees the world?” She shrugged as if stopping herself. “Of course, I’ve already seen most of it, or as much of it as you can see when you are in twenty-six states in as many days.”

“You don’t have to work,” I said as a statement, but it was more a question. Ivy surely didn’t need the money.

“I don’t, and I’m lucky because of that.” She lowered her voice. “But I want to.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that,” I said.

“I want to feel like I’m contributing.”

“You are, honey. You’re Ava and Emaline’s mother. They need you now.” I believed that wholeheartedly. I’d been fortunate to stay home while my children were younger, and David worked. It was only when Masie started fifth grade that I returned to a day job, more to get out of the house than to be employed.

“But what if it’s not enough?” she whispered, and I could see, in her twenty-eight years, the fear most women I imagined faced at some point. Being a mother was a miracle, and a dream, but you lost yourself a little along the way. Children’s demands, their needs, their desires all came before yours. They define you, and you don’t recognize yourself any longer. In the presence of an absent husband, I imagined Ivy’s life was as lonely as mine had been at times.

“What does Gage say?”

Ivy scoffed. “I’m sure you can guess he hates the idea.”

“Why?”

Ivy’s shoulders fell, and her hand went limp in mine. “So many reasons, but none of them valid anymore.”

“I don’t think he likes me,” I said, sounding like a teenager.

“He does. But he’s jealous. He wants to be the center of my world. It was hard when I lost my mom, and I lost him for a few years after she died. He sees you as taking my attention, but he doesn’t mean it in a bad way. He just doesn’t want me to try to replace her with you.”

The words were so honest, so raw, and I gathered they’d talked about this.

“Honey, no woman is ever going to replace your mother. No one. But I’m here for you, if you want me to be. I know I live in Chicago, and you live in California, but if you want my friendship, it’s yours.” Tears came to her eyes.

“You know, I come here every year at this time. My mother loved Hawaii, and it was the only time of year I had most of her attention. I return in her memory. She loved this resort, and we always stayed in this penthouse. Silly, isn’t it?” She swiped at a tear. “But I think she knew I needed something, and I feel like she sent you to me.” Wet fingernails or not, she reached out and hugged me, and my heart broke for a girl who lost her mother too soon and was losing herself as a mother. How cruel the world could be while giving us blessings at the same time?

+ + +

The bar was large. Edged with tall tables, it mimicked a concert venue by providing standing-room-only in the center of the space. I expected the scent of beer and my heels to stick to the floorboards, but several open doors at the back of the room allowed a tropical breeze to swirl throughout, resulting in a pavilion feel rather than a closed-in club. The hardwood floors were thick planked, like a deck, adding to the casual, Hawaiian atmosphere. A long bar filled the wall to the left of us with the stage, perpendicular to the bar, set up for a band. The wide floor space allowed the crowd to participate without furniture in the way, and with the packed house, the place busted at the seams with people eager to see Collision. We had a reserved table, roped off, and guarded in a back corner. I smoothed down my hips as I remained standing, too nervous to sit yet. Although Ivy had me purchase a hippie style dress, Masie suggested I wear something different.

“It’s one size fits all, Mom. You can totally pull this off.” Convinced, I slipped into her stretchy, black tank dress with thin ribbon straps and one of Caleb’s white dress shirts tied below my waist. She shrieked after I told her the dress highlighted my unattractive bump in the fronttoo much, so she added the dress shirt. The shoulder continued to fall, and Masie assured me that was the look I wanted.

“Mom…you look smoking hot. Tommy will drop when he sees you.” While I wasn’t so sure about that comment, I did feel good. It was a professional-slash-shabby-chic look. Strappy heels completed the outfit, taking it from what could have been a daytime look to a nighttime, dance-club feel. I kind of liked how I looked. Actually, I felt freaking sexy. With my bright-colored nails peeking through the strappy heels, I felt like I could conquer anything, including Tommy Carrigan as Lawson Colt.

However, my bravado stumbled when Tommy was introduced by the emcee, and the introduction revved the crowd to a rousing chorus of chants for Colt. Settling the crowd with his good nature and gentle laughter, he highlighted Collision. Gage entered from the left and his presence mesmerized the audience. He commanded attention, and it made sense why everyone, including Ivy, gave into him. Of course, his attention scanned the crowded bar, seeking his wife, and smiling slyly in relief at the sight of her.

“You’re gorgeous,” he breathed deeply into the microphone. Apparently, this was his signature address, and the audience went crazy as he eyed his wife over their heads. Then Petty tapped his sticks, and the house came to life with music. They played two songs before Caleb grabbed both Masie and Ivy by the hand.

“Let’s dance,” he said, wishing to tug them toward the front of the crowd.

“He won’t like it,” Ivy shouted over the voices joining with her husband.

“Do you always do what he likes, Ivy?” Caleb taunted, and Ivy gave in, following Masie’s lead to the stage. Gage did give his wife a narrow-eyed look as Caleb and Masie sandwiched Ivy, forcing her to dance. I sat back at the table and watched with laughter as Gage’s irritation grew, but he didn’t break the song. He pointed at her once, and when I thought she flipped him off, I realized she had actually flipped up her ring finger, reminding him that the huge rock on her finger meant she belonged to him.

The song ended, and Gage walked to West, stripping off his guitar and handing it to the bassist.