Page 64 of Midlife Crisis

“I did what she asked,” Tommy defends.

“We were friends.”

“She was my family.”

Edie’s sharp intake of air seems to punctuate the moment, and again, I feel like I’m missing something. She hisses Tommy’s name under her breath.

“We stopped being a band family long before we broke up, Edie,” Tommy adds, his tone still harsh.

“Family is forever,” Edie states as if reminding him of something. Tommy’s head falls before he shakes it back and forth.

“Dammit, woman,” he mutters. His hands come to the island as if bracing himself. Hank remains standing, arms crossed over his large chest. We aren’t getting anything resolved tonight between these men. In fact, it might take many nights to mend them. It took years to separate them.

“I think…” I swallow before I continue. “I think we’ve done a lot…learned a lot…” I hesitate. “For one night. Maybe let this sit and start again tomorrow.” I sound like the leader of my marketing team when we stumble on a concept. Fragile hearts fill this storyboard, and we need to step back.

“I agree with Midge,” Edie adds, her voice pitching a little stronger than necessary. “Hank met his son. There’s a lot to accept.” Edie narrows her eyes at Tommy. “Baby steps.”

“Twelve of them,” Hank mutters, and I recall the path to recovery for addiction and grief. He has a long way to travel once again. Edie smiles at Hank’s comment. Tommy’s focus remains on the granite countertop.

“We’ll talk tomorrow.” Tommy decides, and Hank tips his chin in agreement. Looking at me, I sense he needs an escape.

“Thank you for dinner. Pasta night must be a hit.” I step forward to Tommy who envelops me in a tight hug.

“Don’t let him go,” he mutters into my hair before pulling back. A thin line forms on my lips because I can’t pull off another fake smile. I reach for Edie.

“Call me as soon as you can.” I appreciate the sisterhood and her sense that I’m breaking inside. I need to spend more time with my new friend.

26

I’m fine is another lie

[Hank]

My thoughts spiral like the curves we follow down the hill. Despite sitting so close to me, she’s slipping away. Tonight was too much, even for me. I don’t know what to think, how to feel, what to do. I’m numb inside. Absolutely cold.

“Where are we?” Her small voice fills the SUV. I drove to Brut’s without thinking. I should take her home, return her to her normal life with her beautiful sons, but I can’t let her go.

“Brut’s place.” My voice sounds defeated, which is how I feel at the moment. Whipped. Beaten. Done. “Can you come in for a bit?”

Brut’s house looks sad under the dim headlights. The house is larger than it appears on the outside. Most days, it’s sadder looking in broad daylight. It’s a solid home but run down by lack of care.

“Stay.” Midge nods. There’s more in this command than waiting for me to open her car door. I need her to stay with me. Helping her out of the truck, I keep my hand wrapped around hers, holding her like she might float away, a giant red balloon drifting upward. I lead her directly up the stairs and into my room. My bigger bed with a wooden headboard fills the space. Windows on either side of the mattress frame one wall. A tall dresser stands against another one.

“I need a shower,” I say, pointing over my shoulder at the open door to my bathroom. Midge sits heavily on the edge of my bed. Her silence disturbs me. I’m bone tired and want nothing more than to lie down next to her, but I’m chilled, shaking inside. I need to relax. I need to explain myself. I just need a minute.

Once I enter the shower, all I allow myself to focus on is the hot water. Baby steps. One step at a time. One day at a time. I’m back where I started six years ago.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Courage to change the things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change what Kit kept from me, and I cannot change Lawson’s condition even though I will beat myself up for both things. I might have caused Lawson’s diagnosis from the choices I made. I didn’t demand the truth from her. In either case, I could have been more involved in Lawson’s upbringing. More. I could have done more.

The warm spray hits me in the face, and I keep my eyes shut to the liquid. One hand rests on the pipe above the showerhead and the other presses against the tile wall. Two smaller hands surround my waist. I should be surprised she followed me, but instead, I’m grateful for her touch. A kiss falls between my shoulder blades before her chest rests against my back. I rub her arm and then slip my fingers between hers. We remain silent for too long. I don’t want to lose this moment with her—holding me, comforting me in her gentle quiet. Moisture covers my face, and it’s more than the heated water. I shudder, and she kisses my shoulder blade.

“I’m fine. I just need a minute,” I croak.