Page 54 of Restored Dreams

“Enough,” I whisper, reaching out for her arm, stroking a hand down her pebbled skin. She remains still as if unaware of my touch. “Let’s go.”

Lily turns to look at me, her eyes blinking with unshed tears. I don’t want her to suffer sorrow for Lauren, yet the pain in those misty blues seems as though so much more is going on in her head.

“She was my sister,” she whispers. “But I did not know her.”

I nod, taking a second to peer back at the workers filling the pit in the ground. For some reason, I swing back to look over at Hank. I’m truly blessed, I realize, as I love my brother and he loves me. He stands with his wife, vigilant over her but supportive of me, as he waits. I’m staring at him when Midge says something to Hank, and then she steps forward.

“Lily, honey,” she speaks softly, like a mother to a child. “Come to the house. We’re going to have dinner as a family tonight.”

This snaps Lily’s attention, first to me, and then over her shoulder at Midge. She smiles weakly, pulling on a brave face with false bravado.

“I don’t want to intrude on family time,” she says, her voice cracking again, and she swallows.

“You’re not intruding,” Midge offers. “You’re family, too.”

Lily stares at Midge, and then the tears fall. Big crocodile tears at first. Silent and large, plopping like drops of rain. One here. Another there.

“I don’t have a family,” she says as her lips quiver, and I realize Lily’s on the edge of shock. She’s trembling again, and the tears plop down to her dress. I reach for her cheeks. She doesn’t flinch, which I take as a good sign, but I also don’t think she’s aware of my touch.

“I’m your family,” I say, and Lily stares at me. “Chopper, too.” The tears fall harder, and Lily’s hands come to her face. I can’t take the heartache any further, and I wrap my arms around her, dragging her into me. She crumples against my chest, her hands still covering her cheeks as she sobs against me.

“Shh, Lily pad. It’s okay.” I attempt to soothe, stroking her hair as my other hand firmly holds her waist to keep her pressed against me. “We’ll get through this.”

I don’t know what I mean by what I say. I don’t know if we’ll ever be okay, but I’d like to think all we have is the future before us. The past has finally closed the door.

30

Family first

[Lily]

I’m talked into going to Midge and Hank’s house for something to eat. My system shut down for a few moments and emotion overtook me as we stood on the drive, watching the men lower my sister’s casket and cover her with dirt. Dust to dust. An eerie sensation crawled over my skin, and I couldn’t stop shaking. I also couldn’t look away. I’d like to say a hundred images flashed of Lauren and me when we were children, when we had been playmates, but I think my mind remained blank. Ashes to ashes. The whole process left me cold, not so much from my emotions but from the experience. One day, I’ll die, and who will attend my funeral? I have no family.

When Midge told me I was part of their family, and Brut gave me reassuring words that I had him and Chopper, I crumbled like a too-dry cupcake. I fell apart against him, needing his strength while knowing I didn’t really have him in my life. The past week plus has been filled with so much strain I feel as if I’ve lost a year of my life instead of ten days in the late summer. I don’t know what steps to take next, and that’s how I find myself in my car with Brut driving me to his brother and sister-in-law’s house.

Brut remains silent, and whether it’s to give me space or be alone with his own thoughts, I appreciate the quiet. I want to know what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling, but I don’t ask. I don’t have the energy for his answers. We’ve come to a strange understanding of don’t-speak-and-we-won’t-know. We huddled around Chopper for two days, supporting him through decisions someone so young shouldn’t have to make as he dealt with the death of a mother he never knew.

I curse Lauren again, but I also realize nothing can be done about her decisions. Some answers will never be had. I worry for Chopper, but he seems to be handling everything in stride. Maybe he’s just become numb like the rest of us.

When we arrive at Midge’s, the first thing she places in my hand is a drink. I think it’s scotch, and it goes down a bit rough, but I instantly feel warmer than I’ve felt in days. I relax a little within the chaos of her home. The food is catered. Her sons are present—Elston, Ronin, and Liam—and I marvel at the fact Midge is going to have another child. Eighteen years difference from her oldest to the newest baby, yet she glows like a youthful woman. Her hand occasionally caresses her belly, and on more than one occasion, Hank stops to do the same thing. A sadness mixes with the warmth of alcohol and settles within me. Resolve, I realize. I’m not relaxed; I’m resolved to the disappointment of never having what Midge has—love and children. Family.

I don’t want to blame my sister. Even though I spent tears on the drive near her burial, my remorse is not for my sister, but the absence of something greater than her. Recent events have been a reminder of all she took from me, yet I can’t look back with confidence and say she took anything. Brut never claimed to love me. Marriage was certainly not on his bucket list. He was a vibrant young man, under the weight of life, struggling to push through for a dream. He was having fun. Nothing more.

A plate of veggies is placed before me as I sit on a stool in Midge’s kitchen, and I take a bite or two before the house erupts in boisterous greetings near the front door. Tommy Carrigan and his wife, Edie, have arrived. I have only seen Tommy Carrigan on a few occasions—a long, long time ago—when Brut’s brother, Hank, ran off to play for a band, and Brut tried to sneak me into a club where they were playing. Chrome Teardrops was their name then with Kit Carrigan, Tommy’s sister, as lead singer. Brut had Hank pull strings to get me into the bar as I was underage. It was one of the only times Brut and I were outside the garage office or the back seat of a car. It was also the night my sister discovered us.

“Darlin’,” a Southern drawl addresses me, and dark eyes widen as Tommy Carrigan looks at me before shifting his eyes to Brut and back. His once dark hair has transformed to sleek black and bright silver. He even sports a heavy scruff of salt and pepper. Glancing over at Hank and comparing the two men, I can see them as young heartthrobs on a stage, playing songs to make women pant. Hell, even in their forties, women would toss a bra to see them.

“She’s more beautiful than I remember.” Tommy winks at me and then shakes his head at Brut as though he’s disappointed in him. I don’t know what any of this means, but his gaze is a reminder that Brut has not left my side. Where I’m sitting on the stool, he lingers behind me. I’m certain he’s the one to offer me a drink, set food in front of me, and remain beside me. It’s comforting yet unnerving at the same time.

“Edie, meet Lily Warren, she was the love of Brut’s life.” My sore eyes narrow as a pixie-haired blonde reaches for my hand and swats her husband at the same time.

“I see you’re still a dick,” Brut mutters behind me as Edie covers my hand with a second one, holding on a moment longer than necessary.

“Edie Carrigan,” she says, smiling warmly. “And that was certainly awkward.” Her eyes flit to Brut behind me.

“Nice to see you again, Edie,” Brut says, stepping forward to offer a chaste kiss to her cheek and a brief hug. As Brut pulls back, Tommy’s already got an arm around his wife’s waist, and I’m curious what the possessive move is all about. I’m sensing Brut and Tommy don’t care for one another although I don’t remember stories of their animosity.

I’m more curious why the house is filling up for a funeral luncheon no one attended and turning into a party of sorts. I’m saddened again about my lack of family and decide I need to find the restroom.