Page 68 of Restored Dreams

The thought makes me shiver. She never was. I chuckle to myself as I sit perched on the closed toilet, waiting for the tub to fill. Both my hands scrub down my face. Funny how life is. Funny how I recognize this is a second chance—a golden opportunity to make things right—and I want to do it right, for Lily. I want to give her all the things she wanted all those years ago.

Love. Marriage. A baby in a baby carriage.

We have to get married, I decide on the spot. It’s the thing to do. I need a ring, and the date, and a license, and…

“Hey.” Lily’s soft voice turns my head to the bathroom door. Her naked body leans around the doorjamb, and her blue eyes fix on me.

“Hey.” I sigh in relief although the list plays out in my head. Her looking at me like she does confirms my panic and my pleasure. We are going to be good. I reach out a hand for her, willing her to step forward. She does.

“I wonder if it will hurt.” Marrying me? I stare up at her but find her gaze on the water.

“I’ll help you get in.” The water isn’t too deep yet, and I guide her as she gingerly steps in. She sits and lifts her feet to balance on the edge of the porcelain. I need a new bathroom, I decide, and add it to the list. Lily can decide how to rearrange my room. Our room, I think with growing excitement.

We’re going to get married, a little voice in my head says, and my heart jumps like an animated creature looking around. Who? Us? I stare down at Lily, at the space on her belly that will grow and stretch to accommodate life. I missed this stage the first time. Lauren told me she was pregnant, but I didn’t believe her, and I didn’t believe it could be mine. I didn’t know I had a child until she dropped him off at the door. I scrub a hand down my face. Jesus. It will be different this time.

“I can almost see the wheels spinning,” Lily says from in the tub. I want to join her. I want to hold her, but I know we both need a moment. Yet I can’t seem to leave the bathroom.

“I think we should get married.”

Lily’s head flinches back, her eyes blinking. “What?”

“We need to do this right. I need to do it right.” Lily’s still staring at me as if she isn’t seeing me or hearing me.

“Okay,” she says, the simple word echoing off the tiles, but she’s hesitant.

“Look, you seemed worried about the ambulance ride yesterday. I know how expensive independent insurance can be.”

“I have insurance,” Lily says, her voice a little defensive. “When I hired Ester, she needed it as well, so I formed a small company, and we got a decent rate.” Her eyes lower, and I know it’s still pricy.

“As my wife, you can be on my insurance. The baby can be on my insurance.” I pause. “You’ve been to the doctor, right?”

“Brut,” she admonishes. “Yes, I’ve been to the doctor. I have an ultrasound for the heart beat next week. I already told you this.”

“Ultrasound,” I repeat although I know what the test is. Baby images. We will get to see the baby. “I’m coming with you.”

Lily’s face falls, and she glares at me.

“I’d like to know your schedule, and I’ll add it to my calendar. I promise I won’t miss anything.”

“Brut, it isn’t—”

“We already discussed you’re staying here. The kitchen countertop should be here within the week. I still need to do the backsplash and maybe you could help me choose a new kitchen table.” I’m rambling as I’m ticking things off in my head.

“We could get married by the end of the week, and we could—”

“Brut. Stop it.” Her harsh tone snaps up my head.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…this isn’t exactly how I saw things happening. I don’t want you to feel obligated. I mean, marriage? That’s a big step. I know you’ll be a great father. I’m sure you’ll always be there, but this is kind of…huge.”

“Nothing is happening as I thought it would, but I want us to marry. For the baby.”

Lily’s face pinches. “I get that, but what about us?”

“What about us? You’re staying here. I want you here.” I sit straighter, emphasizing my enthusiasm. I want to be with her, but I’m trying to read the lines on her face “That’s not it, is it?”

I’ve cataloged her noises. I’ve memorized expressions. But I’m missing something, and I don’t know what it is.