Page 94 of Second Chance

“I don’t want him thinking he can replace Daddy.”

“Jaxson,” my voice lowers. “No man would ever replace your father even if I took him as my hus—” I stop myself. I’m not thinking about marriage. I’m not even thinking boyfriends. Not lovers, not anything. I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life, and Denton’s leaving proves this. Rusty’s ride through town just double downed the possibility. No one would come near me if they thought I was a Devil’s Edge chick. A saddening thought strikes regarding Dolores. Poor thing.

Jaxson isn’t looking at me, but across the street, where I’m certain my nosy neighbors are watching me hash out life with my son in the driveway. I never wanted to live in this subdivision. Used to the Lane where three homes were separated by large yards, thick trees, and the peace of separation, the houses in the subdivision were too close together for my liking. Chris wanted to live here, though.

“Are you thinking of remarrying, Mama?”

“Honey, no. No, I’m nowhere near something like that. I’m just tired of being alone.”

“Then why’re you hanging out with so many men?”

“I think you’re hurting for the wrong reasons, so I’m going to ignore the implication in the tone of your voice. If I’m dating a man, I have that right. I have the right to try him on like you’ve tried on many girls before Hollilyn.”

“Please tell me it’s not the same thing.” A smile slowly creases his mouth, and he shudders.

“Don’t be pulling double standards on me.”

“Mama! Stop,” he chokes.

“Besides, you have nothing to worry about. Denton Chance is leaving soon.” He always does, I want to add.

“What if he wanted to stay?” I’m not sure why my son asks me this, and I’m frightened by my immediate answer. I want him to stay. This time I want him to choose me. But I have my own secrets, ones I’m not ready to share with anyone until I have definitive answers, which remind me the interview is in two days and I’ll need to reschedule if the funeral is on the same date.

“Mama?” Jaxson’s quiet voice pulls me from my thoughts.

“I’m not looking to turn back time, honey, if that’s what you’re asking. I wouldn’t trade one second of my life with your father and you boys. But I still have time before me, God willing, and I’d like to do with it what I want.”

The clear suggestion is: my time is mine.

Jaxson nods. “I guess we don’t value time until it isn’t ours anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean like the baby coming. Everyone keeps telling me my time will no longer be mine. Everything I do, I’ll do for him or her.”

“That’s how it should be,” I say with a nod, my expression breaking into a slow grin.

“But I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t know if Hollilyn is the one. I didn’t settle on her. It just happened.”

“Oh, baby,” I sigh. “I don’t want you to feel you settled, but sometimes love just happens, in the strangest, most unexpected ways. It happens. Maybe the baby is your sign that Hollilyn is the one. But if she isn’t, you’re still going to be a father to a child with her, and you’re bonded for life.” My voice becomes harder, firmer, reinforcing the baby didn’t ask to be born, and my son will live up to his responsibilities.

“I know,” he exhales, swiping a hand through his dark hair, looking slightly like Chris but more like a Harrington.

“It’s just jitters. You’ll keep having them until the baby is born, and then you’ll have new worries.”

“You aren’t making me feel any better, Mama.”

“I’m not sugarcoating this for you, Jaxson. Parenting is hard work, and kids frustrate some days.” My eyebrow twitches upward, and he huffs a chuckle. “But it’s the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do in your life as long as you try your best at it.” I think of Kip Chance for a second. He never tried to be a father to his son, whether biological or not. He refused, and it made all the difference in the world to one boy.

“You know I’ll try my hardest.”

“And what about Hollilyn?”

“I’m trying there as well.”

“Well, I guess that’s all I can ask for her sake.”

“Why you so worried about Hollilyn?”

“Because just like you, she deserves a happily ever after, and I don’t want her settling for you because you settled on her.”

“Did you settle on Dad?”

“Of course not,” I say sharper than necessary.

“Did you love Denton back then?”

The question pulls me up short, and I don’t know how to explain myself. Did I?

“I loved him differently than your father. Just like I feel differently about him now.”

“Meaning?”

I exhale. “I don’t even know.” I don’t know how to describe the emotions inside me when I think of Denton or how to explain the sensations I feel when I’m near him. I’m all kinds of confused, and I suddenly can relate to my child. To my surprise, Jaxson walks up to me and envelops me in his arms. There’s no question I’ve loved a variety of men in my life: my Daddy, my brothers, Chris and Denton, but there’s no love like loving my son. Both of them.