Page 108 of Silver Player

“I never said he was.” I only thought he felt that way about me.

“And he’s right. You’re going to be fine with Sadie. Raising girls is hard. I know what you’re going through.” Giant’s wife died when his daughters were still teenagers. He hadn’t been home long from his tours of duty when his wife passed. “I’m here if you need me. It will all work out.”

“How can I be sure?” I ask because I’ve never been more uncertain of anything in my life. Sadie. Roxie. It feels like we’re on the edge of imploding, and I don’t want to lose either of them. I want them collectively. I want us all together.

“You can’t be, man. You have to trust your head.”

I snort, knowing that’s what gets me in trouble sometimes.

“And your heart.” Giant taps his large chest, and I want to laugh at his sentimentality, but my heart knows he isn’t joking.

38

Christmas tree apologies

[Roxanne]

“At the request of the minor, Sadie Wilhemina McAllister, the court awards custody to her biological father, William Forrest Harrington.”

I stare in disbelief at the judge, and while this hasn’t been a trial, I feel as if I’ve been sentenced to the heartache of all heartaches by having Sadie taken away from me. Deep down, I know Billy isn’t stealing her. He won’t prevent her from seeing me, but it all still feels like a betrayal, and I exit the courtroom numb to his voice calling after me.

I can’t face Sadie. It’s petty and mean and very unadult-like, but it hurts. While I don’t fault her for her decision, the pain is too deep for me to bear. She decided to reside with Billy, and nothing I can do will reverse that decision. He is her biological father, and I’ve already been cautioned he’d win. Sadie isn’t a competition, but still, Billy won. She’s never truly been mine. She’s my sister’s daughter, but it hurts all the same.

“Whatever happens, nothing will change between us,” I tried to assure her the night before the decision, but who was reassuring me? During the ruling, Sadie stayed out in the hallway with Elaina Harrington. The two have grown rather close in the past few weeks as, true to her word, Elaina allows Sadie to practice the piano at her home, and I’ve felt Sadie slipping further and further from me.

“I’m overreacting, right?” I say to Grace as I hide in my office, avoiding a sixteen-year-old child.

“You’re human. It hurts that she picked him, but it’s not really a choice. She’s not choosing one over the other. Billy is her father. You can’t change that or change the fact he didn’t know. Cases like these never make sense to me, though. The best interest of the child is where the child already has a relationship.”

“It was her request,” I whine, taking another hardy drink of the wine I’d brought down from my apartment. “And I can’t really blame her. I mean, nothing’s wrong with Billy. He wants a relationship with her.”

Grace’s brows hitch, surprised by my defense of him.

“I just mean, he’ll be a good father.” I sigh, my shoulders falling.

“Why do you think she did it?” Grace asks.

“I have no idea.” I look up at her sweet round face. “But I’ve definitely screwed up somewhere.” Grace is raising five boys on her own, and I can’t even raise one teenage girl who is self-sufficient and independent. That’s the hardest part to accept. Sadie is smart and responsible, so why pick Billy?

“You didn’t screw anything up. She’s sixteen. They think they know everything at this age.”

I snort without comfort from Grace’s words.

“Maybe you should talk to Billy.” She hesitates because she knows I won’t.

I should ask Sadie why she chose him over me, but I don’t want to come down on Sadie after she’s been through so much. She needs Billy, but she also needs to know this isn’t like picking out a movie. You don’t get to change your mind halfway through the viewing. We won’t see each other every day, which I thought she enjoyed. I was her daily hug, whether she wanted one or not. Life with Billy won’t be the same.

Exhaling, I sit straighter, swirling the glass in my hand.

“It’s not forever, right? In two years, she’ll be eighteen.” I’m trying to muster the positives the advocate tried to spew at me, but the mustering is hard. My heart hurts so much.

“Is this just about Sadie, or is there something more going on here?” Grace questions. She’s noticed Billy hasn’t paid any random visits to the bookstore or been to dinner in a while.

“There can’t be anything more, right?” I shrug, but Grace’s forehead furrows with concern. “It was already complicated.”

“How do you think Billy is handling this? Think it’s settled in for him?” Grace asks, not with compassion but curiosity. The court ordered Sadie move in with Billy by January second, a non-government holiday date. That’s less than ten days away.

“He must know what he’s doing. He went through with this process despite promising me we could work it out. He’s a liar.” I lift my glass and swallow back my wine.