Page 111 of Silver Player

“I could be the first in your bed but not the first to leave? Is this because you saved me for the last?” I mutter. He told me in his mother’s kitchen that he saved me for last as he insulted me further about my ability with a wall.

His head pulls back, and he stares at me. “What do you mean?”

“You told me you saved me for last, after the wall…” I can’t even finish the rest of my statement.

“First, of all, I don’t understand this obsession you have. You never saw what you think you saw because it wasn’t me. And I’m sorry you thought you were never worthy of wall sex or any other type of sex or position or label or whatever. I thought we were joking around like we always do that morning. I’m sorry for how I acted, but I’m not sorry for what we did. I wasn’t fucking you, Roxanne. I was falling in love with you.”

Billy stares at me for a long moment, letting the bomb drop, and my heart is suddenly in my throat. His eyes search mine before he takes a deep breath. “And secondly, my grandfather used to say it didn’t matter who you loved first; it was the last who mattered. The last one holds your hand and your heart, warms your bed and your soul. That’s the person who sticks. He didn’t care who my grandmother loved first because he was her last, and that meant forever.”

I stare back at him, the sweet sentiment filling me while my lungs struggle to work.

“That’s what I want, Roxie. I want you to be the last woman I take to my bed because you’re the first person I think of when I climb into that bed alone each night. I told you a few weeks back. You’ve broken me. I don’t want to move forward without you, Roxanne.”

The words are too much for me to process. I don’t know what to say. I’m still raw and now confused. Our eyes hold each other’s.

Could he mean it? Can I trust him?

He wants me. Forever? I just don’t know that I can believe him so quickly, so easily, but I know one thing. Billy Harrington loves hard, and if he ever meant it toward me, nothing would hold him back. He’d be all in just as he was long ago with Rachel. Like he is now with a different kind of love toward Sadie.

I take too long to respond to him. I don’t know how to respond to what he’s just said. His hand squeezes my nape, and while his touch heats me, the rest of me shivers.

“It’s cold out here. You should get your tree,” he says, releasing me, which allows the chill to seep into my bones. I tremble with the loss of his heat, and then he turns on his heels and walks away. Staring at his back, I watch his shoulders slump forward, and his hands tuck in his pockets, and my heart feels like it’s been hacked at like the base of the tree Sadie and I just chopped down. With heavy feet, I follow him, taking my time to keep the distance between us.

When we near the warming house and the check-out area for the tree, Billy walks up to Sadie and drags her to him for a kiss at her temple. He pauses and says something to her, and her eyes leap over to me. Her brows pinch, and her expression shifts. Sadness fills her face, which appeared to be brightening over the past few weeks. She’d been working with Billy and spending time with Elaina practicing the piano. She smiled more and wore less makeup. I thought the old Sadie was slowly re-emerging, but one look at me, and I see her face fall. The familiar melancholy returns.

And for once, I only have myself to blame.

39

Christmas confessions

[Roxanne]

“Why aren’t you dressed?” Sadie says to me as she enters the kitchen midmorning on Christmas. We’ve already shared presents and made a big breakfast with festive music playing in the background. It’s been a good morning, and I’m content with how things have gone.

I look down at my jeans and red sweatshirt, and then glance back at Sadie dressed in head-to-toe black again. Dress, Converse, choker necklace. However, her makeup is softer, and her eyes not so haunted. The Harringtons have been good for her.

“I am dressed,” I say to her, examining her blank expression.

“Billy’s going to be here soon to pick us up.”

My shoulders fall, and I glance away from her before I speak. “I’m not going to the Harringtons for Christmas.”

I hadn’t planned to attend. She needed this time with them. When Sadie doesn’t respond, I turn back to her. “This is a time for you to enjoy them. Celebrate. With your family.” I try to keep my voice steady as I speak, encouraging her to embrace them when I’m having trouble embracing the future reality. Sadie will not live with me.

“You’re my family, too, and I want you to be there,” Sadie whines, and I have so many responses to her plea. Then why did she do this? Why did she ask for him? But being the adult I should be, I don’t ask. She made a decision with her sixteen-year-old wisdom, and I plan to abide by it. There’s no sense in arguing with her.

“I can’t do it, Sadie. I’m sorry.” Sadie’s aware that Billy and I haven’t spoken. Whatever he said to her at the Christmas tree farm, she hasn’t mentioned any attempts to communicate with him again. It’s like the two of them have a secret, and I’m the outsider looking in.

“Do you no longer like him?” Her voice squeaks, panicked.

“It isn’t a matter of liking him or not. He’s your father. We’ll make the best of things because of it.”

“But I thought you were falling in love with him.”

My eyes momentarily close as I grip the back of the chair in my kitchen. “Sadie,” I drone. We went over this a few weeks back. Things got too complicated and messed up, and it’s best to let them be.

“Whatever I was feeling for him, I…I just… Sadie. I’m sorry. I don’t want to play nice and pretend for his family. He apologized, and I accept that he didn’t mean to hurt me, not like he did, but I don’t know how to go back.”