Page 51 of Silver Player

Denial. It’s more than a river wide.

[Roxanne]

I refuse to believe Sadie robbed me or the floral shop a block away. Sadie would have no need to steal money. I give her everything she needs, and she’s a responsible girl. At sixteen, she wanted a job and instead of working for me, which she said would feel like she was taking more money from me, she got a job from Hetty down the street. I love fresh flowers, and I’ve befriended her as I try to buy a bouquet a week to adorn the front counter. Greenery adds a certain element to any space, but I digress because I don’t want to think Sadie could possibly be a thief. Robbery? Breaking and entering? I just don’t believe it.

I hate the fact doubt is festering as I climb the stairs to my apartment with leaden feet. Billy left at the same time as June, offering to walk her out and wait while I locked the store behind him. He turned back for a second, his eyes worrisome and focused on me, but I can’t give anymore thought to Billy.

I stand in the middle of my entry and turn in a slow circle within my store. Everything checked out. Nothing else removed. Still, I feel violated in a way I’ve never felt before. Stripped, naked, and grimy. My hands rub up and down each arm as I hold myself. I push away thoughts of Billy, remembering how we were on the floor. I don’t want to equate the two experiences in my head, but they merge, and I shiver with an additional sensation of violation.

I’m not accusing Billy of anything. I willingly went down to that floor and let him enter my underwear, but…nothing’s going the way it should with him, which means nothing should be happening with him, of all people, and now I feel dirty about what we did. I need to get my head together. I need to make Sadie my focus.

I enter my apartment, caution filtering around me.

There was no forced entry.

I’m safe here, in my home. Sadie’s safe as well, I tell myself as I enter her room. She’s laying under the covers, the yellow quilt pulled over her shoulder. She faces the wall, and while I don’t want to disturb her, I need to touch her. I need to assure myself she’s here, and she’s okay. I brush back her midnight hair, finding sweat at her temples. She’s very warm under my knuckles, which skim the side of her cheek. My hand instinctively cups over her forehead. Is she feverish? She feels clammy. Is she sick? My hand pulls back, and I tuck the quilt tighter over her shoulder as I stare down at her.

Heard she’s a troublemaker up at the high school.

This isn’t Sadie. She doesn’t cause trouble. She follows the rules as her mother instilled in her. Schedules. Timelines. Structure. These were the ideals my sister embedded into Sadie. That’s not to say she didn’t have a slight rebellious streak, and Theresa allowed that freak flag to fly on occasion with me, but once I returned Sadie, it was all back to business. My sister’s greatest fear was Sadie would be like her—a wild child, who made a mistake one night to fulfill a fantasy—and end up derailed.

Sadie’s been derailed anyway, and her black mood with matching hair and nails is further evidence of the rebel inside who has been longing to be released. She isn’t a troublemaker. She’s troubled, and I don’t know how to reach her.

I turn from the edge of her bed and stumble over something as I try to exit her room.

“Dammit, Sadie,” I mutter, thinking she needs to pick up her things, especially her gym shoes which lay right inside her door.

A soft knock comes to the back door as I exit her room and my heart leaps. I’m suddenly so jumpy. Hesitantly, I stalk through the kitchen and grab a knife from the holder on the counter. Nearing the door in the darkened room, I slowly slide two blinds apart to see a man looming against the window. I’m ready to scream when a hand comes to the window, and I hear a muffled voice on the other side of the glass. Pressing his face to the window, I see it’s Billy.

“What the heck?” I snap, unlocking the door and tugging it open with enough force the blinds rattle against the door.

“I just wanted to check on you,” he states, forcing himself into the apartment.

“I just saw you,” I remind him, my voice rising as well as my temper.

“I know, but I’m unsettled by how things went.”

“You mean, how I was robbed?”

“I mean how things happened on the floor.”

We stare at one another. I don’t want to say what happened is forgotten because it’s not, but it’s also the furthest thing on my mind in the present.

“Why are you holding that knife?” Billy hisses, and my head lowers, eyes finding the knife still in my hand.

“You scared the crap out of me.”

Billy’s brows arch. “Are you scared? Are you afraid to be here?”

I’m not. Not really, but a part of me can’t shake that feeling of being violated, and I don’t want to be alone. Billy steps up to me, his hand coming to the back of my neck.

“Let me stay. I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.” The plea in his voice along with the promise does strange things to me, and I agree without a thought. It feels a little wrong, but him touching me also feels so right. It’s just what I need.

Billy takes off his boots and then quietly follows me to my room.

“Sadie okay?” he whispers as we enter my bedroom.

“Yeah. She’s asleep.” I don’t bother to tell him my concerns for her health. Billy nods and then curls onto my bed, lying on his side.