Page 59 of Silver Player

“No. I’m sorry I said that. I’m…I’m a little worked up.”

Billy chuckles against my skin, and he skims my ear again before kissing my jaw.

“Would you be jealous if I went on a date?”

“You said you didn’t go on a date.” Suddenly, I’m trying to tug out of his hold, but he holds me tighter.

“What is this obsession of yours with me and dates and women and brick walls?” He chuckles at the list, and my mouth pops open, but he continues.

“Let me be clear, again. I didn’t go on a date. I don’t do dates or multiple women and not some woman against a wall. Assumptions, Roxie. You’re making them, a lot of them, about me, and it’s getting tiresome.”

“But your reputation…” My voice drifts as I realize what I’m saying, accusing him of having a bad reputation.

“People believe what they want to believe, but I’m being straight with you, so can we just temper the attitude down a bit. I’m not dating someone, marrying someone, or anything else with anyone else but you.” He takes a deep breath. “Is there something more here I’m missing?”

I don’t answer him—because how do I explain myself. My curiosity as to why I wasn’t good enough for him sounds silly even to me. I’m more than enough, but still wonder why I was the only one he didn’t hit on before, and if we’re only in this position now because of Sadie.

“When I was married to Rachel, one of the issues we had was I didn’t see the bigger picture, and she wasn’t always honest with me.” His voice drops quiet and sad. “And I don’t want to ever be in that position again, where I’m not seeing what I should have seen, where I don’t know someone’s feelings.”

I’m about to retort then why do you sleep around when it hits me—if he does sleep around, he doesn’t have to understand someone’s feelings. He can keep one night separate from something deeper, something emotional.

I still haven’t responded, so he takes another deep breath, and says, “So for shits and giggles, let’s say I did go on a date. Would you be jealous?”

Yes. “No. You can do what you want,” I say, struggling in his arms again. Just because he did what he did to me last night and made me think of him as an us all day doesn’t mean I have a right to him. It also means he doesn’t have a right to me and my heart if he wants to sleep around.

“Really?” Billy pulls back and stares at my eyes. “Because I’d be jealous if you went on a date.” He holds my gaze for a long minute, letting those words settle between us. Then he adds, “Sadie and I were talking while she drove, and once we’d gone far enough out of town, I didn’t want to come back. She was opening up to me, and I didn’t want to disrupt the moment.”

I sigh, my shoulders falling. “I’m sorry I overreacted. I want you to get to know one another. It’s important to spend time together. I just…I worried, and my mind went to the extreme. Billy, I can’t lose anyone else important to me. There aren’t many people left.”

His eyes widen. “Are you saying I’m important to you?” The corner of his lip crooks upward, but when I don’t answer, he adds, “You thought we were dead.” His statement rings like a fact, concern filling his voice as he waits for confirmation of my wayward thoughts.

“I just…I can’t lose Sadie. And the way her mother died.” My breath heaves. I leave the unsaid hanging between us. “She’s all I have, Billy. She’s the only family I have left.” I look up at him, pleading for him to understand. I’m essentially an orphan, like my niece, and I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be the one left behind

“She’s not going anywhere. She’s safe with me,” Billy states, tugging me back to him. “And so are you. Quit this crazy notion of me dating or marrying or whatevering with other women. You’re important to me.” He pauses as his eyes widen, and he quickly clarifies. “Because of Sadie. You’re just as important to her as she is to you. I would never separate the two of you.”

I nod, a silent show of gratitude and relief.

“Now, let’s get back to those plans you questioned me about. See, I was really hoping to spend more time kissing you.” His voice drops, and his face lowers. His forehead coming to mine. “Maybe repeating a few things from last night and adding a few more things to the mix.” He’s teasing me with his suggestion.

“Is that your best pick-up line?” I ask, snuggling against him as my bare arms are cold. He slips my arms from his waist and tucks them back into his jacket, tugging the material to wrap around me.

“Is it working?” His arms return around my body as he leans against the railing of the landing. I stand between his spread thighs with my arms inside his warm jacket. It smells like him. Cloves and spice and everything manly nice. I shrug at his question, and he chuckles, the tension and seriousness gone for a second.

“Seeing as I’m officially dating you, according to my daughter, I’d say more kissing is a start.”

“And how does it end?” I whisper, concerned that more kissing might lead to a point of no return, at least for me. He wants me to give up my notion of him being a player, but I’m struggling to let go of what I’ve seen even if I know I can’t change the past.

“How do you want it to end?” Billy whispers, but I can’t tell him I don’t want it to end. Whatever we’re doing, I don’t want it to stop because that means it will end, and I don’t think my heart can handle it. My body certainly doesn’t want it to end. My engine is revving, ready to start the race, but not looking to speed across any finish line because once we do, once we stop, it’s going to be crash and burn for me.

My thoughts scatter when his hand wraps around the nape of my neck and his mouth takes mine, slow and tender. He draws out the kiss, tugging at my bottom lip and quickly returning to full coverage. He moves over mine as he’s meant to kiss me like this. As if this is the start and the finish all rolled into one. He pulls back after a lingering press.

“I’m sorry we worried you tonight. I’m sorry I made you worry.” His head tips back, gazing up at the sky. “I understand a little of your concern. It’s like I have opposite-fear or fear of missing out or something.” He chuckles, realizing he isn’t explaining himself well, and I smile up at him. His voice lowers again. “I’ve already missed out on so much of her life.”

“You’ll have the rest of her life, Billy. Theresa won’t.” It’s difficult to say as well as accept, but the truth is, Theresa will never see Sadie graduate, go to college, fall in love, get married, work a job, or any other thing. While Billy missed the first sixteen years, he’ll have the next fifty-six plus. Theresa will have nothing.

“I’m sorry she died,” Billy whispers into the night. “But I’m angry with her. Angry that she never told me I’m a father to an amazing kid.”

Amazing mutters through my head.